I dont know what to name these anymore

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I cant stop thinking about them, they were everything for so long but all I can think about is how they hate me now. After almost 8 months. Everything's just felt numb for a while, its like life doesn't even matter anymore. I haven't been clean in so long, self-harming is a normal everyday thing now, ive just felt like ever day has felt the same, the same empty feeling, the lonely feeling, and I just cant help it. I want to feel alive again. I want to be living, because this isnt fucking living, this cant be living

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