You probably see the mistake I made. It's pretty glaring. It doesn't hit me until we are halfway to the river. I forgot the paddles. "Damn." I slam my hand on the wheel. It's almost six and it's a weekday so people are already getting on the roads, slogging off to work. The dawn light is pretty cool. It's not direct sunlight. I mean I can't see the actual sun but there is light. Like the bitch is so tough just knowing that she is coming scares away the dark. And that's reassuring because I'm tired of being in the dark. I want to walk in the light. Not walk exactly, just kind of mosey down the river in the light. Damn. I don't have paddles. I am such an idiot. I knew I would screw this up. It's ok though I can find a pole or something it doesn't have to be perfect. The river isn't very high.
I pull into the parking lot. There is only one other car here. The sign out front says the park is only open from dawn to dusk, which is crazy because how do you close down a river? This whole place used to be some kind of ranch but now all that is over, but the ranch house is still here. It doesn't look like much but whoever built it picked a good spot. This is the best land in the valley, nice and green, right by the river. This place was loyal to its people. Stuck with them, watched two or three generations come and go and then it got kicked to the curb. People should stick to their places; they shouldn't just leave them. That makes me think for a second because, isn't that exactly what I'm doing? Running away. But it's different with me. I don't have a home here anymore.
There is an old man sitting on the picnic table next to the little cement ramp that runs into the river. Pops told me about that. Old people are attracted to this place, because the river represents life. And the old about a week before they die, they all come here, but they don't understand why. They just sit at that picnic table kind of in a daze wondering why they drove out here. Pops would talk to them, try to tell them he could take them with him, but they never wanted to go. They still didn't get that they were just walking corpses and if they had any chance they needed to get into the river, let it carry them away. Pop said it happens sometimes. The papers talk about old people who get lost and can't be found. They're the ones that heed the call. They are in the better place, young and whole. I eye the old man carefully. He's got a blue ball cap and is dressed clean in a blue windbreaker and blue jeans. He's got his hands in his jacket pockets because it's kind of chilly. He's got his eye on me. I don't like that.
I take the canoe out and drag it over to the muddy ramp. "You going fishing, son?"
I clench my fists. "Just going for a float, with my sister."
"Do you catch much fish out of here?"
I shake my head.
"What do you use for bait?"
I've run into this before. The old man can't hear well. Either his hearing aids aren't working, or he never put them in. Now I'm going to have to yell just to get him to understand. "LEAVE ME ALONE OLD MAN."
He looks like I slapped him. I kind of feel bad because it's not his fault he's deaf. But geez if you can't hear than don't go around getting into other people's shit. I look around for a long stick something to help keep the canoe straight. The current is strong enough to carry us. I just don't want to start spinning around out there.
I find a decent dead branch deep in the undergrowth that clogs the shoreline and yank it out. I start breaking off the little limbs, put the stick in the canoe. The old man is watching me, judging me. I can tell he's working up to another round of questions. I can see his cap more clearly now it's got a Korean War Veteran insignia, but I don't make eye contact. I've got no more patience for him.
I find an old spotted baby wrap in one of the car seats and wrap baby Jessica so she doesn't get cold. I hold her to my chest. She's super excited I can tell. "Don't get fussy now. We're almost there."
I carry her to the canoe with her warm cheek on my chest. The old man looks surprised. "What have you got there?"
I don't bother showing Jessica to him because people just lose it when they see her. She is so cute and just makes everybody start making funny faces and stupid baby noises to try to get her to react.
"Just stay where you are old man. I don't want any trouble."
But he doesn't hear me. He sees the child and comes staggering over to get a better look. He's a lot taller than I thought and is right in front of me reaching his bony fingers toward Jessica, pets the thin blonde hair on her head. Her face tilts towards him and he recoils.
"What is wrong with that baby?"
"She's fine just back off." I give him a little nudge and he flies back onto his ass all dramatic. Starts fumbling around in his jacket for a phone. "You're in a lot of trouble son."
Like I haven't heard that before.
I push the front of the canoe over the muddy bank careful to make sure the river doesn't run right into it and fill it up. It's hard to do with only one arm free, but I get the canoe in the water and turn it sideways. The only problem is now my shoes are soaked and I'm in the sucking mud, cold water up to my knees. I tuck Jessica under the wicker seat next to the stick. She's looking up at me, but her face isn't excited anymore. She looks scared. I feel hands on my shoulders and before I can process what's happening, I'm lying on my back on the mucky cement. The old man is holding me down. "You're in a lot of trouble, boy."
The old man doesn't seem to care that Jessica is in the canoe floating away. I try to sit up but he's on my chest and he's stronger than he looks. "Get off me." I hit him with a straight arm right in his chin. He makes an animal noise and grabs my hair with one of his hands and starts slamming my head into the concrete.
I'm kind of dazed. I can see little yellow spots. He does it again. He's trying to crack my skull. He's done this before. I can tell. I reach up and get my hands around his throat. I've got longer arms, he can't hit me now, just wing me, trying to land something that will put me out. I slide up and to my side, roll onto him. I could easily break him, but I don't. I scramble away. Rush out into the river to get to the canoe.
I can see it going sideways in the heavy current by the bridge. It hits a pylon and spins finds a channel and shoots forward scaring a group of ducks. There are about a dozen of them, and they take off down the river to find some peaceful spot away from the canoe. The ducks are so stupid. Baby Jessica is going to be chasing them down the river all day. She's going to enjoy that. The canoe starts to slide around a bend, and I think I can hear sirens in the distance. I climb up to check out the old man. He's speaking gibberish now, like he's had a stroke or something. His voice isn't his own. It's my mother's voice. She's telling me not to be upset, that I'll get to see her soon, but I'm going to have to be patient. I close my eyes and try to picture a nice meadow with a wild breeze, her and baby Jessica are playing in a grassy spot, with a bit of sun. It's going to be OK. I just have to have faith and keep walking in the light.
