Letters to the Love of My Life

burn me if you must

b,
i thought i met love when i was 6 years old
the first time i saw a boy with blue eyes, dark hair, and a wide smile
i was sure that my kindergarten classroom was a love story about to unfold
this false love stayed for a long while

i thought i met love again when i was 12
this time love had curls, dark eyes, and loved to run
he was my best friend i didn't see him that way and i knew it well
but the girls i was friends with told me he was either an ex or the one

i thought i met love when i was 14
she was 16, with hair that looked like it was made of fire and a freckle constellation
she never even looked at me that way it was all a silly dream
she didn't spare me a kiss or even infatuation

i thought i met love again at 14
he had blue eyes, blonde hair, and had a favorite red sweater
we both thought the other was love, and so that's how it seemed
we decided to just be friends and decided we could do better

i did meet love unexpectedly at 15 on a cold december night
love wore a disguise, a mask to hide what he feared being seen
we were far from perfect, we would kiss and laugh and fight
i wish i would've told him that what i said i didn't mean

i played the role of love at 16
wore it like a shattered mask hiding my fear of being alone
i would cry when they would scream
i didn't feel safe and that's why i told them they reminded me of home

love showed back up inconveniently
love plays electric guitar and takes a polaroid of me in his room
love refuses to admit that he misses me but he kisses me passionately
love rose from the burial i gave him locked away in a far off tomb

even when i hated love, he was still love, i treated love like nothing i was supposed to
i wrote him a letter and thought to myself burn me if you must
love came back into my life just because i asked him to
in my love for you, i will always trust

it turns out love does have blue eyes, dark hair, and a wide smile
i was just looking at the wrong one

yours,
a