Shark (Dazai X reader)

(C. 10) Loyalties Part Two

A/N I'm already running into the problem where my chapters have more in them than they should and end up turning into more than one chapter. This was supposed to be in the last chapter but it got to an obscene word count and that didn't seem super fun to read. Also!! Thank you guys so much for 2k+ reads!!!

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Akutagawa was still bed bound from his rescue, the Mafia doctors insisting he wait at least a day before returning to work. He hated the notion, thought his recovery time a weakness but, it was unavoidable. He could barley keep his eyes open as it was.

Slipping in and out of sleep, every time he opened his eyes they were met with a different sight. The first one had been Higuchi, it pained him to remember his apology to her. Mafioso's like him weren't supposed to apologize to anyone, so why had he to her? The next time, it was to the members of Black Lizard and a doctor at his bedside. The third? Higuchi again, speaking with the same doctor. There were a handful of other times, his eyes gracing the form of his younger sister, the doctor again, no one at all. It was about eleven thirty in the morning when his eyes opened to be met with Y/n.

"You were kidnapped." she stated, not that he didn't know that already, "I had Higuchi and Black Lizard rescue you."

"Why?" Akutagawa asked, his voice coming out cracked and dry, his mind full of hazy memories. He refused to look at Y/n, afraid of what he might find if he did so.

"She was going to do it anyways." Y/n sighed and there was a creak from the chair she sat in, Akutagawa assumed she had readjusted her position in one way or another, "Higuchi was, I mean. And Gin too, most likely. They both love you, in their own ways."

"But why you?" he asked after a moment of silence, the question slipping through his lips without him meaning it to have done so, "You should have let me die."

"You know I wouldn't do that."

At last, he looked over at her. Y/n's eyes were full of an unfamiliar kindness he had seen only on occasion, only when Dazai or Chuuya were in the room. She was leaning forward, her arms resting on her knees and her fingers folded together. The dark fabric of her skirt pooled around her on the chair, falling between her knees. He had always wondered why she dressed the way she did.

"It's what Dazai would have done." he stated and Y/n didn't respond, just continued to watch him as Akutagawa looked away again, fixing his eyes on the ceiling above. "I... I almost killed her, Kyoka. I was so angry."

"What was making you angry?" Y/n asked, her tone betraying nothing.

"Dazai."

"You went to see him, didn't you."

It was more of a statement than a question. Akutagawa couldn't control himself, couldn't hold back the truth. Not when he was so tired, not when it was Y/n, the one who had taken him under her wing when Dazai had disappeared, asking. It was an instinct of sorts, a broken form of something close to respect, maybe even affection.

"He said that I could never live up to his new subordinate. I just... I don't get it. The Were-tiger's ability is crude, he has no training. He's a terrible opponent and still..." he trailed off.

"He has heart." Y/n replied simply and Akutagawa turned his head to the side, looking at her once more.

"You've met him?" he asked and again, she left his question unanswered, waiting for the real question to reveal itself. Akutagawa met her expectations. "Do you... do you think he is better than me too?"

"I can't say," she sighed, the chair creaking again as she leaned back in it, "I've never seen him fight. But I see how much he cares. About everyone, not just the people he knows. It is almost admirable, the desperation with which he does it."

"What did you mean?" Akutagawa began, the conversation they had had right before he left on his nearly fatal mission rising to the front of his mind, "What did you mean earlier when you said people are not means to ends?"

"There is more than one way to be successful in a place like this. People like you and I must learn to craft our suffering into an urge to protect those around us, not use it as a weapon. It is a practice and a curse."

"How?"

"You have to figure out how to do that all on your own." Y/n replied, a slight smile gracing her features, "I can't tell you."

"Well, how did you do it?"

Akutagawa struggled to sit up against the pillows as he spoke. Y/n waited for his movements to still before she answered.

"I found a few people I would risk my life to save."

"It's different for you." he scoffed, crossing his arms.

"Because of my ability?"

Akutagawa didn't respond and Y/n let out a sigh.

"Akutagawa," she said, her voice firm, "we live to save one another, not to break each other down. Your old mentor taught me that. Once you learn it, I truly believe you will be unstoppable."

"How could that man have believed something like that? With everything he did?"

Y/n let out a light laugh and smiled sadly at the boy. There was a strong sense of a nostalgic sort of grief in her voice when she spoke next.

"He didn't learn it himself until he left."

Akutagawa looked away again, this time out the window to his side.

"You know, I was in this very bed once. A long time ago now."

"You were?" he asked, curiosity getting the better of him as Akutagawa allowed his arms to relax, turning to face her once again. Their eyes met.

"Yes, I was."

"What happened? I thought you..." he trailed off, his cheeks flushing pink.

"You thought I was indestructible? No one is, Akutagawa. You would do well to remember that. Even the strongest people need breaks, need to take the time to be kind to themselves or allow others to be kind to them."

"You're not even in charge of me anymore, I'm a sub-executive now. I report to the Boss. Why not leave me be? Why go through all the effort?"

"Like I said, I believe they would have done it eventually even if I hadn't encouraged them to do so. I didn't even have to say anything to Higuchi. Besides, you remind me of someone when they were young."

"Who?"

"You're as loyal as a dog, Akutagawa." Y/n announced, getting to her feet as she did so and smoothing out the fabric of her dress, "Maybe you should reconsider what to."