Footsteps In The Snowdrift. || Arlecchino x Fem!Reader.

bite my tongue.

I was out fetching water from the creek, it all happened in such a blur. I walked up the path, stopping at a well filled with fresh water. As I was about to scoop in up with the water, I saw a woman come into my gaze. She was tall, rough, and cold. She had the scent of bloodshed and war, like bones piled up that weren't her intent.
I stared up at the woman, noticing the water was slowly freezing over. Her cold gaze, it was enough to make even the strongest of men cry. I remember being frozen in place, just like the water in my grasp. Her gaze never wavering from mine as she stared at me.

"Young one, what are you doing so far off into the mountains? Doesn't your mother know that the air is thin, the breeze is cold, the snow is rough, and a little girl like you could stray from home." The woman knelt over to meet my gaze, her eyes piercing into mine as i dropped the frozen wooden bucket. An archon, I have heard of the gods that came from Celestia ruling over each nation like dictators.
I couldn't mutter out a word, no matter how old I was, I knew my mortal span couldn't compare to what she's seen. For a moment, I felt sympathy, but then it quickly returned to fear.

"It seems you have dropped your bucket." She leaned over to pick it up and refetch the water from the well, I watched as she touched it freezing instantly. Maybe she was preserving it for me and my family. Below it was warm and mercy was rare from the deserts.
"Tell me, young one, do you know who I am?" She turned to face me, a cold shoulder pushed to me. I carefully muttered out the word, peeing my pants in the process, "The Tsaritsa." I answered hesitantly. I heard of her crimes, I've heard of how she could be cold and then encase everything in clear shimmering ice in a moment. My body froze at the thought of being in cryostasis for the rest of my miserable life, forever conscious, self aware, slowly losing my mind. To my surprise, she laid her cold hand on my cheek and carefully examined me.

"You are a very pretty girl. I'm sure your family would pay good money for you. Tell me my dear, can you fight?" The  Tsaritsa spoke softly. "I only know how to work a hatchet." I sighed in disappointment. A young girl just now peaking adulthood wasn't doing much good in terms of physical ability. I had just turned nineteen, I didn't know how to feel about her advances. "You'll return home with me, I'll pay your parents good money so they are set for the rest of their lives. You will train under me and be my personal plaything. I missed someone being close to me. A god like me can easily get bored of my duties, but the Fatui are making great strides." She sounded confident, she even smiled like she just won the battle without starting the war.

"Come, let's walk." I walked with her, she held me close as she froze the once lush forest. I witnessed leaves fall and shrivel instantly, snow fall, and water turn to ice. She turned to me, grabbing my hand. Her palms were cold but soft. As we walked, I felt peace take my mind, well as soon as I hit air I could really breathe. The thin air from the mountains weren't exactly ideal for living. She kept walking, it was graceful and silent. A war general with grace and beauty, it was hard to come by such nowadays. We stopped at my house, however, she was the one to stop and knock on the door. It was like she knew exactly where I lived, she softly smiled as my mother answered the door. "Hello, is this the residence of Y/N?" She softly spoke, her elegance shining through the power and fear that she held against all her subjects. "Yes this is why?" I heard my mom's voice chime in. I didn't follow much, mostly because I paid attention to the ice and how quickly the sand turned to snow. All I heard was bought and sold.

And then the worst happened. My thoughts were interrupted by the shrill screeching of my mother and then came my father, my sisters, my cousins, and finally my grandmother. I watched, I stood there and watched as she slaughtered them, watching the oak wood walls be painted red.
I stood there, shock on my face.
She placed a hand on my shaking shoulder and looked at me,
"Are you ready to go home, my dear."

All I could do was nod.

We arrived at her large manor, it was decorated with loneliness and cold topped off with the statues of her and her accomplishments. A humble home, for a cold lonely dictator. She guided me to her room, helping me get changed in some clothes before fitting me with a collar with a bell. She stared at me, gently brushing her hand on my cheek,
"You're the prettiest little thing. All for me to hug and to hold or hurt as I wish."
My instincts screamed at me to run, but my body was frozen by fear. Every ounce of what was once me was gone, I was nothing but her's, nothing but her slave for her to have her way with, I was nothing more.
I was worthless.

One day, she decided she wanted to introduce me to the rest of the harbingers, they were lower in power compared to her, but they definitely didn't fall short in the immortality they lacked. Columbina was the sweetest one, she sang to me and kept me close, her eyes were always closed but she could always read the braille books to me, she treated me like a newborn even though I passed adulthood and now I was legally considered both a weapon, a woman, and perfection in The Tsaritsa's eyes.
Dottore I didn't understand, I respected his intellect however. He taught me the wonders of science and a few other things. I learned how to write exquisitely from him, as well as excel in all aspects of science and history.
Pierro never spoke to me, he'd babysit me whenever The Tsaritsa was away. He was a good cook, making me my favorite dishes. I would consider him my father if it wasn't for Pulcinella. He was nice, always kept me close and taught me valuable life lessons that even I didn't know. Common sense was always a struggle for me after I met The Tsaritsa, which disabled my fight or flight. Capitano was the quietest of the bunch, we never really talked or even looked at each other, all I knew was that he was Dottore's lap dog and enjoyed being his understudy. La Signora and Pantalone joined a bit later, I could tell that Red didn't like me much, that was the name I gave La Signora, she hated it but, internally i knew she liked having someone to speak to, especially after such a sad past.
Pantalone was annoying, I personally disliked him. Not too much to physically show any sort of discomfort around him, but just enough to stand up and walk off the moment he mentioned me. Arlecchino however, was a different story. We met and we clicked, I was the one that spoke to her first and she showed me the beauties of life despite her cold and angry demeanor. I made her upset once and she threatened me. In fact, she attempted to kill me but she broke down and hugged me.
I forgave her.
She wasn't like Dottore or Capitano. She was softhearted inside like Columbina, but she showed her feminine side more. I noticed that she was close to Columbina, which is how I got close and connected to the both of them. They together taught me how to love and how to protect myself. I alone became both the wolf and the fox, cunning, dangerous, and sly.

It's also how I escaped The Tsaritsa's grasp.

The pitter patter of her feet echoed through the halls, along with The Tsaritsa's distressed screams. She desperately screamed out my name, begging me to return home into her arms. I wanted to block it out, but it was like an order, I felt compelled to listen. But I remembered Arlecchino and everything was okay. Thanks to her, I was able to start my journey to bringing down the Fatui, avenging my father and mother, and most importantly, bringing The Tsaritsa out of power.
But now,
I'm not so sure what I should do.
Now that I'm in Arlecchino's presence I have no idea what to do, how to think, and whether this plan is really what I want. This is what my family would've wanted, but is it what I would've wanted?

Her orphans.
Her actions.
They didn't make sense. Why would a harbinger waste their time on spending time with these kids to give them better lives through being a father to them and being the best for them whilst teaching them to be war criminals and silent assassins.
I didn't understand.

I realized I was biting my tongue a little too hard.
The sweetness of my own gore.
How beautiful.