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I listen to the sounds of my friends, cackling and laughing as they build a snowman.
"Henry!" Arlo tackles me into the thick layers of snow.
We sink down, our bodies covered by the crisp, cold, white snow.
"Arlo!" Nellie shrieks, "You made our snowman fall!"
Arlo and i both sit up, seeing the head of the snowman crumbled.
I begin to laugh, which makes everyone else burst into giggles.
I soak up the sounds. I live off the serotonin of my best friends laughs and energy.
I've been working with a therapist, and i'm starting to heal. I'm starting to feel better. Some days are good, some days are bad. But i'm not in the constant state of depression i was in.
I can feel again. I can enjoy myself.
I can enjoy being alive most days.
But some days, aren't like that.
~~
I put my pants back on and my entire body shakes in its own way.
Why did this happen to me? Did it actually even happen? Aren't i meant to want this? Didn't i like her?
Was it rape?
No. I should've wanted it.
It's my fault.
I wipe my cheeks and take deep breathes.
My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault.
The door opens again and i gasp until i realise it's my friends.
They come into the room and crowd on the bed as they all talk and laugh.
I'm trapped in my screaming head.
I need to tell someone now before it's too late.
"H-hey, can i talk to you guys about something?" I ask.
They all go silent and nod looking at me.
"M-mary, she came in, and we h-had s-sex, i-i didn't want it." I say.
I need to tell someone now.
They all smile and high-five, "Yes! You finally got her." My friend Alec says.
I shake my head, "It wasn't like that."
"Nah bro, you're tripping. You fucked the hottest girl in school!" My other friend, Mitch says.
"Yeah man, you should be excited! This is amazing!"
