Tessa has loved theater and preforming since she was little. She's been getting the main roles ever since attending Canary High school Preforming Arts. She believes she's best and only her.
Zara is the new girl and has quite the character. As she s...
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"Mom, Zara has her eyes open!" my little brother yells making me shut them immediately. My six-year-old brother has always been a tattletale. When my mom asks why I'm never home, that's my answer.
Nothing is fun at home, being the eldest by a lot sucks. My siblings are all in elementary school or younger ages. "Zara, keep your eyes closed while I say the prayer next time."
"Yes, ma'am."
As dinner goes on, I continue to death stare at my brother, letting him know how I feel about him snitching. It doesn't work. "Mom, Zara keeps staring at me."
"Zara, stop staring at your brother," my mom says. I roll my eyes which makes her mad. "What is going on with you?"
"Nothing, I'm fine," I say, poking at my dinner.
"Tomorrow, we have church. I expect everyone to go," she says, talking to me.
"I can't, I have this thing," I say, lying.
"Zara, you have been skipping out on church ever since we got here," for context, it's been a month. It's also true, church isn't something that I like going to. My mom forces me in dresses I'm uncomfortable in and it's hours that we're there. I'd much rather stay home.
"I know but I've been busy. Being a senior isn't easy," I say, hoping she'll believe my lie.
"Fine, but you're going next week."
"Yes ma'am."
———
A couple hours later and find myself lying in my empty room. There was nothing on the walls like there once were. I haven't had the motivation to put my things back up. I scroll through my phone, swiping through people's stories.
Kamari has forced me into her group, and now I have four more friends I didn't want. All four of them post religiously and it gets annoying. No one cares what you had for breakfast.
Sleep never comes easy for me. If I'm lucky I'll fall asleep at one. Most times I stay till 3, whether it's the phone screen shining on my face or insomnia, I can't sleep.
I keep my phone charged as look through videos on my side. Eventually, hours later, I fell asleep with my phone uncharged. Every single time.
———
My mom tries to make me feel guilty for not going, but unfortunately for her, it never works. My mom wants me to be the perfect Christian girl like how she was growing up.
She goes to church every week and bible study with her peers. I'm fine with Christianity as a religion because it has nothing to do with the way I feel.
Religion is a topic I'm not at all comfortable with. I was born a certain way, one that I still seem to struggle with. Every day I try to come to terms with my sexuality but it gets harder and harder. I don't want to let my parents down.
If my sexuality determines my future, do I really wanna act on it?
Should I act on something that will change the way my parents love me?
Is it worth it?
Is my parent's happiness worth mine?
The same questions replay in my head every time I get a thought about a girl. The feeling I get around a girl is both amazing and terrifying. I try not to think about it much as it usually leads to questioning my existence. Why would God put me here knowing my parent's beliefs? It makes me wonder if there's a God at all or if I'm the problem.
All my fucked up thoughts and complex mind, determine the way I act and how people perceive me. This is why I don't bother making friends because people don't often see me as 'friend material'. I don't care though, I have better ways to live my life.
When my family finally leaves the house, I get dressed for my day. It consists of biking at my local gas station, ampm, and buying their cookies and other snacks. All my things including my wallet, book, and bike lock are stuffed into a backpack.
I turn off my location and start my music on my phone, then put it and my AirPods into the backpack as well. I open my garage, wheeling my bike out then closing it.
I pedal through the neighborhood, and watch as people walk their dogs, running, or walking. Focusing on where I need to go, I make sure to turn the corner left and continue straight.
The bike ride isn't complicated as I just continue straight with a few crosswalks and one light. I lock my bike with the closest thing I can find, it's a metal pole connected to the store.
I walk through the sliding doors and head to the cookies first. My mouth immediately begins to water as the freshly baked cookies stare back at me, practically begging to be eaten and enjoyed. I pick my three chocolate chip cookies, fighting the urge to not eat them right now.
I close the plastic door and look for a cold beverage next. Making my way to the coolers, I look at all my options and settle for a blue Powerade as those always seem to fill my needs.
The last thing I look for is chips. My default or regular choice is usually Takis but I'm not feeling the spice right now, so I go for my second best option, sour cream and onion Pringles.
Finally, I can leave, so after placing my items on the counter and paying, I leave the store. I place everything except one cookie into my backpack. I take my time to savor the taste of the gas station cookie. The chocolate melts on my tongue and I practically moan over the taste. When the taste disappears from my mouth, I unlock my bike and get on.
The next thing I plan is to sit at the park and read, easing my mind and going into a different world. I pedal across the street and into something known as 'bike lanes'. I pedal through and nod at pedestrians and cyclists, telling them good morning.
Another thing about the bike lanes is it's connected to the backyard of houses. Most of the gates have covers so the dogs don't see as we pass by. Unfortunately, it doesn't work as the dogs bark hysterically at everyone who passes by.
"Shit!" I say as I lose balance and fall onto the pavement. A dumb dog jumped out of nowhere, scaring the living hell out of me. I have a scrape on my knee and I got stabbed by a rock on my hand. "Ugh! Of course, it happens to me."
The pain isn't horrible but it's enough to make me groan and shed a tear or two. I clock my bike moving it to the side and time to gather myself.
The pain begins to ease and I start to walk to the park. Slowly getting there, I find a fountain and use the water to clean my injuries. I do my best to wipe the blood off my leg and hand.
When it's gone, I find the perfect tree and sit down to enjoy my book and snacks the best way I can.
