The Farmer's Son

Chapter 30 Because Of You

"I was," Tommy said, voice low but resolute, with no regret or remorse.

To Ray's already tumultuous mind and heart, it was a blow that knocked him back a step. Or perhaps he was simply trying to retreat from the suspicion that had already begun to take root in his mind. In the silence of the entryway, wide clear blue irises went from the dark steady gaze to an apologetic frown above soft brown eyes.

"Tommy was the reason I had to leave," Joel said. "Or rather," he glanced back at the other man, "he was the reason I chose to leave."

*

That night in the barn was the beginning of Ray and Joel, but in many ways, it was also the beginning of Joel. He had spent his life in denial, repressing urges and feelings while living the life he thought he should—he married a woman, took over the family business, and resigned himself to a certain future.

Then came Ray.

His name like a prophesy, he was a ray of hope, and offered Joel a freedom the man had never known. Ray broke the seal Joel put on himself, and for the first time Joel began to look inside and know his own heart. Once he did, however, he discovered, or rather, accepted, that there were feelings for someone else in there. Someone he'd been too afraid to share his secret with.

But then, just as the thought of coming out to this person formed in his mind, he was forcibly revealed. One day in the barn, during a quick, secret moment with Ray, Tommy walked in. The look on his face, the mix of surprise, realization, and then something else, something like betrayal, was a visage Joel would never forget. The wall he had placed around himself and between them came tumbling down. Instead of burying them, however, it revealed a new path beyond the walls.

After that incident Tommy kept his distance and his silence. Unable to bear either from his oldest friend, the man he had known his whole life, Joel went to see him. At first Tommy was angry and they argued about the affair, about Ray, about everything. But the more they argued, the more they realized something was being left unsaid. That afternoon they faced each other in the empty classroom, and for the first time put into words the thing they'd dared not speak of before.

"Why him?" Tommy had asked. Standing in the light from the window, his face was a mask of hurt. "Why not me?"

Joel's quiet reply had been simple: "Because he wasn't afraid to make the first move."

After that, Joel suggested he and Ray take a step back, to not cause more unrest, and to be more cautious. But there was one other reason, the real reason. Because that afternoon, in the slanting rays of golden sunlight, Tommy had stepped across the classroom and taken Joel in his arms. And neither of them were afraid again.

So it was that Joel began his second affair, keeping Ray at bay while he became involved with Tommy, the man he truly loved. 

All too soon, however, their bliss was broken. Overhearing Joel on the phone one day, talking in a way he rarely spoke with her, fueled Alice's suspicions of an affair. One night she followed Joel, all the way to Tommy's house, and to the truth. After that, there was no more covering it up. Because an affair was one thing, but an affair between a teacher and a married man was not an example anyone was trying to set. It was all too serious to ignore. So, Alice gave him an ultimatum: break it off with Tommy, friendship and all, or leave.

For the two new lovers, it wasn't much of a choice.

*

"So, we left," Joel finished softly. "We met at the school that night and took Tommy's truck. After a few weeks we came here, and we've been here ever since."