Escapism

9

The sleep I was to get was taken from me by these god awful nightmares and it's even more worst now that I'm back home and have noone to talk to or to be there for me when I wake up sceaming I really wish I was with Grace right now I miss her I miss CJ and I feel so dead and useless.I wish to leave this hell hole my thoughts getting the better of me telling me how useless and how I should just kill myself and my pain and suffering and trust me I was going t give in to myself and end it all. I was about to get my pills that I had on the nigh stand when my phone got a notification and I wonder who it was what if it's the guy from the airport OMG what am I to say if it's him.

*Text Messages*

Grace: Hey love was just checking in to see if your ok
Me: I'm fine Grace how was your flight
Grace: It was ok I was worried because you didn't call
Me: I was meaning to call you but some stuff happened
Grace: Why what happend
Me: It's ok I'm fine now where's my love how is he
Gace: He's here stressing about leaving you behind sometimes I wonder is he my boyfriend or yours
Me: Lol sharing is caring tell him I'm ok and not to worry I wont die
Grace: I will got to go talk to you tommorow yeah
Me: Sure
Grace: I love you
Me: I love you too Grace

It was like someone is there watching me and is trying to save me from doing something so stupid as killing myslef it so funny and ironic how someone trying to save my guardian angel likes to see me suffer. I guess it must be fun for he or she to watch me go
through all this with no help just me all alone with any given time to end my suffering and for what really do I need to be alive I wonder sometimes why did I have to go through all that shit at such a young age huh but then againg people had it or has it worst than I did and do right now and they can live on so why cant I whats so wrong with that everytime I look at myself  I see someone who needs to die for she is nothing to this world.

What can I do to escape this world just for a night to go some place where I'm loved for who I am when someone see's me smile and knows it's not real and that I need a hug to be free from my mind and self. I just want to be free honestly I want be happy and loved just for once in my life is it so hard to love me or to beloved what so wrong with me that noone wants to love me huh I can tell you whats wrong I'm broken shattered spoilt goods that noone wants and I see that now more that ever. I had no idea when I feel asleep but for the first time in a while I had a peaceful a sleep and I dreamt I had a dream a dream that did not have me waking up screaming and crying that dream was the best ever and I wish to not wake up because  I'm loving this and I wish for it to never end I was happy not sad I was smiling in this new place that felt so real to me and like I was to be here like I belonged here.