All Of Our Blues | Avatar Highschool AU

*Outcast Blues - Lo'ak

"Outcast."

My whole life I've always felt oddly unwanted.

At school.

With friends.

At home...

For some reason no matter where I am, I always feel excluded, far away; like I don't belong anywhere. I do my best to try and 'fit in', to make myself into someone they would be proud to have around.

I force myself to be perfect, to be like him as much as I can—

But nothing.

Nothing feels different at all..

You smile at them.

You laugh with them.

Why don't you do that with me too?

You hold them close.

You shower them in love.

Why don't you do that with me too?

You're proud of them when they try.

You wipe their tears when they cry.

Yet you're the ones who bring the most tears to my eyes.

I should hate you.

I should hurt you like you hurt me.

I should push you away, cast you out, and see how you feel living like me.

But I don't.

I can't.

It gets me so pissed off that no matter how hurt I feel by you.. I still want to do everything I can for you. I still want to try just to hear your automated 'i love yous'.

Those bittersweet words that fill my heart with so many emotions I can't stand.

It fills me with too much.. I hate feeling it. I want it numb. I don't want to feel any attachment anymore. I don't want to love you anymore. I don't care if we're blood; I want no part of you.

.....

I don't really mean that though.

"I'm just hurting."

As much as my heart wishes to hate you sometimes, it can't; it could never. You could hurt me a thousand times over but I would always care about you.

It kinda sucks.

"Family is a fortress." Are the words that come to mind at every. single. breaking point.

My Father constantly throws it in my face; but does he even know that his fortress is weak and ready to crumble right at his feet?

No of course not, he's oblivious to everything.

Family is 10 percent heaven and 90 percent hell; family is more painful than anything is this world.

But I'm bound to this broken house, this place that never truly felt like home the way it should have. This place that makes me feel the most alone. This place that barely claims me as it's own..

I wait for the day when I'll be free, when I'll be rescued from the unhealed wounds of both you and me. For the day where the stars won't be the only ones there to comfort me.

I just want to to feel peace.. and to feel like they really love me.

But it probably won't happen.

Does this even make any sense?

I sound crazy don't I?

I'll just be quiet.

It's easier to leave my sky blank than to shade it with my ugly blue cries..

—Unwanted blues

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I am burdened by my unwanted
resentment towards you.
Maybe if you had just showed
me your love I wouldn't
have this dark shade towards you.

If you had actually loved me in
all of my different shades,
I wouldn't have become such
a terrible shade of blue.

You tainted me so much..

I wish for you to feel this
unwanted blue too.