"I wish I was capable to drain myself from the pain I soak in everyday but I need her to remind me that water does not only drowns, but it's also capable of bringing life."
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I looked so serene, my sleep figure rested on Bada's body, my face buried into her neck, she had her arms wrapped around me, her chin resting on the top of my head, eyes closed and a small smile on her lips, she also looked serene, I admired the picture for some moments, all kinds of good emotions twirling on my chest until something caught my attention, one of my arms rested on her waist and my hand was tugging the fabric of her hoodie as if I was scared that she would escape, I didn't remember doing that when I was woke.
Memories from my past relationship, fights about how emotionally dependent I was, his face contorting in a disgusted frown when I hugged him, suddenly my world was falling apart. How could I be so desperate to be in her arms? A sense of shame hit my heart and my mind, the realization of everyone probably knowing that I loved her differently made me feel so ashamed, not because she is a woman, I would never feel ashamed of that, just being perceived as someone vulnerable was enough for me. Moments traveled through my mind, I've been so clingy with her through the last months, I laughed too much, I hugged her too much, I showed all the feelings I wanted to show and didn't even realize, although she never rejected me or said anything bad, but rather happily accepted all of that, I couldn't let go of the feeling that I was probably suffocating her like this, I felt so bad, she probably felt disgusted just like him, right? She didn't say anything about it to not hurt me, she didn't say anything because she felt sorry for the girl who doesn't have anyone besides her members. I felt so disgusted with myself, I just wanted to bury myself alive so I could never bother her again.
The days went by and the rejection feeling I planted on my chest only grew, every time I was around her the feeling of wanting to be in her arms and hug her was terribly strong, but the shame I felt was bigger, and even when she hugged me I couldn't put my hands over hers like I always did.
"Why are you not hugging me anymore?", she said hugging me and leaning her head on my shoulders as we left the practice studio, her voice sounded hurt, but my mind wouldn't let me believe she was hurt.
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"Aren't you coming anymore?", she said over the phone, the background sounded noisy, and I could hear Lusher screaming a song in the karaoke room.
"I have to finish a song today, I'm sorry...", I wanted to be there, but I don't know, her friends are probably over me as much as she is.
"Okay, I think... good luck! Good night Harinnie.", she said sweetly but from her voice I could feel that she was quite hurt, again.
My mind was a mess, even if I knew that she was hurt by my actions I also thought she couldn't bear looking at my face. "Good night.", I said turning off the call.
I looked beside my bed and saw the jar of pills prescribed by the psychiatrist, took more than I could in my hands, and chugged down with water hoping to sleep as fast as possible so I wouldn't have to deal with my emotions.
