Fall for me

Chapter eighteen

I wake up and Stiles is laying next to me, asleep. I look toward the big bay window, and everything is dark. The only light entering the room is from the solar lights in the yard, I have never appreciated them more than I do right now. Having something that brings light into this darkness surrounding me... is comforting. It feels like it's radiating off the small lamps and wrapping its warm arms around me, encasing me into the light. I move slowly getting off the bed and quietly walk into the bathroom, making sure every couple of steps that I'm not waking him. The second I make it into the bathroom, behind closed doors my legs lose their strength and I slide down the countertop onto the floor. I wrap my petite arms around my knees and quietly sob, how is this my life? I try to go over the past few months in my head trying to come up with an exact time that everything changed around me without me noticing... without my permission but my head just gets all foggy and I come up with nothing. Not one single thing that was big enough for me to remember... nothing that sticks out or screams to me. I start to give up, when a random memory pops into my head. It was the summer before Aunt Sophie died, her and my mother were having a sleepover like they sometimes did when one of the husbands were on business. This time it was my dad, he had to go a few hours away to this farm. From what he told us, there were two horses that one of his friends bought, he didn't know it at the time but they were pregnant. He called my dad telling him all the symptoms they were having and he rushed there to help him deliver the foals. I remember being amazed that he got to do this everyday... he got to save animals for a living. Late that first night that he was gone, I woke up around ten at night and went to the kitchen for some water, normally they made a fort in the living room and would stay there pretty much the entire time drinking wine and gossiping about everyone in town. I tried getting my glass as quietly as possible so I wouldn't wake either of them, but after a few minutes I heard whispering. The counter was littered with empty bottles of wine, three or four of them. I softly tiptoed my way around the corner so I could hear them better, but they couldn't see me when I finally heard what they were saying. "Don't let him be lonely, Liv. Don't let him go the rest of his life without anyone." Soph had said. My mother kept trying to talk, to say her piece but everytime she got a word out aunt Soph would plead with her. "Please. Please Liv... After everything we've been through... Please!" She began to yell, trying to get my mother to understand how much she needed her to agree with her, to tell her that she wouldn't let him die alone. At the time I wasn't sure who they were talking about or why everything seemed so dire. If only I had known...
When I come back from the memory I'm still on the bathroom floor but my throat is filled with water. I keep coughing trying to get the water to come up, but it keeps digging further and further down... reaching my lungs... then my stomach. I clench my eyes closed trying to keep my breath held in. Trying not to breathe the water in... but everything is burning. My throat is on fire even though the liquid is supposed to be cooling. I blink my eyes rapidly trying to decide if this is real, when I transport into a body of water. Not any body of water but the lake in front of Stiles house. Within seconds I imagine myself being the ten year old boy drowning, I'm scared to death... but not for myself. For the boy, thinking of how alone he felt... how afraid he was. I begin to yell out, for Stiles at first... but then for anyone. For someone to help me, everything is muffled by water, as my body is drug deeper and deeper under the surface. When something shifts, like the water just let go of me... letting me swim back up. As I open my eyes and take in my surroundings I'm no longer in the lake. I'm now at the plunge pool... and Raken is right in front of me. I swim to the edge, my arms getting weaker by the second... Every time I begin to move it's like a brick is being added to the weight tied around my legs. I keep looking back to Raken and he keeps getting closer and closer like I haven't moved at all. It feels like I've been swimming away from him for hours when the edge is right in front of me. I hold on to the wet ground trying to pull myself up, when Raken appears. He has a filthy grin attached to his face, I look behind me. That's impossible... he was just in the water with me. Suddenly my head is under water but I can't come up. I reach above me and feel a hand pushing me down, deeper and deeper. The fire in my throat reignites and I'm hopeless, I will never be able to overpower him. I stop fighting him, and suddenly I'm seeing myself from outside my body. I'm floating underneath the surface... I look peaceful. I've finally stopped fighting... I gave up. He won.
I wake to Stiles violently shaking me, I open my eyes and he looks terrified. He has beads of sweat across his forehead, he's breathing quickly, and I feel his hands shaking when he realizes I'm awake and he's stopped shaking me. I look around the room, gripping my throat with one hand... because it's still on fire. He pulls me into a tight... almost suffocating hug. "Jesus Erin... You scared the shit out of me." He whispers into my ear. We sit like that for a few minutes before he speaks again, " I love you Erin. Please don't leave me. Please." His body begins to shake, and I don't know how long it takes me to realize that he's crying. I frantically start moving and caressing his back, now I'm holding him. "I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. I just came in here to breathe... and the next thing I know you're shaking me awake. I — I — I'm sorry." The last part is whispered so low I'm not even sure he hears me. He quickly grabs my face gently, and I shrink back in reflex. I look at him, as he looks at me. He opens his mouth but abruptly closes it... like he doesn't know what to say. "I'm — I'm sorry. I — I don't know why I did that." I stutter out, embarrassed. He must think I'm a complete nutcase... I honestly wouldn't blame him. Without another word he shifts his body until he's sitting right next to me, with his back along the cabinets behind us. How do I fix this? He must know that I would never think he'd hit me... he must know that he's the only person in this entire world that I trust completely. He must know...
We sat like that for a while, neither of us speaking. "Hey... we should go talk to Kolt Phillips. You know before your dad gets to him on Monday." I speak, my voice shaking. He looks over to me with a confused look. "Are you sure? Are you up for that? I can go alone... or I can try to convince him to come here?" He says adjusting his position so he's directly in front of me. I thought about it for a moment... not sure if this is a good idea or not. "No, it's okay. It'll be a good distraction... and this is now my new life. I have to figure out how to live outside these walls, you know." I finish playfully nudging his arm. " Okay... Okay. I'll message a few people and see if I can discreetly figure out where he's going to be today. In the meantime... Are you hungry?" He quickly stands while pulling me up with him. My stomach growls so loud that I know he heard it, my cheeks heat and I lower my head towards my feet. He chuckles and leads me toward his room. I'm drenched in sweat. The sunrays are peeking through his always somewhat open curtains and almost blinds me. I guess I slept on the bathroom floor all night, I probably stink so bad right now. To be completely honest... I can't remember the last time I showered. I look around the room and Stiles is gone, confused. I look in the closet but he isn't there. My breathing quickens... just at the thought of him being away from me and the memory of my dream comes crashing into my brain. The waves... the sound of rushing water constantly running inside my skull is weakening. I feel my entire body slouch as it all starts to become unbearing. I hunch forward and reach for the side of the bed, to have something steady to hold on to. I hear the shower in the bathroom turn on, and I realize I'm a complete lunatic. I can't go five fucking minutes without knowing where he is... My entire body starts shutting down... how pathetic.
"You coming?" He calls out. A smile spreads across my face, and I happily skip to the bathroom.