As soon as I come in, the smell of grease and coffee wafts into my face. I smile, that at least Katniss has it a tiny bit better than me.
"So... are you okay?" she asks as she guides me to the kitchen table. She then walks back to the kitchen and gets another portion of breakfast.
We start eating.
I chuckle. "I should be asking you that. You know I'm not deaf, I hear your nightmares." her expression falters for a second, then she rolls her eyes.
"But you were tortured by the Capitol. Frankly, that's worse." she retorts.
I suck in my breath, not expecting that. The list. All of it is adding up. The tension I feel when a flashback is coming is growing. I close my eyes, gripping the arms of the chair. My name is Peeta Mellark. I am in Katniss's house. Deep breath in, deep breath out.
I gingerly open my eyes to find her face filled with concern. I nervously laugh.
"Are you okay? I'm sorry I won't joke about that I'm sor-"
I cut her off. "I'll be fine, happens everyday."
"Everyday?"
"Yeah, you know, the tracker venom isn't fully gone. I'll be fine." I silently take out the list in my pocket and hand it to her. She quietly reading it, her face filled with concentration, eyes darting at each word.
I babble on. "I don't have medication for it yet, since I'm the only living survivor of tracker jacker venom. Dr. Aurelius said they needed more time to develop it."
She gives me back the paper, and I notice tears in her eyes.
"It's all my fault. You should've been the one saved, not me. It's all my fault you got captured." she tears up.
"Hey, stop it. You know if you got trapped in the Quarter Quell," I wince but continue, "the war wouldn't be over." I cup her face in my hands and force her to look in my eyes. "Yeah, it's your fault. Your fault being so courageous and confident that you managed to end such a terrible war. Now stop crying, you don't deserve to."
She sniffles, and suddenly leaps into a hug, burying her head in my shoulder. I hesitate before slowly returning the hug. It's not on my list, but just basic touching brings on so much anxiety. Deep breaths.
She holds on to me for dear life, scared that if she lets go then I'll dissolve into nothing.After a while, I let go of her.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" she asks.
"Yeah."
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She hugs me again, as a goodbye as I leave her house.
"I'm across the street, I'm not going anywhere," I joke.
"I know. If something happens you better come to me." she retorts.
I chuckle. "Okay, same to you. Stay safe Katniss," I wave and turn around to start walking back to my house.
Back at my house, I gather enough courage to turn on the hologram TV. I haven't turned it on, ever. I'm scared that I'll see something that would remind me of the past and spiral me into a breakdown, or worse, and flashback. I read the guide, and pick a baking show to watch. After everything, my muscle memory weakened, which doesn't help when I need to tie my shoelaces or brush my teeth. I rack my brain to remember how to press a button.
"4.... Fuck." I mutter as I press 2 instead of 7.
The channel opens to a news channel. There are discussing the complications of the Hunger Games. The Hunger Games. Fuck.
I tense. Deep breath in, deep breath out. My vision starts to blur like it usually does if I get a flashback. I start seeing blood on my furniture, the sound of growling dogs behind my door.
"What do you think was the most intense part of the 74 Hunger Games?" asks the reporter on the screen.
I scramble to find the remote before I'm too far in to function. I turn pillows and blankets but that stupid remote is nowhere to be found. My heart beats faster and I try to breathe, only to find out I'm unable.
"Ooh, probably those mutts chasing Peeta and Katniss, I don't know. How about we ask one of our viewers?" responds the other reporter. The more I hear, the more my thoughts scream at me, remembering all the things I was trying to forget. The mutts, their only purpose to kill.
I'm a mutt.
Their voices fade as my vision blurs even more. My body is as tense as a rock. I try to grip onto a pillow, stuffing my face in it, trying to block out the noise.
"I think it was really sad when Peeta died to that force field..." the viewer said. The reporters hummed in agreement. I swear the volume got louder.
"TURN IT OFF!" I scream. I start hyperventilating, my heart beating faster and faster. I collapse in a heap on the floor, closing my eyes and ears. At some point I started crying, holding the pillow for dear life.
The last thing I remember was holding a vase.
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"Shit Peeta, what did you do?" Katriss mumbled as I woke up. I felt something wet being applied to my head.
What happened?" I whisper, rubbing my head. Only then do I see the bruises and wounds on my body. It all comes back. My flashback. Fuck. That was probably one of the biggest ones I've had. I never hurt myself during one.
"Oh my god I didn't mean to do that I'm so sorry," I burst into tears, vulnerable and weary from the flashback. I lay my head on my knees, curling into a ball. I feel Katniss stare at me pitifully.
Suddenly I feel a pair of arms around me. I flinch hard, my mind reminding me of the Capital's torture. I squeeze into a tighter ball. She lets go to my flinch.
"Can I touch you?" she asks gently. I nod, not being able to form words. She tentatively wraps her arms around me and I exhale.
T'm sorry. It was a flashback. I- tried to control it, but I messed up the TV remote and clicked the wrong channel and then they were talking about the mutts and the Hunger Games and I'm so-,"Katniss interrupts me.
"Don't you dare. Those flashbacks aren't your fault." she fumed. I hung my head and nodded. She continues. "Can I put bandages around your arms?"
'Yeah, go ahead." I squeak. The pain in my body finally hit me. Iwatch Katniss as she wraps my arms with bandages. She looks up after she's done and meets my eyes
"Peeta, you need to tell me if you're having a flashback. I don't fucking care if I get hurt, you cannot be doing this to yourself." she sighed. "Can you move in with me?"
I gape at her. "What?"
"I meant it. Can you move in with me? So, then I can help you keep your flashbacks to a minimum." She sits me down on the couch, making me lean on her. I start tracing patterns on her arm.
"How long was I out for?" I ask. The sky outside is dark.
"I don't know. I only found you after I heard that crashing in your house." she plays my hair.
"Yeah." I mumble, tired from today. My eyes drooped until the only thing I saw was darkness.
YOU ARE READING
Deep Breaths (Everlark)
FanfictionThe broken victors of the 74th Hunger Games have once again reunited. This time, they hold on to each other through pain they have endured. They both need each other to heal. Maybe even one more than the other.
