will you ever look at me (the way i look at you) || Jikook

1️⃣ : whispers on the street

To avoid any confusion, the first part of this chapter is from Jimin's POV, and the second part is from my POV. Basically, the first half is Jimin's interpretation of what happens and the second half is what actually takes place.

Let's get into it.

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"Fuck....hyung, I just- I don't know what to do...." 
 
Jimin suddenly stopped in his tracks, the somewhat disturbed voice coming from the room he was passing by being the reason behind it.
 
"This is making me lose my mind..." 
 
Jimin furrowed his brows, wanting to inch closer to the slightly ajar door of the room containing the commotion. Then it hit him that the room he was standing infront of was Jungkook's.
 
Jimin decided to move closer to the door, making sure that he was out of sight of the people in the room.
 
"I hate this so much hyung....." Jimin's heart raced involuntarily at hearing Jungkook's voice, his stomach churning at noticing the prominent anguish in Jungkook's tone.
 
"It's okay, you can handle this. You're just not dealing with it in the right manner Jungkook. You know very well that getting frustrated over this is not the solution. You have to do something about it." That was definitely Jin hyung's voice, Jimin noted to himself. As he couldn't notice any other member's voice or presence inside the room, he concluded that the conversation was taking place between Jungkook and Jin.
 
"What should I do hyung? What can I do? So far I've just been ruining things, and I'm afraid that I'll just keep making things worse." Confusion clouded Jimin's mind. Ruining things? What was Jungkook talking about?
 
"You won't make things worse. Just be true to what you feel, things will start becoming clear on their own." Jin's calm voice could be heard, a stark contrast to Jungkook's panicked tone.
 
"No hyung, this just -- this sucks. I can't do this hyung.....I can't do this. I've disappointed myself so many times regarding this matter that I've lost all faith in myself." Jimin had never heard Jungkook speak in such a helpless manner before. It felt as if he had no hope left in him. And that just added to Jimin's confusion and budding curiosity. Was Jungkook refering to his career, maybe? Jimin's innocent mind pondered.
 
"I hate feeling so lost hyung....I truly despise this so much....." All Jimin wanted to do was to remove the uneasiness from Jungkook's voice, his hand moving to clutch at the collar of his own t-shirt.
 
"Why does it have to be him hyung? Why do we have to be bandmates? Why the fuck do we have to live together? I forget how to breathe when he is around hyung." Jimin's breath got stuck in his throat, tension gradually building in his shoulders. Jungkook sounded like he was really angry now, and it seemed like the target of his rage was a bandmate. So this conversation was about a bandmate all along? Jungkook sounded so distressed because of a bandmate? But who could it be? 
 
Jimin swallowed heavily, his hands starting to tremble. He didn't know why, but he felt like he knew the answer deep down. He felt like he knew who had caused Jungkook such trouble.
 
"I was fine on my own. Why did Jimin have to come and ruin everything?" And there it was, Jimin was proven right. Jungkook was fuming when he said those words, making something delicate break inside of Jimin. He didn't realise that he had held his breath, his heart fiercely thudding against his ribcage.
 
"Why? Just.....why?" Jimin's eyes widened at the increasing volume of Jungkook's voice and the frustration oozing out of him.
 
"Kook, just listen to me--" Jin tried to speak up but Jungkook cut him off.
 
"I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to being normal again as long as Jimin is in my life." Tears filled Jimin's eyes at those words. He clenched his eyes shut as he lowered his head, a dull ache starting to form in his chest. Jungkook wanted him out of his life now?
 
"Jungkook.....what are you say--"
 
"I wish I'd never met him hyung.....I wish I'd never known him....." Jungkook's voice boomed across the room, making Jimin flinch. That was it, Jimin had heard enough. He couldn't bear hearing another word coming from Jungkook, too afraid that it might actually break him. Jimin had experienced enough of Jungkook's distaste towards him and he was kind of used to it, but now this was becoming too much to handle. 
 
Jimin's tears broke free. He felt his heart breaking miserably, the cracks in his heart being too far gone to salvage.
 
"Then I wouldn't have to feel these ugly things that he makes me feel." 
 
Jimin took a deep breath to somewhat compose himself and hastily wiped away his tears, wanting to get away from there immediately. 
 
He didn't remember much after that. He just seemed to realise that he practically sprinted towards his room, shut the door behind him and slid down the door. A heart-wrenching sob escaped his throat, but he tried his best to muffle the sound by clamping a hand on his mouth. He remembered his heart's pain, it hurt that night like never before.
 
And whether Jimin cried while sleeping or he slept while crying, he didn't know.
 
Everything seemed to be a blur.
 
---
 
"Jungkook, what's wrong?" Jin asked as soon as he entered Jungkook's room, pushing the door shut behind him but forgetting to lock it.
 
"What do you mean hyung? Nothing's wrong. I'm fine, I'm always fine." Came the reply from Jungkook who was laying on his back on the bed, his hands on top of his eyes.
 
Jin gave him a deadpan look, rolling his eyes at Jungkook's words. But all in all, his body language screamed concern towards his dongsaeng.
 
"Don't give me that bullshit Jungkook-ah, I know something is wrong. Don't think I didn't notice you being out of it for the whole day. You haven't been yourself for months Jungkook..... we're worried about you...tell me what's going on...." 
 
Jungkook remained unresponsive, refusing to even look at Jin as he continued covering his eyes with his hands. But Jin could notice that his breathing had become heavier.
 
"Let me guess, is it about Jimin in anyway?" Jin risked asking, but it felt like he already knew the answer.
 
Jungkook lifted his hands away from his face and let them fall on his sides, revealing red-rimmed eyes and a flushed face. It seemed like he had been crying. He sat up on the bed, roughly rubbing his eyes after, clearly frustrated at himself. Knowing that there was no escaping this confrontation, he nodded jerkily in response to Jin's question, finally making eye contact with his eldest hyung. Jin's expression softened.
 
"Okay Kook-ah, what is it about Jimin?" Jin urged as he walked closer to the bed, going to stand near the edge of the bed.
 
"Everything.....it's everything about Jimin." Jungkook exhaled heavily, his voice coming out a little hoarse.
 
"It's the way his eyes seem to sparkle whenever he's in a good mood, the way he smiles so widely that his eyes turn into crescents, the way he looks so beautiful when he smiles, the way he calls out to me when he wants to get my attention, the way he laughs with his whole body, the way he talks animatedly about the shows he has been watching, the way he walks....the way he sings....the way he dances....the way he breathes..... everything about him hyung. Everything about him drives me crazy." Jungkook said, his tone somewhat defeated. His lips curled up a little to show a small smile when he was describing the things Jimin did, but it seemed like he didn't even realise that he did it.
 
"And why is that?" Jin gently pressed on, wanting Jungkook to speak his heart out on this matter, knowing that Jungkook had kept it to himself for God knows how long.
 
"Because..... I-I....because...." It was clear that Jungkook was having trouble voicing whatever he wanted to say. It seemed as if there was a war going on between his mind and his heart, and Jungkook looked hesitant on whether he should actually say what he had been feeling or not. His eyes looked so lost as they wandered around his room, not meeting Jin's eyes anymore.
 
"I'm listening Jungkook. You know you can tell me anything." Jin assured, sensing the inner turmoil the younger was seemingly facing.
 
Jungkook heaved a sigh before he began, "You know that I've always felt something for Jimin hyung," Jin nodded, "and I was decently good at hiding my feelings before....I mean I did it by pushing him away and pointedly ignoring him, "Jungkook's tone was flooded with guilt and remorse, "when what I actually wanted to do all along was take him into my arms, hold him in my embrace and kiss away all the pain I've caused him over the years...." Jungkook's eyes became glossy but he blinked rapidly to get rid of the moisture.
 
"My coping mechanisms have always been destructive hyung, and to make matters even worse, my feelings just keep getting stronger and deeper with every breath I take.....it surprises me as well hyung, just how my feelings for him consume me entirely....making me feel breathless...." Jungkook closed his eyes as if to gather his thoughts, trying to regulate his breathing, "....it feels suffocating sometimes, and I can't seem to understand why....." 
 
Jungkook opened his eyes to see Jin giving him a sympathetic look, his eyes looking sad. Jungkook found himself shaking his head.
 
"Don't give me that look hyung. I'm not here for the pity party." 
 
"I'm not pitying you, Kook-ah. You do realise that what you feel for Jimin is not just a --" Jungkook cut Jin off mid sentence.
 
"I know it's not just attraction or infatuation. I used to think that it was just a stupid crush and that's why I was so adamant and persistent in my efforts to deny it or to pretend like it wasn't real. I was certain I could get rid of the crush I thought I had on him, and I did everything in my power to do just that. I was so young hyung, I had no idea how feelings worked....and on top of that, I thought I was committing a sin just because I felt differently for Jiminie hyung -- who's a guy for fuck's sake -- than I felt for the rest of you guys. You guys have always been big brothers to me, but I've never been able to view Jiminie hyung the same way, no matter how hard I tried...." Jungkook took in a deep breath.
 
"Jimin has always been more than a bandmate, more than a friend, more than a brother to me hyung. He has the ability to make my heart do these weird things that nobody else has ever been able to do. He takes my breath away by his presence alone. And I didn't want something as silly as a crush to control me hyung. Moreover, I was terrified that it would break our band apart." Jungkook hung his head low, holding it in his hands. Jin moved to sit beside Jungkook on the bed, keeping a hand on his shoulder to lend him silent support.
 
"I had been doing so well in hiding these feelings so far hyung, but now the feelings have become unbearable. These feelings have started becoming way too overwhelming hyung....and I -- and I don't know how to handle them. My shitty coping mechanisms are only adding more to the pain." Jungkook tugged at his own hair, a clear sign of frustration, his breaths coming out short. Jin could sense that he was on the verge of panicking.
 
"Fuck....hyung, I just- I don't know what to do...." With his hands still tugging at his hair, Jungkook got up from the bed, proceeding to walk aimlessly around his room.
 
"This is making me lose my mind..." Jungkook harshly massaged his forehead that seemed to be throbbing with pain.
 
"I hate this so much hyung....." Jungkook tried to swallow down the lump forming in his throat, roaming around his room in helpless frenzy.
 
Jin got up from the bed as well, walking to go near Jungkook and tell him that the situation was not as horrible as it seemed to be. To tell him that he could still get to the bottom of this and find a solution.
 
"It's okay, you can handle this. You're just not dealing with it in the right manner Jungkook. You know very well that getting frustrated over this is not the solution. You have to do something about it." 
 
Jin's words seemed to rub Jungkook the wrong way for some reason.
 
"What should I do hyung? What can I do? So far I've just been ruining things, and I'm afraid that I'll just keep making things worse." 
 
"You won't make things worse. Just be true to what you feel, things will start becoming clear on their own." Jin still tried to encourage him to not lose hope.
 
But Jungkook was just not ready to listen, he was too deep into his own annoyingly stubborn thick skull.
 
"No hyung, this just -- this sucks. I can't do this hyung.....I can't do this. I've disappointed myself so many times regarding this matter that I've lost all faith in myself." Jungkook seemed to have fixed his mind on remaining hopeless, shaking his head repeatedly as he spoke, paired with gesturing wildly with his hands.
 
"I hate feeling so lost hyung....I truly despise this so much....." Jungkook came to a stop as he uttered the words, finally trying to fix his composure after his slightly manic behaviour.
 
And suddenly, it felt as if the dam broke. All the pent up feelings, pain and frustration over the years seemed to get to Jungkook at once, replacing his emotions of anguish, dispair and helplessness with the rage of senseless anger.
 
"Why does it have to be him hyung? Why do we have to be bandmates? Why the fuck do we have to live together? I forget how to breathe when he is around hyung." Jungkook spit out, his brows knitted together as he turned to look at Jin sharply. He knew deep down that he didn't mean the words he was saying, and that it was just his frustration talking, but now he was too far gone to stop himself.
 
"I was fine on my own. Why did Jimin have to come and ruin everything?" Jungkook was fuming, the ability to think clearly slipping out of his fingers. But if anything, the rage and anger was all directed at himself.
 
"Why? Just.....why?" Jungkook's voice was steadily increasing in volume.
 
"Kook, just listen to me--"
 
"I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to being normal again as long as Jimin is in my life." Jungkook knew that was not right. There was never a time when he was not completely enchanted by Jimin, there was never a time when Jimin did not own his heart. Loving Jimin was 'being normal' to Jungkook, but he just refused to accept it out loud.
 
"Jungkook.....what are you say--"
 
"I wish I'd never met him hyung.....I wish I'd never known him....." Jungkook's voice boomed across the room, his heart shaking violently in his chest, "Then I wouldn't have to feel these ugly things that he makes me feel." 
 
It was dead silent for a while after that.
 
"What the fuck Jungkook? What the fuck are you saying? Have you seriously lost your mind?" Jin had had enough. It was time for him to seriously knock some sense into Jungkook's head.
 
"Are you hearing yourself right now? You wish to have never met Jimin? To have never known him? Oh, give me a break!" Jin scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief.
 
"Remember the time when you were younger you would come running and barge into my room just to talk about Jimin. You would always be like 'Jimin this, Jimin that.', you would never shut up about him. I've never seen you look at anyone else the way you look at Jimin. You look at him as if he hung the stars in the sky, as if he is the love of your life Jungkook-ah.....and you dare to deny that?" Jin's voice was fierce, echoing in the silence of the room.
 
"Weren't you the one who would ditch all of us and go to Jimin when you needed comfort? Wasn't Jimin the one who helped you the most with your homesickness? Didn't you tell me that Jimin reminds you of home and the ocean of Busan? I also remember you telling me that Jimin is home to you. And now you say that he ruined everything for you? Unbelievable." Jin sighed heavily, his heart feeling heavy.
 
"What is 'being normal' to you Jungkook-ah? Haven't you been interested in Jimin ever since your trainee days? Haven't you been adoring him ever since you were like what, 11 or 12? Has there ever been a time when you didn't have feelings for Jimin? Tell me, Kook-ah. You told me once that you're the most grateful to have Jimin in your life. Did you not mean that?" Jin's voice had become considerably silent now, the tension in his body gradually evaporating. He was tired, he was so tired of seeing this game of push and pull between his two most beloved dongsaengs. He was so tired of witnessing Jungkook become the victim of his own words and actions, time and time again. He just wanted to stop Jungkook from hurting himself and also, to stop hurting Jimin.
 
Once he had calmed down, Jin turned his head to look at Jungkook, coming face to face with a silently sobbing Jungkook. Jungkook had started crying somewhere along Jin's words, eventually not being able to control himself and breaking down into a painful sob.
 
Jin's words seemed like a slap to Jungkook's face but also, managed to touch his heart. Everything Jin said was so true, it felt as if Jin was taking Jungkook on a trip down memory lane through all the years Jungkook had spent harbouring feelings for Jimin.
 
"I m-meant it. I'll always be the m-most grateful t-to have Jimin in my life...." Jungkook choked out, harshly wiping away his tears.
 
Jin smiled tiredly, moving to stand facing Jungkook. 
 
"Do something about this Jungkook, I know you can. Fix the conflict you've caused between you and Jimin. Stop hurting yourself, and kindly stop hurting Jimin in the process as well." Jin's eyes watered, his voice becoming fragile.
 
"I love and care for you dearly Jungkook-ah, but that doesn't mean I love and care for Jimin any less. That boy has been through so much, but he always gets through it with a smile on his face. He is the strongest among us all, but that doesn't mean that he'll tolerate everything that you throw at him. The harsh words, the mean actions, the constant teasing.....it's all too much for any human to bear. I know you didn't mean to do all those things, but that doesn't justify the fact that you did indeed hurt Jimin, quite a lot." Another sob ripped out of Jungkook's throat, and Jin patted his back to console him.
 
"What you feel is valid Jungkook. I know you were very young when all this began, and your emotions of confusion and helplessness are valid. I know you were terrified of having feelings for a boy, and that's valid, especially when all our lives we've been taught that loving another male is a sin. But you've grown out of that, you've accepted your sexuality and identity and I'm extremely proud of you for that. I know you feared that our band would break because of your feelings towards Jimin but I've reassured you countless times that it will never happen, your hyungs will all understand you Jungkook, trust me. We are seven, and we always will be seven. Nothing will ever break us apart." That brought a faint smile on Jungkook's face, "Things aren't as bad as you think they are. Trust me when I tell you that you will get to the bottom of this. You will find a solution." 
 
"You really think so?" Jungkook's wide doe eyes shined with hope as he asked, the tears still flowing down his cheeks in a steady stream. 
 
"Yes of course, you dumbass. Now don't make me repeat everything that I've already said. I've never given a speech that long in my life." Jin flicked Jungkook's forehead, resulting in Jungkook groaning in pain and swatting his hand at him.
 
"I'm in love with Jiminie hyung. God, I love him so much, hyung." Jungkook said out loud, and it felt exhilarating. His eyes twinkled as he said those words, the words he knew all along by heart.
 
"Now you're realising that? You're such an idiot." Jin huffed in mock exasperation, but his bright eyes and proud smile gave him away.
 
"But I've hurt Jiminie so much hyung. What if he hates me now? What if he doesn't want to talk to me? What if he refuses to listen to me?" The doubt and worry were back on Jungkook's face and voice, making Jin groan out loud.

"Oh God, here we go again!" Jin glared at Jungkook, "Jungkook, we are talking about Jimin here. Have you seen the way he looks at you? He would take a bullet for you Jungkook. Just talk to him. Lay your heart bare and make him listen to your heart. Show him your true feelings, show him how deeply you feel for him. He will surely understand. Don't say or do anything that you don't mean. Take this as your last chance, and don't you dare mess this up. It's been ages since I've seen our Minnie smile genuinely." Jin's eyes dimmed in their light, his expression dropping.
 
"Don't worry hyung, I won't mess this up this time. I'll bring the smile back on Jiminie's face, I promise. I'll fix the mess that I've caused, I'll do it without fail. I'll bring our happy and cheerful Jiminie back, no matter what it takes." Jungkook assured Jin as well as himself internally, his eyes flaring with determination.
 
"That's my boy! Thank God you came back to your senses. I didn't raise you for you to become a stupid asshole." 
 
"Ouch hyung. You're so mean." 
 
"Oh, shush. No more wasting time. I'm gonna go now. Think carefully about the words you're going to say and talk to Jimin tomorrow. Don't forget what I've told you. You've got this."
 
"Thanks hyung. I'm on it." 
 
"Go get your man tiger!" Jin winked before walking out of the room.