In His Custody ✎ (MaNan)

✰ 21 - the silver swans

Media box has Manik in white but imagine him in all black for the last scene, and shower your love please <3

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18 September 2010

Babbu, you must be wondering what has been going on and why I haven't updated you lately. It's 4:33 am on a Saturday morning. I have brushed, showered and made myself a coffee. As per my timetable that I had set up for myself, I'm supposed to be practicing my vocal variety today, but my heart is not there yet.

The last few days has been more or less a blur. I have a vague idea how lifelessly I passed the days, but nothing much to comment about them. I'm hoping this entry will help me empty my mind and help me refocus on the competition ahead. 

Let's start with Ammamma's promise–Harshad had made it super easy by choosing me in his band. NH2, he called it, that was until I wanted to talk to Navya about the scene that took place with Manik's band and on Tuesday, she left Aryamann hanging to sign up for music herself.

We became NH3, and practiced for an hour that day. Navya was on the piano, Harshad was the lead vocalist and guitarist, and after penning down a verse briefly, Harshad had asked me to sing to a tune. It was repulsive to say the least, but the other two proclaimed me to be on the vocals.

Having regained a bit of confidence from our jam session, I had mustered the courage to talk to Manik. I waited for Aiyappa only knows how long, then hid behind a wall as Abhi entered their rehearsal room before I could, reminding me of the distance I needed to maintain with Manik.

On Wednesday evening, I had invited Aryamann over to study with me after school. Navya's stunt of leaving him in theatre alone might have upset him, so I thought he would have appreciated some company. Along with that was the opportunity to have some salted chilli biscuits that Chikkamma eagerly wanted to prepare for a while. The biscuits weren't bad, but I managed to make an excuse and save Aryamann of the trouble! That evening had kept me distracted, and sprouted a new perspective to the situation.

Why was I the one supposed to go and talk it out? If anything, while his friends were saying all kinds of horrible things to me... some of which I had not even understood... neither him nor Mukti whom I considered closest to me had taken a stand. That Wednesday had ended with me crying myself to sleep.

Chikkamma was a bit concerned about my plummetted mood on the morning of Thursday and made me stay home and help her sort out the kitchen cabinets. I did not want to refuse, and it kept me occupied on Thursday, when Shahid–from one of the SPACE boarding hostels–joined the band as a drummer.

Yesterday, I had made it to school earlier than usual as I was dropped off by Abhi, and Manik and I had crossed paths in the corridor back from assembly. "Manik..." I had called.

He continued walking while rolling his eyes at me. That action had hurt.

"I don't understand why you're angry, if anything I think I should be the one behaving the way you are," I said, agitated and at wit's end.

He stared at me. At least he had listened. Had I pleaded, he probably would not have. "That's ridiculous," He had unconsciously walked towards me, as I nuzzled into a coveted space under the staircase, against a wall, feeling trapped. That courage I had built up over the last few days had exponentially declined in its intensity upon seeing him. 

My throat ran dry, "Your friends were saying such horrid things about me that day. You know how hurtful that would have been for me, and you just let them," It was so uncharacteristic of me to say those things, even hearing them out loud from my own mouth made me a little sick to my stomach. I had never openly spoken about my pain like that in front of anyone outside family, never had felt that powerless in front of anyone.