Chapter 19
At work, the man on the speaker over my head saying
I'm gonna take a freight train
Down at the station, Lord
I don't care where it goes
Gonna climb a mountain
The highest mountain
I'll jump off, nobody gonna know
Can't you see, whoa, can't you see
What that woman, Lord, she been doin' to me?
Can't you see, can't you see
What that woman, she's been doin' to me?
I'm gonna find me a hole in the wall
I'm gonna crawl inside and die...
It my first day back since what happen with the blonde and they have me working from 8 in the morning until 12 at night. This the most long I will not see the blonde since I don't know when and I might be feeling good about it but I too worry about how Sherry and everyone gonna treat me but a hour into my work day and I don't see any problem on anyone face, all that anger and hurt I see from them the other day disappear now, it like nothing happen at all and I thinking maybe they just forget it, that maybe they have more important thing to think about, like how many customer there is in the store. It so busy that all them stranger out in the lobby have to touch and rub on each other and Tom, Marcy, Roberta and the others, they all looking at me and talking at me but it just about the work we doing but I thinking maybe the more personal talk gonna come later when it die down a little. But still, I not feeling that amazing feeling they give to me like a warm blanket, that day that was maybe the best day of my life outside of any day that I have with my parent when they still alive.
The day go on and everybody staying about they work and I have to wonder what they was talking about on the day after the blonde incident, the day I was not here. I must ask myself about half a million time that day, or however many time a person can have the same thought in 16 hour time, if I am still one of them, if they still like me. But looking at them, the way they still nod at me, how they have the same old tired and don't wanna be here look they have since I first meet them, I cannot tell either way.
When I get home I just about glad to see the blonde and she sitting on the couch with her back turn to me it look like she reading and it funny because I thinking with only her hair showing from behind, she might be anyone.
I put my hand on her shoulder and she on her feet in a second, she throw the book at me and I too slow to stop it maybe because I have not fight in so long now and it hit me in the head hard.
She scream, pointing, "Who the fuck are you?" and I see in her eye that she not pretend, she don't know me and this make me feel real bad, like it my most big fear and I don't even know it. Then I remember how long I been gone for. Sixteen hour.
She run to the kitchen to get a knife probably and I have to wrestle her to the floor, I don't say anything, I too busy because she know so much about fighting that it taking all my thought and strong to deal with her. When she finally too tired to move anymore I sit her on the couch and I look at her and I seeing what all them men who after her all her life see: She pure hate. That hurt me bad and I thinking after everything I should hate her back but now I know it don't matter what you thinking, your feeling always have the last say.
I tired from the day and I tired from wrestling and I spend half the night trying make her remember who I am and part of me think that this my best time to leave her for good but I say, "Remember when we first meet? Remember that? You remember that?" I just have to keep asking her if she remember that because I don't remember. Only remember some blurry sex and not even the whole thing, just little parts here and there like them picture I use to take on that camera for Dugan.
She say, "A boyfriend? Me? That's absurd."
I tell her about our daughter who die, I tell her I meet her parent, I even tell her thing about my parent that I never tell anyone and she just make a face and say, "That's weird."
