Heartbreak | bxb angst

Chapter 10

The rhythmic hum of the engine feels like it only amplified the unspoken tension within the car ride towards Ked's appartement. Jude was too distracted by the vibrations and the concerns in her head, her focus on the road was lost.

She missed a turn a few meters ago, and it seems there's no way to turn back until a few more ahead.

"Shit, I missed a turn. Sorry guys." She said, glancing at the reflection of the boys in the rearview mirror.

The two brushed her concerns off, saying its alright but Vinny seemed a little too excited that he doesn't have to part with Ked just yet. Jude almost resented herself for thinking in such a baseless way. Ked is a great person, no one could resist his charm. Of course Vinny would be happy to spend more time with him.

But then again, they had spent an entire day together. Surely people would need a break, even from someone like Ked.

Jude tried exhaling her terrible thoughts away. They're just good friends. But her and Vinny are good friends too, right? Not to mention for a longer period of time. Then why does Vinny look so much happier with Ked?

After finally finding a turn on the road, she found herself speeding the car up just a little bit. She hates to admit it, but she wanted Ked away already.

-

What felt like a roadtrip around the world in reality was just her dropping off her two friends. She had thought after Ked was dropped off she would have some time with Vinny, but the boy didn't even move to his usual seat. He stayed where he was and barely conversed with Jude.

Arriving home she had hoped to meet one of her parents, but of course, she didn't. Sometimes, if she were lucky, her mom would be sat on the couch watching television, or sometimes her dad would be first to greet her outside. However most days, it was like today. They won't be home until just before dinner.

Jude immediately made her way to her room and stripped her clothes off. She always needed a shower no matter what right after classes. Mainly to get clean, of course, but today she needed hot water to relieve the tension in her head.

Clad in a towel after the shower, she stood in front of her dresser as she used another towel to dry her hair. She caught a glance of her own reflection in the mirror.

Putting the towel down she stopped to take a good look at herself. She felt it was vain to think that with all her features, there was no way Vinny would be able to refuse her. The reflection staring back at her made it really hard to disagree.

If only he weren't gay. Vinny said he's still not sure, but after seeing all that today, even the most oblivious person could see right through him. Sure, bisexuality exists, but still, it doesn't seem like Jude is the one winning him over.

She sighed. Would it be easier if she were a man? Would it mean Vinny would look at her the way he looked at Ked?

Right after those thoughts passed she felt her reflection had changed. Her hand touched her cheek in hopes that she was hallucinating, but the now seemingly different reflection followed her gesture exactly.

She tilted her head and with eyebrows furrowed, she wondered why does she suddenly looked overly.. feminine?

The cheek she was tracing felt soft and supple. Would Vinny like it better sharp and chiseled? Her eyes, round, bright, maybe a little too bright? Vinny prefers something more stoic and intense, perhaps?

Her face, once a source of confidence now feels like it was betraying her, portraying her in ways she doesn't want to. She can't help but imagine Ked's, strikingly different from hers however in this moment she wished to have whatever it is he had that caught Vinny's attention.

The image started to get too hard to look at. With a heavy sigh Jude shut her eyes closed, stood up while removing the damp towel away from her body and got dressed. Not even sparing another glance at the mirror, she left her room and intended to look for something to snack on.

A sweet treat would help, she thought. She opened the fridge only to see a pitcher filled a quarter of the way with leftover rosewater lemonade, reminding her of the fate that soon she would have to spend her days all alone like this, but worse since she'll no longer have the comfort of knowing her parents would come home. She tried her best to ignore it as she grabbed a chocolate bar in black plastic packaging. It was probably her dad's, but he'll be okay with this little revenge.

The memory of her father's habit only hurt her more. Everything seemed to make fun of her situation, of her unrequited love and her immature self not wanting to separate with her parents. The chocolate ended up tasting bitter.

Jude almost threw it across the room in frustration, but remembering it's not even hers, she rearranged the wrapper back neatly and put it back in the fridge. She'll apologise later. Right now, she needs to go. Anywhere but this all too familiar house.

-

The neighbourhood park where she used to visit as a child is now unattended. No one really took care of it, the grass isn't as green, and the trees seemed to be missing liveliness.

Jude doesn't really visit this place anymore either. She doesn't remember when, or why, but she guessed it was probably because life caught up. She just has no more time to come and play as much.

Her legs led her to a very familiar trail. So familiar, her ears seemed to hear the sound of a small dog barking as it chased a little girl. She smiled and cringed a little at the memory.

She stopped in her tracks as she felt a weird texture on the ground. Is this where it happened? The dip that used to feel as deep as a trench, the one that tripped her and scraped her knee, now just a weird step on the ground. Jude laughed to herself. Her dad was right, she got big.

The air felt like it was beginning to whisper to her, with a childlike voice ringing in her ears.

"Are you okay?"

Her smile faded slowly. She turned her head to look somewhere in the distance, behind a now balding bush, that's where she had heard him the very first time. The image of his missing teeth suddenly appeared in her mind, a detail she once loved so dearly, now abruptly feeling as if it forcefully nailed a hole into her chest.

He was so young. So was she. She didn't think much of his actions back then, maybe it was the distracting pain of her knee, but now, re-experiencing it through a memory, the boy was her lifesaver. Nostalgia is supposed to feel nice, right? Why does this one feel like it was gutting Jude inside out?

Her eyes stung. Her lips quivered. She felt her strength leaving her, causing her knees to give in as she dropped to the ground.

The sensations now felt painful, familiar but drastically different. The sun wasn't bright. The wind wasn't blowing. The sharp grass felt like glass shards on her skin. There's no pain in her knee, but a much worse one is emerging from her chest.

No one is coming to save her. No one is going to greet her worryingly at home.

Jude's tears started to flow unrestrained. Silent sobs shook her body, her shoulders trembling under the weight of emotions she couldn't handle anymore. Her attempts to stifle the cries only intensified it, the agony that enveloped her felt like flames slowly burning her alive.

A guttural sound escaped her throat. A sound that encapsulated the depth of her suffering, a sound that resonated with the shattered fragments of her heart. She let go. Her cries got louder and louder, but no matter how much, there's no one there to listen.

Jude could only ask the silence. How did it become this way? Why her? If she was paying back some karma from her past life, she begged the universe would loosen the grip around her just a little. She fears that she'll soon break from the pressure.

She never asked for too much. Could she not have just this one thing?

The park, now abandoned and not as beautiful, once again served as a witness to Jude's suffering, the now dull colors weeping alongside her.