End Game: My Brother, My Friend.... My Lover?

JUNGHWAN

A few months ago:
(First sleepover at Kim's after Dowoo breakup)

      
        I know I shouldn't have assumed that Dobby and I are still as close like we used to, but I don't know what came over me when I saw him so depressed and looked so lost after his outburst with Jeongwoo hyung before leaving the dorm.

My conscience kicked in and it's really true, old habits die hard. Seeing him hurting and in tears, pricked my heart. It has been like that ever since. So when he suddenly asked me to drive him home despite his recent avoidance drama, i didn't hesitate for a bit.

When we reached their house, and knowing he will be left alone with his parents on duty til tomorrow, I contemplated a lot if I should offer to stay or not. Gladly, a little later, he asked me himself to stay.

Being this closer with Dobby again, brought back old emotions which greatly influenced my mood and motivation in everything I did. We used to be inseparable, like two peas in a pod. I never gave much thought to it at first since all of the members were really close as brothers.

What triggered my confusion was when I started to feel weird and uncomfortable seeing him being too close to mashi then later with JeongWoo hyung.

I just kept this feeling myself since I didn't want to make the group change its dynamics and other hyungs are also clingy to me which I later rationalized as being normal since we all are that close to the point that skinship and intimacy was a daily occurrence.

But when the hyungs' relationships in pairs surfaced and came to my awareness, it brought back those unanswered questions, big questions in me.

What is Dobby to me. No matter how I compare my feelings to the other members, especially Jeongwoo hyung whom I was closest to, I never felt intimidated nor possessive when he started hanging out more often with 0104.

Dobby is different, I feel irritated when he gets clingy and touchy with Mashi or with Jeongwoo hyung, and it's frustrating cause I feel guilty every single time.

But no matter I get to feel all these complicated emotions, at the end of the day, when Dobby and I were back to our own bubble, yes we share a bed almost every time he's in the dorm when we had comebacks and concerts, all these irritations and confusions? Poof! Gone! It would be overpowered with the most satisfying feeling of comfort, warmth...... contentment? Love?

If it was before, I probably would come up with all the possible excuses and reasons and terms, but now that I am fully of age and mind, I knew my emotions well and I've been the master of suppressing ever since I realized I was inlove, no I am in love with my best friend.

It took me years and a heartbreak to realize it. When it was too late and Dobby got together with Mashi hyung.

Imagine the torture I went through, fate was really cruel to me that time. It was like slapping me everyday with the reminder of my foolishness, being with Dobby 24/7 due to a project we both got casted that lasted almost 6 months filming. Not even counting the months of promotions in and out of the country. Worst of all, sometimes we were assigned to room together in a 2 bedroom suite. Fun-fxcking-tastic!

And so I opt to go out a lot to party to avoid being alone with him. That draw the line between us up until our last comeback when the Jline returned from Japan, and when the 3 of us with Jeongwoo hyung lived in the same dorm again, and you know the rest as you had read on Chapter 1 😊.

But no matter how I tried to whisk away his image in my mind by trying to meet other people, men or women, since I wanted to check also the truth of what I really wanted, useless, total failure. Dobby was tattooed in my mind.