The Deep End ✔️

17 - bullsh*t

this is the last chapter
i have prewritten 🤨
i have no idea where i'm
going w this from here on out
(ps don't hate me)

—

"Well, I actually had a change of heart."

I was wondering when I could bring up what Shelby said about Dallas 'getting into LGBTQ law.' I tucked an arm under the pillow and waited for him to elaborate. His cheeks tinged pink and reached one hand forward to touch me.

He toyed with the material of my sweater between his fingers. "After Thanksgiving, I was thinking a lot about what I was even afraid of about my career and you. I brought it up to my dad and, well, he pointed out that the whole reason I was afraid to continue things with you was because I was afraid I'd be discriminated against in my workplace," he said. All of this was old news. Obviously. "Which is exactly the type of shit that I want to help defend. It was my dad's idea for me to start looking into LGBTQ law and all of the different types of cases dealt with in the matter. To maybe have the ability to stand up for the thing that even I was afraid of because of my sexuality. So I did."

My lips parted in surprise. "It was your dad's idea?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "So what does this mean?" I asked, my mouth dry and my voice hoarse.

"Well, I'm still looking into it, but I think I could find a private practice who might accept a lawyer who specializes in LGBTQ work. I think I'd be a lot happier doing that and . . . y'know. Free to be you and me."

He seemed so nervous to tell me all of this. My mind was racing faster than my heart, which was really saying something. When he first told me about his passion for representing wrongful convictions, it made sense. This . . . didn't make sense to me. He had worked for that for years, even before getting into law school. How could he just snap his fingers and change his mind?

I shook my head and sat up. "You're making a mistake," I said. Dallas sat up beside me and he rolled his eyes.

"I knew you'd say something like that," he laughed and I turned my body towards him. How could he laugh when I was fighting the urge to weep? "It doesn't matter what I'm doing, Thomas. My dream and goal and passion is about helping people. Giving platforms and voices to people who don't have the power to do so themselves. I don't care who I'm working for as long as I'm helping good people. I can still try to get into the innocent's projects but until then, I'm feeling really sure about this."

The way his words lit up his entire face was beyond enticing. He spoke with his hands and his eyes and his lips and his eyebrows. I couldn't help but smile at the sight of his sureness.

I wasn't sure what to say. He was being open and honest, rendering me speechless. I couldn't ignore the nagging feeling in the back of my mind screaming, Don't let him throw it away over you. It wasn't even like that, but it felt like he was making his decisions based solely on me. I couldn't handle that.

"All I want is for you to say yes," Dallas mumbled.

"I . . . I can't," I whispered. "I can't let you throw away a good thing."

Dallas threw his hands in the air. "Oh my God, Thomas. Are you even listening to me?" he said, his voice a level louder than before. I flinched. "How is any of this a good thing? Sneaking around with you, lying to Shelby, pretending I'm happy? I have it all figured out. I just need you to trust me."

"You have it all figured out?" I asked with a scoff, turning away from him once again. "What happens when I lose my shit like I always do? When I end things with you because that's what I do, dude. I fucking ruin everything and you can't tell me I'm lying because I've been living like this since I was twelve, for fuck's sake. Not you."