VIRAGO

out in the cold

Zoey did her best, she did try to savor her victory. The day she'd been dreading was finally over and like Tommy said she was free, she had done it, she'd successfully destroyed every man who controlled her and now held the power, all the cards were in her hands. However, you would have never been able to tell from just looking at her as she sat there trembling, mascara-stained cheeks, a paleness overcoming her as she struggled to smoke with a steady hand.

This success felt almost bittersweet, though she'd achieved everything she had set her sights on something within her had begun to rot, those horrific memories she'd collected over her lifetime had distorted her reality unable to break their hold over her. She might as well have failed because it all felt the same- winning or losing, she'd be in her own personal purgatory regardless of the outcome.

With the noise and commotion of the races becoming unbearable, Zoey had found herself a sheltered little table, out of the way but still in view to overlook the public while golden drops of rain started to spill from fragmented clouds allowing a few shreds of weak winter rays to slice through the gray. A contrasting turn of weather which very much resembled the girl's state of being at this time as she waited for Eddie to pull the car round, while also attempting to find the strength to say goodbye.

This melancholic moment however had been shattered by the boisterous presence of Arthur Shelby pulling up a chair and slamming it down beside her, soon followed by John who mirrored his brother's actions but dragged the chair to be in closer proximity. "Zoey, where the fuck is Tommy?" Arthur had asked the girl in his usual gruffness, leaning his arms back against the chair and looking at her, avoiding mentioning her strained state as she continued to unsteadily smoke her cigarette. "The coppers took him," She revealed in a broken voice, "Dragged him out and chucked him in a van."

"Ah for fuck sake," Arthur exclaimed leaning forward, while John had just managed to get a decent look at her face as she spoke up, noticing a few fresh bruises and cuts along with the dried tears triggering a concerned and irritated frown, "I best go find and tell Pol, then." Arthur as thick as he could be sometimes, knew when to excuse himself from the table as he observed the silent dynamic between the couple.

"Hey, what happened to you?" His hand had reached to hold her knee, making the girl finally look up to him. Her eyes had seemed more drained of their color than before to him as if all the tears spilled as left them washed and drained.

"Had a tumble," She dismissed his worries unconvincingly.

"O don't fucking give me that." He'd protested, under his gaze, she felt as though she'd break all over again so chose to avoid it at all costs, looking down in shame and trepidation. "Zoey," he said her name in hopes of getting her attention once more, but her eyes were fixed on the ground she tried as much as she could to not cry but a few managed to escape. John watched with an aching heart, he had to know what had happened but first, he needed to console her. His hand lightly snaked its way beneath her curls and cradled the back of her neck, guiding her into meeting his eyes again. The look of complete and absolute anguish had overcome her as a single tear turned into a stream, "Come here, come here," His voice was like medicine soothing her soul pulling her closer to his chest, embracing her in a tight protective hold as she wept. "Eh? What happened? What'd Tommy put you up to?"

Heaving slightly, the girl took a second to compose herself before breaking away and wiping her tears, "It doesn't matter anymore it's over." That statement confused John as he watched her slowly detach, "It's all over." she mumbled to herself, though his ears could still detect the frail whisper.

"What's that supposed to mean?" His tone turned serious, trying to search her darting gaze.

"I'm leaving John." She sighed, sad but relieved she had finally confessed.

"You what?" He involuntarily spat, but what he was most afraid of was coming into reality.

"I'm leaving for America, starting a new hotel chain." She timidly explained, meeting his eyes despite not wanting to see the pain she was causing him, but she had to, he deserved a proper goodbye.

"Why? Why are you doing that? You already have so much here." It didn't make sense to him at all, she'd built a luxurious life here in England, and she'd won.

"I want a clean slate, Johnny, I need fresh air to breathe- I'm fucking drowning here." She cried out, desperate for him to understand.

Swallowing his pain after pausing to take it in, the question that played on the top of his mind the most was finally asked "What about us?"

"What about us?" It sounded callous, but from the look on her face it was blatantly untrue it pained her just as much as him. But Zoey knew what would happen if she stayed, she continued her life here while slowly falling apart until one day her failings would result in his death. Like what has happened to countless others whom she loved.

"Zoey."He was adamant in convincing her to stay, in John's mind she wasn't thinking rationally and maybe she wasn't after everything she was put through, but once Zoey Richardson had made her mind up, nothing would be able to deter her. Cupping her cheek, as he had done many times before, he'd drawn her focus to be solely on him, the stubbornness in both their eyes was hidden under a thick glaze of water and sadness, "You can't just fucking leave after everything- everything we've been through. And the fucking kids love you. I- I..."

"I love you."She finished his sentence for him because it was true, she did love him how could she not? He was the best man she knew, "But I have to go, I have no fucking idea who I am, and when I'm here all I have are reminders of who I used to be. How weak I used to be."

"Please don't do this," He pleaded, their foreheads resting against one another as though they were attempting to physically transfer one another's perspectives in the hopes one would succumb to them. "You know running away isn't the answer, we can fix this-" Now both his palms held her damp cheeks, desperately wanting her to stay in his clasp forever. "We can get through this together, I could be your family- I can look after you."

"O Johnny," Zoey breathed, her eyes sealed closed to imagine the life they might have together, but with every idyllic scene she fantasized about, they all ended in a loss, a loss she didn't think she'd be able to survive. So she had chosen to lose it on her terms, cut the story before it ended in a soul-crushing heartbreak. "You have no idea how much I wish we could." A final tear ran down her face as she pulled him in for one final kiss. Knowing it was both the last time they'd see each other, the kiss was soaked in raw emotion the volume of love shared between them transcended any poem, love song, or romance novel that could ever depict.

As they both reluctantly separated, John kept his eyes sealed shut not wanting to watch her walk away. He remained frozen as she sniffled, before saying the one word neither of them wanted to hear, "Goodbye." Removing his hand from her cheek, she plastered one last and desperate kiss on it before whispering, "I love you, John Shelby." And much like the sun had, she'd vanished leaving him out in the cold.