Divine Violence

Dear Diary

Maybe, I don't believe in myself

Dear Diary,

I lost myself in the illusion that all people were good, I lost myself in him, I lost my faith in everything. If there is a higher conscience I beg, let me die in peace.  I wish to get lost at sea, my body going down and rest at the bottom, I know she would never leave me alone, after all, I let her in. I let her take everything.  When I left James for good and was wondering at midnight the City, trying to find a place to stay the night I found this cathedral and found myself at the steps, the heavy wooden door with beautiful cravings showing crosses was closed. I guess the only house I ever know was the House of Thee, just like all houses I ever had I could never walk in and If I did my presence there did not matter, I was a nobody. At the steps, I fell asleep and had a dream that until now I can't recall if it was reality or not. The beautiful woman of my dream where there, she was walking so peacefully, step by step, wearing a beautiful dress, white all over and at the bottom of it red, orange flames burned it, turning it into black ashes. A haunting scene but it was familiar to me, a cloud of fumes was around her it was almost as she was walking on clouds. As she came close to me I could smell the burned fabric and roses.  Reaching a hand she told me to hold it, that all my problems would be solved, she was there for me, her hands were soft and warm like a nice bonfire in the winter. She hugged me and told in my ear with the sweetest voice I ever heard "Let me in Eve, Let me be one with you, Let me take care of you, Let me rest close to your heart, see the world through your eyes, I promise to take care of you, we are one. Since you were born you are mine, I am yours." She rested her forehead on mine, breathing my breath, I looked into her eyes that reflected mine, and her crimson lips kissed me, and with a small blow she was filling my lungs, I could sense her inside me. When I opened my eyes she was gone.

✽✽✽

Dear Diary,

Today is the day I've been waiting for. It's my 18th birthday, but that isn't the most important thing. Anna baked a cake for me, of course, we skipped school. We met in the park, Anna, Ruth and me. The sun was so warm that even the grass was warm. We lay there waiting for time to pass, smoking weed and talking shit about boys. Anna told me that Ben tried to kiss her yesterday and we all laughed. Even though I wish it were me, I can't forget that kiss we shared at her house when Ruth was asleep, she tastes like cigarette and cherry licor.  I feel so stupid leaving them behind, but I can't stay here, I can't be with her. I'm going to miss her so much, the evenings we spent together laying over our favorite tree near the church, how her hands were so soft holding mine, her sweet laughter.  I plan to take the bus to town. I don't have any money, but since mother died, he sleeps early because of the heavy drinking. I'll take the money he keeps in the old shoebox next to my mother's belongings. Every day he comes home after working in the field throws himself on the stinking couch, takes off his boots, and takes the stupid dam bottle he keeps nearby. I only know he's home because I hear the priest yelling through the TV. Every night the same scene, a blue light coming from the TV, lighting up the whole room, my father and what's left of him. I don't remember that strange body, his hair, once cut and combed, now long and greasy. The beard he shaved in the morning grew non-stop. I don't know who this figure is, but it's not my father. I'll wait, never sleep before my father, not after what he tried to do the other night, he is just like Father Loyd.

✽✽✽

Dear Diary,

I had the strangest dream, I do not know if it was due to my discomfort, but this sitting bus was not made for long rides or sleeping. My back and my head hurts,  I had forgotten to take food with me, but I escaped. He did not hear anything, it all happened so fast. I dreamed of a beautiful forest, it was dark, and tall trees showed me the way. The night was starless, no moon was in sight. I saw a glimmer of light and decided to go there. In all my life I have never seen anything so beautiful, I was not afraid, it was a familiar feeling. Behind the trees, in a glade. She was dancing in the fire. Barefoot, she stepped on the glowing coals, laughing when the wood creaked in the flames. Red covered her face, forming ghostly shapes, she was beautiful. Long hair, but the flames could not catch it, she danced as if she were the fire. And then I woke up. Who was that woman?