But Then I Fell in Love

Chapter Twenty-One

The next day, all of Yoongi's friends (except for Seokjin, who insisted on staying with Yoongi) sat in the courtroom on the prosecutor's side. Namjoon and Jimin would be testifying, and Jungkook was a special witness that they may or may not call to give his account of the events the day he'd overheard the abuse.

After a couple of hours and many testimonies, a TV was rolled into the courtroom and hooked up to a laptop. Chul watched curiously, wondering what was going on. A few moments later, Yoongi's face appeared on the TV screen, and Chul's eyes widened.

"Hello, Mr. Min. Can you hear us?" the judge asked.

"Yes, ma'am," Yoongi replied.

From the other side of the camera, Yoongi could see Chul's face. He looked terrified, and Yoongi couldn't help but feel vindicated. Finally, it was Chul's turn to be scared.

"Are you feeling up to answering a few questions, Mr. Min?"

"Yes," Yoongi answered. "I've been cleared by the doctor to be able to have the ability and wherewithal to testify."

"Great," the judge replied. "We're all glad you're doing so much better."

Chul didn't look glad, however. He was under the impression that Yoongi still hadn't woken up. He'd thought he'd be off the hook for most of his crimes, but now his whole plan had fallen apart.

Yoongi's testimony lasted nearly an hour. He stayed composed, even as Chul's attorney cross-examined him. He didn't get emotional, and was very matter-of-fact in his honesty. The jury, though, was deeply moved by his story. Many of them gasped and even teared up as Yoongi spoke. By the time his testimony was over, Yoongi could see it on Chul's face that he knew he was screwed.

"Mr. Min, you have the opportunity to give a victim's statement if you'd like. Court is about to adjourn for today, but would you like to give a statement tomorrow? You may directly address Mr. Lee, or you may simply say how you were affected by the charges against him."

Yoongi looked directly at Chul through the camera. Chul's eyes narrowed in the same way they used to when he was trying to scare Yoongi into obedience.

"Yes, ma'am. I'd like to give a statement."

-

Yoongi spent that evening writing his victim statement. He didn't read it to any of his friends. It was very personal, and he didn't feel a need to run it by anyone. He was happy with it the way it was. He didn't want anyone else's opinion on it for the time being.

The next day, both the prosecution and defense rested, and there was nothing left to do before the jury deliberated except have Yoongi read his statement.

Yoongi again looked directly at Chul through the camera, and only ever broke eye contact to look down at what he'd written every once in awhile.

"I used to think that being vulnerable meant being weak. I hated the thought of being vulnerable. I considered myself tough, so the idea of being weak was unacceptable.

But then I fell in love.

And suddenly, being vulnerable didn't seem so bad. I wanted to share every part of myself with the one I loved. And that meant opening up parts of my heart and soul that I had previously guarded. And it was liberating. Because love was a great feeling. To be in love and to be loved; it was wonderful.

It should have been a red flag that the first time you told me you loved me was also the first time you abused me. But I was blinded; the abuse took a back seat to love. And that's how it started. I began subconsciously equating abuse and love. I began believing I had to take the bad in order to get the good. And I was so in love that I was willing to do that.

In retrospect, I realize now that you never loved me. Telling me you did was simply a way to control me. When I fell for you, I fell for your lies; hook, line and sinker. And when I finally had to come to terms with that, I almost gave up completely.

My friends got me through. The same friends you isolated me from. Luckily, they never gave up on me, even when I stopped seeing and even talking to them. You made me choose between them and you. And of course I chose you; I loved you, after all. But this was another way you controlled me.

I've been told that abuse is less about hurting someone and more about control. I believe that. You wanted me all to yourself. And not because you loved me, but because you wanted a plaything; something you could treat however you wanted and feel strong because you could dominate it. That's all I ever was to you; an object to do with as you pleased.

But I'm not an object, Chul. I'm a human being, with feelings and flesh and bones - all things you tore apart. You beat me and raped me, and ruined my spirit. You confused me and isolated me and convinced me I was trash. And I endured it all in the name of love. And it was very hard to accept that it was a love that wasn't even real.

One would think I'd go back to the way I was; a tough, guarded exterior that never wanted to be vulnerable. But I've since been told that being vulnerable is normal when you're in love. And despite everything I've been through, I still believe that.

Because I will fall in love again. I will allow myself to find someone who will break down the walls I've built because of you in a healthy and truly loving way. And you'll be all alone. Was the way you treated me and the things you did worth it in the end?

I didn't need to talk to you today. I've already moved on. But I did because I wanted you to know that despite it being the opposite of all you ever wanted for me, I'm doing well, I'm happy and I'm content.

And I'm not scared of you anymore."