chelsea

saint

January is the month that I always hoped for every year. It isn't a holiday or an event that needs to be held on that day. It is a special day for me to meet a boy. No, we aren't in love. This is just how things work for us. We would meet in the new year and kiss till our lips become sore. We would fuck like animals and scream that we don't care that others would bang at our door in the middle of the night. He is 3 years older than me and has a petite girlfriend back home, but he still manages to meet me every January.

He was fixing something from his bag as I look out at him,

He notices it, " I know, I look attractive. Don't look at me like that"

" How's your lover?"

" Girlfriend. She's fine. We fucked twice a week and she knows how to take care of me. She's really beautiful-"

" Is she good in bed?" He stops rummaging through his suitcase and stops for a moment to think. He shifts his look at me and shrugs his shoulders. " She' s average but she had this weird thing when I try to persuade her into fucking in public. She hates it. I mean she's a basic girl-" " Am I better?"

" No. As long as you girls made me come, that's all that it matters" He continued his thing as I burst out of laughter. I coughed up to stop myself from laughing and bit my bottom lip. He pulls something from his bag, it was a charger cord, and walks to the other side of the room to charge his phone. Out of the blue, I felt this surfacing guilt all over me. We have been doing this for quite a time. There used to be us.

Till both of us perished in that unconditional love. I still do, for years despite being the side chick now. The way he talks is so soft and his lips touch my skin just give me this vibe that an angel's dying to God just so he could be with a mortal. Or the way Achilles mourns the death of his beloved Patroclus and that he wished to lay his ashes together with him. He had these words so soothing whenever we fuck and the after of it all, he tends to whisper our sweet callings which are "Sobra"

Sobra is never the same as the value of I love you's or 143. For us, it meant for all eternity that whatever happens. He and I will always be forever interconnected on the other side of the universe. But despite saying that sacred word to me, the way he envisions or speaks about that woman is so different. His eyes sparkled 100x when he first met me. I could feel the calmness in his structure as he softly said things about her.

He long ago ended me. Us.

" Let's stop this. Marry her and have children."

He stopped what he was doing and slightly tilted his head to the side to see a clear view of me. " Are you willing to move on from me?"

" How could I move on when we still do this?"

" You forced me into it" I felt a horrendous calamity rush over my being. The way he said it was like I manipulated him to be with me. The way he looked at me was pity and greed. Lust. That's what he does to me, giving me emotional shit when I'm after all the Achilles who fought for his lover throughout the Trojan war. " Fuck you! Fuck you! How dare you say that to me?!"

" You know for a fact that I have moved on. "

" You have a fucking choice to never meet me in the first place! Why, oh why! Did you have to make me feel like a piece of shit when In fact all I did was ever love you. I- I-I" I couldn't process my own thoughts for the voices of whoever that is circled around my head. I could feel my head being pounded by a hammer that could kill hundreds of giants. " Calm down and just listen to me-" That's the way how it goes, his words that soothe the fuck out of me that immediately my body gives in for. I fought back, pushing his hands away from me, and he fought back. Forcing himself in me like wrapping his arms around me but I scratch his face and pinch his skin off. Despite the struggle, he kisses my cheeks and whispers, " Sobra, I'll always Sobra you forever in my endeavors"

" Fuck off"

" You remember the time we both part way, 'I told myself when I see you again. I'll never leave you in my arms again. In whatever your problems and sacrifices, I'll always stay by your side."

And that hit me rock bottom. I cried out, " Just tell me that you have no intention of being with me- please"

" I fucking do! I'm just so scared to be with you-"

" Oh because I cheated back then! What is this all about?!! I never did left you behind"

" You stayed but you crumpled my trust. Look what made you pursed me, I'm cheating with my ex despite that I have someone back home who is waiting for me"

" Sobra?! Really? You really Sobra me? And you have the audacity to fucking cut me about trust. In the end, we are both fucking the same" Slowly his grip left my skin and I immediately stand up and look back at him as my tears continue to flow. Naked, I'm naked and so was he but all I could see at that moment was his face crying as well. " I can't dare to see you with someone that will hurt you-"

" What the actual fuck are you talking about?! You are hurting me! This pretending shit that I told you before that I never want you to do. It makes me hate you so much! God, Why do you have to make me suffer like this?! You know what I've been through. You know I have the capability of killing myself. You are afraid-"

" YES! I AM!" He stood up and was about to walk towards me but he stopped instead. I gripped upon my hair and scratched my head to stop myself from thinking. It was making it hard to breathe and sometimes, I could hyperventilate. As my breathing became harder that I could not speak and I started to smack my chest. " Stop doing that!" He yelled out, grabbed me by my arm, and forced me down to bed. I struggled and forced myself out of his touch but all he did was accept my beatings and told me to breathe calmly. Tears streamed down and his face looking down at me like I was dead made me realize that phase.

He still does love me.

I'm too broken. That I could no longer accept his entrance. Slowly his voice returned to me as he says, "Breathe in, Breath out" He slowly leans in towards my face and whispered those words again. My mind went blank as if white, all I could hear was his whispers and my breathing that gradually went back to its normal state. I've been having panic attacks since I stopped going to my therapist. I feel as if my life is so shitty and saying it to other people will make their lives shittier. That's why I leave them all behind and suffer in silence for silence is the only one that does not hurt me. " I can never leave you" He tears drops at mine as he wails like a baby.

"I thought you were better"

" I stopped going...to the doctor"

" Why?"

" It didn't give me any meaning'

" Since when?'

" Nothing has meant to me since the day I was born. I've been searching so damn long that in the process, I hurt people like I've hurt myself. I-I...I'm truly tired and all I'm asking is for you to leave me be. Go out and be free, do what you want. Fuck others, have children, be wealthy, and do what makes you you. But a little favor, never talk about me. Don't remember me. Forget about me. Leave these memories here with me and don't ever contact or see me again. I'm begging you, I'll miss you but if this is the way for me to accept the baggage. Then let this be our fate"

" Are you tired of me? I-I-I sobra- I'm going to leave my girlfriend. Stay with you and-and I-"

" I'm tired of myself. This isn't love, you are pitying me. You are afraid of what comes next, and so am I. I'm dying deep inside and it is hard for me to wake up every day to be sunken in the reality of myself being dead a long time ago. I love you, will always do. Whatever happens in this world, I'll never forget you. You are the only one that will be forever in my core and that is somewhat helping me alive, but leave me be. We have ended and so you must move on and so as I"

" Promise me I'll see you again"

" I can never promise in this time"

I wipe his tears as he closes his eyes at my touch. He nodded and proceeded to kiss my hand, " Say it one more time"

" Sobra"

He hummed at my tone and leaned in so close that our nose touched. He gently opened his eyes and fixed it for a while. " Sobra" He said and kissed my forehead tenderly so that I could feel his forever being marked down. My eyes sunken down as his touch disappeared....

Later that evening, he left me and I never saw him ever again.