Sick

People use the word "sick" in many different ways. Some use it when a friend or loved one is dying. Some use it when they mean they're not feeling good. Some even use it as another meaning for saying "awesome." But me? Well, if you ask my family and friends you would get many different answers, so Im kind of all of them.

Sick is the only constant thing I have ever really known about myself my whole life. I have made friends and lost friends along the way, due to always being sick. I have a ton of family, some I see all the time, and some friends, but even when I see them I feel like a glass window that they just look right through as if non-existent. I have felt like this since I was a child. I feel like a fragile porcelain doll that they're afraid to touch because they don't want to break it. I can be in a crowd of 2,000 people and feel like Im the only one in entire universe.

I have over 30 different medications, most of which I have been on since I was a child, and they have helped me keep this side of myself hidden from the world for so long, but I feel like there's something starting to chip away at the wall that I have built to keep these two sides separated. I take my medications every single day like clockwork, and yet I still stay sick and have to stay in bed for weeks at a time. A lot of the time I isolate myself from my family and friends when I get sick, sometimes because I have to so nobody else gets sick and sometimes because I just feel like I need to be alone to be able to actually focus on getting better, and then when I start feeling better I try to reach out and explain. But, then it just feels like Im making up excuses, so I hesitate and think about what their responses will be and start getting anxious.

I know keeping to myself for long periods of time isn't what my family and friends want me to do, but I know that I have to do what's right to be able to take care of myself. I never mean to make anyone worry about me, and I never expect to just suddenly drop off the face of the earth, but it just keeps happening over and over again and I wish I could ease everyone's fears about me. I hate to see anyone suffering, especially if it's caused by worrying about me.

I have a very complicated life, and an even more complicated history, and it's hard for me to open up about how I'm really feeling on a day to day basis. It's even harder for me to open up about how I'm feeling when I'm sick. That may be because of all of the doctors, hospitals, medications, misdiagnosis', etc. But, I am trying my best to work towards opening up more to the people that I love and that I know love and support me. I just need time, and patience, and for them to not give up faith in me just yet.