Things are different this year to me. With the lingering feeling of the shadow of death coming closer, it feels like it's the last time I'll be experiencing Christmas. I don't know if I'll make it to 23 next year September.
We usually have a close circle family Christmas and there's so many laughs and good times but I have to put on a face, if I sat there and really showed how I was feeling id ruin the day.
I'm excited to see my mom though, she lives 4 hours away so I don't get to see her physically much, I hope she can visit me when I'm inpatient. Inpatient is also terrifying me alot. I'm not ready, but that's what certification is for, it's not my decision on when I leave once I'm in until the docs think I'm good to move back to the outside world.
I don't want to stop though. I can't and don't want to. My eating disorder is who I am.
It's starting to get on my nerves when people stare at me to measure what I eat. Or there's my sister who also has an ED but she doesn't pig out like I do and gain a whole bunch. She will be all perfect and I'll be the piggy. I hate that she's better at this than I am. I can't have a single thing special about me... I'm nothing.
Not sure if Ive talked about Emma yet.. I met her last time I was inpatient. She was the first person who made me believe I still had a heart somewhere In my hollow chest. The first in over 5 or more years at that point to make me love again. I wanted to be hers and have her as mine. But I felt like I couldn't because we were both going to end up hurting because I'd wanna help her and she would wanna help me and neither of us could promise recovery, recovery isn't planned, there is no predicting what it'll do. I should have just gone for it though, only if it lasted for a short time. I should have loved her more.
She may be gone now, or recovered, I have no idea. It will eat me alive to not know.
So yeah, this Xmas is different.
Who wants to hear I'll be inpatient instead of going into a job program? I can't be myself around them. They will be in the moment, I'll be behind glass in my head, with all this horrible noise. I don't know if I can ever be myself with anyone.. I don't even think there is a self.
How do you smile and chew and smile and chew and talk and laugh when all I can think about is how paralyzed I am the whole time.
It's not Xmas, it's part of the last days I'll have any normalcy for a very long time.
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Before I die
PoetryHi, you can call me GKD. I'm a 22 yr old male and I'm struggling to hold on these days. I honestly feel like I'm dying soon, I can just feel it. So I wanted to put my words somewhere. Maybe in my pain while the comforting arms of death get closer, y...
