Life of Death

The year

This year has been a crazy roller-coaster of a year. I've had a lot of lows but also some highs. I've had some of the lowest lows I've ever had but I've also had the most support I've ever had.

Last year I finally saw a psychologist for the first time in my life. It was long overdue. I really should have been seeing someone since year 7 but I was never able to help myself in that way and no one around me would help either.
I got diagnosed with depression (no surprise there)...
And anxiety (also no surprise)...
And autism (more surprising)...
And ADHD (even more surprising)...

At the start of this year I got approved for NDIS. This meant I got a lot of supports which I didn't know what to do with. I'd always been an independent person. I looked after myself because no one else did. I was all I had. So learning to accept help and support from all these professionals was difficult.

I thought I was doing ok but one night something just happened. I don't remember planning it. I barely remember doing it. I don't even remember having those feelings in the days leading up to it but I finally did it. I tried to kill myself. Obviously I've been suicidal in the past but I thought I was ok. I didn't expect it and I certainly didn't plan it but I tried to overdose and ended up being rushed to emergency in an ambulance.

The following weeks and months were difficult. The feelings just kept getting worse. I couldn't ignore them anymore. I started burning myself, I struggled to work or even get up most mornings, I wasn't eating well and I had the constant thoughts and feelings telling me I should kill myself.

On top of that I completely stopped eating to the point where I hadn't eaten anything for 2 weeks and was getting dizzy everytime I stood up. But it was fine because I was losing weight and the other thoughts seemed to get a little bit quieter when I was starving myself.
But this ended up with me being admitted to an acute psychiatric hospital for just over a week. This was the week before Christmas. This leads me to where I am now...
Still having the bad thoughts telling me I should kill myself. But I'm too weak to do it. I don't have the medication to try and overdose again and anything else just seems too hard or inaccessible. I don't want to be here anymore. Everyday feels like too much of a struggle. I just want to stop existing and be gone but I'm too weak and useless to even do that.

So here I am...summarising what has probably been the hardest year of my life. So many low lows. But at least I had support... right?