Life of Death

Waiting

The worst part about telling someone you self harm is the waiting. Waiting for there reaction to know how their perception of you has changed. I've never actually told anyone I self harm, I've wanted to but I always get scared. People find out by accident or I give them clues and hints. This was probably worse than if I'd just told them in the first place but what's done is done.

In year 7, I had some cuts on my leg but I forgot that I had sport that day and that I had to wear shorts. A lot of people in my class found out that day and a lot of them I didn't want to know. I got a lot of mixed reactions; anger, disbelief, sadness, compassion. The best was from a girl in my class who I won't name. She came up to me, gave me a hug, gently told me she didn't want me hurting myself and made me promise to stop.
I tried but I couldn't, I couldn't stop and I couldn't tell her the truth. She kept on checking, asking if I'd done it, if I'd kept my promise. It was hard to lie to her but it was harder to tell the truth. Eventually she was satisfied that I'd stopped and she gave up checking. It wasn't until year 9 that she found out I was still doing it. She still thought I'd stopped and I didn't have the heart or the guts to tell her I hadn't. She is such a nice person and to this day probably the nicest person I know.

In year 9 I made a heap of new friends, most of them boys. There was one particular person that I got to know better than the rest. At first we were just friends but then beyond my powers I started to like him. He was really sweet and kind but quite self judging. I managed to convince him that the cuts and scars on my arms were from my dog and he believed me...for a while. There was one day when I started having a mental breakdown in class and I was talking about suicide a lot. Later that day we were talking and he put the pieces together. He didn't really say much about it and it made me worried. I still don't know what he thinks about it. He said he wants me to stop but so does everyone else and I'm sure a lot of them are lying. I hope one day I will find out what he really thinks but until then I will have to live off what small reactions he gave me.