Made For Each Other ~ B.E

4

     A V I A N A

I just finished packing everything I need for Billie's concert, really it's just some lip stuff, gum, money, and my phone. I swear people enter concerts thinking that it'll last an entire three days. Anyway, I got into my car and started heading to the stadium. It's 5am and I'm trying to get their fast, front row is a must. Standing in the back of a bunch of smelly, sweaty human beings is an absolute nightmare that I don't want to face again.

Following the directions on my phone, surprisingly, the stadium isn't as far as I thought it would be. Four hours, not bad. If I'm going to be honest, I'm jumping with excitement inside my stomach, but choosing to save all of my energy for the concert. What I am a little worried about it the fact that I might just go crazy whilst driving, not that cars aren't oftenly on the road, sometimes the sight of seeing so many can really make my heart pound but I'm trying not to think about it too much. To distract myself, I put on music loudly enough to shut up my mind from running thoughts of all the bad things that could possibly happen.

Man, do I love me some Frank Ocean. I mean honestly, if you've never heard the name we just couldn't be friends, not even aquatints.

      B   I L   L   I E

"Hey Finn, when is mom and dad arriving at the show again?" I called out to my brother, we're currently back stage. "Finn?" I called out again after a few seconds of silence. Groaning, my feet touched the floor as I got up from the couch of the green room, and opened the door. He was bobbing his head to some music, headphones in his ears. I lightly tapped his shoulder, making him take an ear peace out to let me know I have his attention.

"When is mom and dad coming to the show again?" I asked, once again. "Just in a few minutes," he replied and I nodded, sound-check was over about an hour ago and my show is about to start. Walking back to the green room, I started to do my little work out.

A couple of jumps in place, lunges, stretching  out my legs and arms, neck. I'm so happy with how I changed over the years, taking much better care of myself and my body. When I was younger, practically every show I sprained an ankle. It was never a time to where my feet weren't hurting, no time for them to fully heal before sprained again.

I realized, all of this pain I was going through and thinking about my future, how I was going to live, if I was...

All of it made me so weak, and hormones as a girl especially as a teenager makes it worse if you're going through so much. I fell in love with people too fast because I wanted to know what it was like to actually be liked by someone who doesn't only want me because of my fame, but for me. Just me.

I was all physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. Asleep all the time, hungry all the time, not that humans don't sleep and eat but it was an unregulated amount. I thought that I was going insane, and I wanted people to see that. Not for attention at all but a small ask if I'm okay, with a deep meaning and explanation behind it.

I think about this often, actually. And it's sad, always. I mean I almost killed myself, from doing shows even though my body was broken and just because I was so tired of life, that I wanted to end it. 'No more suffering' I thought.

Thanks to my mother, I'm alive. She pretty much helped me realize that as depressed as I was, there was still so much hope for me, that I still have something to unlock but struggle to find the key because that's practically life, you're born and you live, you have struggles because that's how you learn. And during that moment in Berlin, when I thought of all of this, I also realized that I'm not just living for myself.