A Trans Human's Nonsensical Thoughts

What's my name?

Honestly, I don't really know. Here's the thing, I've never felt connected to my name, nor have I felt much of a connection to names I've considered changing mine to. I've never exactly thought of my name as a huge part of my identity. When I was little I hated my name, but I got over it... for a long time. I don't hate my name like I used to; it just doesn't always sound right. I don't hear it often, so it's hard to tell. Sometimes my name sounds a little too feminine in my head, like it's not really me. That's the weird thing about language, names are just these jumbles of letters we collectively decide to use to refer to certain people. It's pretty strange, but kind of neat at the same time.

When I think about a new name, I tend to think of things that aren't usually names. Words. There's a bit of a stereotype around nonbinary people having odd names that are nouns; although it's always sounded cool to me, I didn't understand why at first. I put some thought into it, and a name no one's ever used... hard to gender that, am I right? It's quite appealing, actually. It's a shame we can't all just have no name... or loads of names (I'd take either, honestly). That would get rid of the whole problem. If I did change my name I wouldn't care if people called me my birthname, I've just gotten kind of tired of hearing it my whole life.

I've thought of a few names I like. The one I've considered the most is Arson. Yes, it's a literal felony, but it sounds pretty cool and it's unique. I've been thinking about changing my name to that for a few months. I've also thought about Cypher, which I like, but I haven't put much thought into it. I only came up with it the other day, with some other names I've thought about. I like the sound of some names that are a bit more nature-focused, like Aspen. I've considered Ash or Asher. I like those, very gender neutral. Archer sounds okay too, but I'm pretty sure it's not the name for me. I find myself leaning towards a lot of names starting with the letter A; I'm not sure why.