My Alters- Dissociative Identity Disorder

2023

Hi everyone, so its been 2 years now. I'm 18 at uni and i don't even know if this will even be read. But i thought i'd give an update. So here goes, i've been officially diagnosed with fibromyalgia, POTS and other physical medical conditions which could explain some of the brain fog and forgetfulness i was experiencing and assuming was DID. I would like to again apologise for the upset i caused to many people in my personal life and those who really connected with the alters i thought i had throughout this book. I have been on a long journey of self discovery and mental health and still haven't got any final details but i have had two more serious run-ins with believing i have DID since 2021. I experience hallucinations and delusions and have decided this must be a delusion i have because even to this day i will sometimes get a feeling of "i am not myself" and start to slip back into that mindset of believing i have DID again. But i wanted to explain a little bit into more depth the reasonings behind why i thought i had DID.

So my ex girlfriend claimed she had DID, to this day i still do not know if this is true or not so i will say it is as i would never want to fake claim someone. And we got into a poly relationship with someone else who also claimed to have DID. So being bombarded by all these things that these two people were experiencing made me start to overanalyse my own symptoms which im sure probably contributed in some way. I was very fragile during these times due to at-home difficulties and personal struggles so i think over time i started to adapt to them and convince myself i also had this condition. After we broke up i was completely broken and brought to nothing and all i had left was these people in my head, and i know it sounds silly but i wasnt alone with them and they seemed to be helping me through my difficulties. I was in a time of desperation and despair as it was around this time my physical health was also acting up. I believed that i had this condition and the alters were real, they felt real at least. But after i started to heal through things i slowly felt weird when an "alter" was fronting, and gradually little by little i started to recognise myself more and more every time "someone else" was in control. It got to a point where i hated "switching" because i felt like i was pretending to be someone else which i guess in a harsh reality kind of way i was. So it was around this time i realised that i was wrong all along, and that really hurt me because not only did i feel all the guilt imaginable from having lied to everyone. And i seriously mean EVERYONE, i was so convinced i was literally trying to get diagnosis from my GP and told my school and everything because i genuinely and wholeheartedly believed i had this condition. 

As soon as i realised this i told everyone because i didn't want to continue lying to them and most importantly myself. However this didn't stop me from feeling incredible loss because i felt like a whole year, maybe more, of my life was wasted and all the connections to these alters was just gone. I was on my own again. And that felt like a whole new weight on my shoulders, since this i have been to multiple therapies and counselling but still haven't got a conclusion to the whirlwind of confusion that is my mind. The reasoning behind one of the times i got pulled back in to the delusion was because i started to spend time (as a friend) with the ex girlfriend who first ever introduced it to me and she didn't know of the realisation i had so i think in an attempt to protect myself i went PLUMMETING straight back to how i was. This, accompanied with her still talking about her alters and DID, definitely contributed to the first "relapse" i had back into the mindset. It was after this that i realised it might have been a delusion, i researched into delusions and found that it is possible to believe you have a mental condition so this could be a possibility. Luckily at the time i had a new partner who was not associated with any of this past, he knew of what had happened but did not experience any of it until this "relapse" so although it lasted a few days it was a lot shorter than it could have been. After this episode i broke down again, even worse than the first time and would just like some closure on the whole situation which i am still actively seeking in professional ways.

So currently i have looked into both BPD (borderline personality disorder) and bipolar disorder and recognised that i have symptoms from both of these conditions but will not state that i have either unless professionals have diagnosed me as i wouldn't want to be wrong again. So just to clarify i do not have DID, and i was wrong. I will admit that with a heavy heart but not because i don't like having made a mistake, but because of the pain i caused people and the loss i felt. I'm human and i make mistakes same as anyone else but that definitely does not take away from anyone who does suffer with this condition. It is life altering and really difficult for the sufferers, and although i never truly experienced it like i thought i had, the hours upon hours of research i did really showed and proved to me that i should be happy i don't have it because those who do have some real strength. Those who have DID are so brave and strong and for that i am proud of them, i am strong but for other reasons. Personally i believe that everyone in this universe is strong and we are all living life for the first time so lets make mistakes, own up to them, make some more and learn. 

To anyone reading this, believe in yourselves because i believe in you and your future. May you have happy, healthy lives where you continue to grow from mistakes because after all that's what us humans do. None of us know the correct way to live because there is no "correct" way to live, there is only us and the world. So lets keep being human and enjoy it. Good luck <3