Tiptoeing towards love

35

Parthiban

Mozhi and I attained our house in the Village a while ago. She was sleepy and thus dozed off in the room situated upstairs as soon as her body met the mattress. On the other hand, I felt a little off and sat at the slanting chair near the window that let me gaze at the humongous and greeny trees along with the murky sky painted with twinkling stars.

The lighting in the room was dimmed with only the zero walt bulb providing a light yellow shade luminescence. It was quiet.

I wouldn't say that it's a comforting one. But rather a haunting one as it gave chance to the thoughts clouding my mind to dominate my mood.

Would she choose me still? My eyes land on her face and I longingly watch her as she sleeps peacefully.

She is beautiful, alike the moon and she would become more pretty with the years to come. But what about me? I'm getting older. What If she feels odd to be with me? What If her mind suggests her to choose a young man?

I trust her, I know she loves me but she's still growing and her choices may alter. A selfish part of me doesn't want her to mature, scared that she would love me any less or leave my side. But then again, it is something inevitable. I would have to face it someday.

She forced me into this marriage and made me fall for her. What's my fault in this? Why am I the one being hurt? If I hadn't married her, she would have been dead by now. She was a stubborn and immature girl who cured and punctured my heart at the same time with her love.

What am I supposed to do now?

What will I be If she leaves me? Why did I even let myself be submerged in her when our future was completely uncertain? But then again, in that hard phase of her life, I couldn't let her suffer and couldn't stop caring for her which eventually turned into love that feels so good yet is capable of giving the unbearable anguish.

Running a hand through my hair, I saunter towards the luggage and take out the cigarette container and lighter. Liting up one, I place it between my lips and walk to the unlocked window to puff out the smoke...

Seconds later, I heed a stern voice, belonging to none other than my Mozhi.

"Smoking is harmful to your lungs mama!" Clutching the burning cigarette between my fingers, I turn to her with my eyebrows quirked.

She frowns as I don't throw it out and storms towards me indignantly. She tries to get hold of the cigarette but I lift it in the air, causing her to huff at me before she starts to jump in front of me, rubbing her bosoms on my face in the process.

"I'm throwing it out, calm down," I say as I band my hands around her waist and toss the cigarette out the window. "Do not ever smoke again, understood!? It is injurious to your health and it's neither cool nor is a decent means to reduce your stress!" She utters fiercely while I enticingly gawk at her countenance.

The bubbly self of her that I always used to condescend as immature has vanished away. When she was young, it seemed to be an obstacle in our relationship to me and now when she's not so young anymore, it still bothers me.

At this point, I think I was the problem all along.

"Mama, where are you!?" She pokes at my cheeks and I blink back to reality.
"Enna?" (What?) I ask her in an irritated tone as my mood becomes sour with the distasteful thoughts swirling in my head.

"Why did you smoke mama?" She cups one of my cheeks and I carelessly lean in her soft touch.

"I'm distressed," I mutter while placing a kiss on her palm. "And so? Why do you resort to smoke instead of coming to me? Do not ever smoke again mama. It is unhealthy and it is disgusting," she says with an bitter expression.

"Disgusting...there's a chance you might find me disgusting in a few years even when I don't smoke," her face changes to an perplexed one and she keeps on staring at me.

"Why?" Is all that she asks. Chuckling, I retract my hands from around her and turn my back to her, facing the leaves-bearing trees that sway to the direction the breeze blows.

Folding my hands against my chest, I silently watch the scenario. "Mama, what is wrong?" She pops beside me and looks up at me, concerned.

"Nothing Mozhi ma, do not worry," she gulps and touches my arm. "I am not sure what exactly you are referring to. But why will I find you disgusting in a few years? Because you age? Everyone gets old mama. It's natural. And In that context, would you find me ugly too when I become older?" I look down at her, dubiously.

"No," she smiles at my reply.

"Why don't you?" She questions gently and lifts her eyebrows, awaiting my response.

"Because I love you," I tell her the obvious. "I love you as well mama. It's simple as that," I hiss at her logic.

"It's not as easy as it sounds Mozhi ma...you might change," she smiles, sadly. "That's just your assumption mama, but I'm quite disheartened by your lack of trust in my love and my character...If you knew me well, you would have known that I'm not a person to leave the one I love for merely his looks..." She points her fingers to my face.

"But I understand you and I'm fine waiting for you mama. Do not feed into those insecurities mama. Often, it's our own thoughts that kill our happiness and peace," she kisses my arm and perks up at me. "Trust in me, I will not hurt you...mama," her voice breaks and I swiftly cup her cheeks with my hands.

Her words make sense. Was I just overthinking everything?

"Sorry, I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you and I guess that drove me speculating of all the possibilities that would make you leave me," she grips my wrist and kisses my palm.

"I know mama and that is why I'm not angry at you," she smiles slightly and I embrace her tightly within my chest.

And I swore to never doubt our love again.