The artist and his muse (Namkook)

Chapter 8: Still Life

It was 4 in the morning when Jungkook opened his eyes to an empty bed. Checking the room around by raising his head a little, he couldn't spot the man he slept in arms of. Removing the blanket he stepped down to follow the direction of a faint light coming from one of the rooms across the master bedroom.

The sound caused by the friction of a pencil tip with an abrasive paper was echoing in the corridor and it got louder as he reached the door of the lighted room. A shirtless man was seen doing something by the lampshade. Jungkook stood behind him to witness a surprising sight.

Namjoon was sketching a figure that resembled Jungkook. The younger wrapped his arms around the man's neck from behind and placed a kiss on his cheek to gain his attention.

"You woke up?"
"Was feeling cold."

Namjoon placed the sketch book and the pencil on the side table and pulled the younger in his lap. Although Jungkook was wearing a light t-shirt and Namjoon was shirtless, there was a warmth they both could feel when their bodies touched. The elder captured his favourite pair of lips for a kiss while kneading the muscle on Jungkook's lower back. Jungkook moaned loudly in the kiss, but they could reach to the most intense step, Jungkook backed away.

"I want to see the sketch you were drawing."
Namjoon couldn't deny to that heavenly face that was embellished with a pair of reddish lips whose colour turned darker due to the heated kiss, the expressive eyes and the butterball cheeks. He just signalled him to see the book himself after which Jungkook picked up the hard bound sketch book from the table.

Eyes, lips, nose, face, hands, fingers, feet, torso, waist and sometimes the entire body. Jungkook has never found himself more well depicted through sketches. He always wanted to have a portrait of himself, just like the ones in the fair booths, but how could someone draw this flawlessly with just a charcoal pencil!

Jungkook's jaw dropped at the sketches. Namjoon is known for his incredible colourful brush strokes of oil colour, but this was completely out of that zone. He remembers the elder once mentioned about his knack for pencil sketch, but he never assumed the knack was actually a strong suit of the successful artist.

"Why is there only my sketches, hyung?" He asked turning page after page sitting on the man's lap.
"That's a secret between me and my muse." Namjoon replied after pecking the younger's nape.
"Muse? What is muse?"
"An inspiration, someone who inspire me to draw."
"Who is that?"
"For me it's Jungkook!"

Jungkook turned around without shifting from his place.
"Me?"
"I know only one person with that name."
"But how did I inspire you? You have been painting since years now." How come a boy he met just few months ago could be his muse, this was really questionable to the intern.

"I have been painting since I was a kid, Jungkook. As I told you earlier, I loved pencil sketches more as they speak more through simple black and grey shades. But, I stopped it years ago when I was drawn towards darkness. I was so drowned in the addiction of poison that I forgot about happiness. I just painted to earn money, not from my soul. Even though I started painting with full concentration after my journey of rehabilitation, I could never go back to pick up the pencil."

"What drove you to that path, hyung?"
"Loneliness, feeling unloved! I just wanted to hold onto something to deal with every melancholic feeling."

Jungkook cupped Namjoon's face with his palms and pulled him down for a kiss that continued for several minutes. He could feel the elder's hands on his waist under the t-shirt.

"You shouldn't stop doing what you like."
"Two months ago when you entered my studio, I felt like I could dream again, Jungkook. I know I might be sounding crazy right now."
"Aren't all the artists crazy?" Jungkook giggled out after raising the question.
"I know I am! I just felt an undesirable connection with you that made me try to bring out that old set of pencils from the unused cupboard section again."
"So if I am your muse, you will paint my portrait?"
"Do you want me to?"
"Just like Jack did for Rose! No!"

Jungkook's excitement suddenly converted to a fit of sulk. Namjoon raised up his chin with an index finger to look him in the eyes.
"What happened Jungkook?"
"Don't ever draw my picture, hyung. Rose and Jack never got their love. I don't want to-"

"I love you Jungkook."

Namjoon lost the control of his mouth and the inevitable sentence came out.

계속 전시되는 내 삶
그래도 삶 아직도 삶
과건 가버렸고 미랜 모르네
두 갈래길에서 숨 고르네
벗어나고 싶어 이 캔버스의 틀
어제와 내일이 내게 드리운 그늘
난 그저 담담하게 live errtime

- Kim Namjoon

My life that continues to be exhibited
But life is still life
The past has gone and future is unknown
I catch my breath at the crossroad
I want to escape this canvas frame
The shadow that yesterday and tomorrow cast over me
I'm just calm as I live errtime

Translation courtesy: https://bts-trans.tumblr.com

Even if Jungkook wouldn't accept the elder's love, Namjoon could never dissent from the truth. He was deeply in love with the cute intern that stirred the enthusiasm of following his passion after all these years. His body could be a still life, but his soul has escaped the boundary of the canvas frame to explore the vast universe of love and happiness.

"You cannot love me, hyung. You are a successful artist and I'm just an intern. If the company gets to know about us, both of us will be in trouble, especially you." Namjoon's blank expression defied his strength of accepting the rejection.

"I'll manage everything Jungkook. Just tell me if you feel the same about us." He pulled the younger closer by the waist.
"I cannot hyung. I just can't."

Jungkook has never been in a committed relationship. The boys he had been with just made him feel like a friend with benefits or one night stand, not a special person. He doesn't know how it feels to be loved as no one ever said those three magical words to him. But, he was scared to get hurt. He is not scared of being dejected or hurt, he is just scared of having Namjoon do that to him. Not realising he was doing the same to the elder, he asked something for the last time.

"Can you make love to me, hyung? Just for the last time, please!"

The muse who appeared like a still life in his sketch book, had become the source of liveliness in his life of sombreness. But maybe it was an alternate reality that the artist was living in for few days and it was time to get back to the undeniable reality.