The artist and his muse (Namkook)

Chapter 9: Lonely

The crinkled bed sheet will never be straightened. The room still smells like you. How can I move on! It's been 3 years now, why do I still feel you in every breath of mine, Jungkook?

A bunch of mugunghwa was billed under the name of Kim Namjoon. It wasn't purchased under the company label as it was the artist's personal choice. The painting wasn't supposed to be submitted for upcoming exhibition or auction, it would be painted in the artist's personal home studio and the canvas would be stored in the cupboard of his store room.

Since last 3 years Namjoon has been painting the mugunghwa bunch and keeping the work with himself. Neither the flowers nor the entire tree appear beautiful now, but still he hasn't stopped painting it. The purpose of it isn't to capture the enchanting flowers, it is just to make the use of the indigo colour which was brought to him by a pair of hands that he never wanted to let go. The colour reminds him of the intern he fell in love with.

Blank pages of sketch books were filled one after another with the alluring pictures of the person who only remained as a muse in his life. The undying urge to shower love and care on that lost person was providing him the energy to wake up every morning. His way of showing love was through the paintings and sketches, sometimes he would so wish to put a spell on the pictures to make them alive, but how could he?

********

"I'm not interested."
"30 minutes at a coffee shop won't kill you, Kook."
"Still the answer remains as a big NO."
"It's my brother in law's friend."
"I don't care how close he is to your brother in law, I am just not ready to date, noona." So-yoon has been bothering her brother way too much recently. She got married to her long time boyfriend last year and planning her younger brother to get married soon. She is not okay to witness his gloomy face days after days.

"It's been 3 years for heaven's sake! He might have been married by now."
"Did you read somewhere or any social media!" Jungkook's expression immediately changed from mundane to curious.
"As if! He's too secretive about his private life, else rumours about you and his relationship would have been all over the social media."

Jungkook took his bag and exited the room. He is now in final year of masters in Fine Arts  program and his focus has never been diverted to anything but academics. He has not dated anyone since he parted ways with Namjoon. It's not that he hasn't found anyone charming or kind, it's just that he has never even tried. The guys approached him in university were turned down, whenever So-yoon would try to set him up with someone he will react coldly and reject before even meeting the person.

********

"Jungkook, what's your plan for internship?"
"I don't know Iseul, what's yours?" Right now Iseul is Jungkook's closest friend with whom he has been going to university for almost last two years. He is an extrovert boy, just the opposite of his friend.
"I am planning for HIC academy."
"That's great! You should apply for it."
"I already did, just waiting for their response. You can apply too, the last date of submission is due next week."

Jungkook put his palm on the Daylight Academy form to cover the name. The application form has been roaming in his bag since days now, but he couldn't gather the courage to submit it. It was the same agency where he worked as an intern few years back and met someone who he had to walk away from although he wanted to walk beside the person for the rest of his life.

********

"Stop searching my apartment noona, you won't find anything."
"Namjoon-ah, I'm happy you are doing fine, but you can't just let your life be like this for the boy who didn't even think twice before rejecting you."
"He had his reasons and he is young."
"He should have thought about it before tolerating your advances."
"I knew Jae-joon hyung would tell you this. Such a downtrodden husband he is!"

A loud smack landed on the artist's bicep.
"Ouch!"
"Your Jae-joon hyung is well treated at home, it's just that I have warned him on the day of our wedding that if he keeps a single secret from me, he will have to eat cold stale kimbap for dinner for an entire week."
"And people claim him to be well treated!"
Another smack was received by the brother from his angry sister.

********

Jungkook would replay the moments he spent with Namjoon in his head whenever he missed him, which was nearly everyday. He tried to convince himself that letting go of Namjoon is the correct decision he made for himself and the artist, but his heart refused to agree. He cannot think of letting anyone be close to him just the way Namjoon was, he feels disgusted to imagine someone else touching him who isn't the artist who he unheedingly fell in love with.

"You love him, don't you?" Jungkook scanned the room but couldn't find anyone. The question was coming from his inner self.
"I never loved him, it was just attraction."
"Is it? Then why didn't you date anyone else in last 3 years?"
"I don't know, don't ask me anything, just go away!"

A loud shattering sound echoed the room and pieces of glass scattered on the floor along with deodorant bottle amidst all.

********

I tried a million times to let you go
So many memories are on the floor
And now I hate the cities I don't belong
Just wanna go back home

- Kim Namjoon

I hate everything that doesn't remind me of you, Jungkook. Nothing really makes sense anymore. No matter how much I try to let go of the past, my heart will always come back with your memories. The home doesn't feel home anymore as it lies with you.

I'm feeling too lonely Jungkook!