A New Dawn

Chapter 42 - Idris

I'm so fucking selfish, and I don't deserve to have Briar or her family in my life.

It's only been a few days since my parents threw me out, but it feels like I've been staying at Everett's house for years. The first morning I was here, Briar, Thera, and Marlowe immediately took me shopping for more clothes and anything else I might need. When we got home, Gareth and Everett had some Filipino dishes ready for lunch and dinner. I know they meant to make me feel better, but this only built up the dread settling on my chest. I'm sure they have other things to worry about. They don't have to worry about me on top of everything else.

And yet, they are worried about me. Otherwise, they wouldn't have gotten me a new phone with all their contact information already added in along with all the clothes. I try to shove it back in Briar's hand the moment she gives it to me, rambling that I absolutely cannot accept this from them when they're already doing so much for me. Briar doesn't say anything the entire time I talk. She just listens, and the more she does, the more I start to dissolve into tears until she holds and comforts me. I eventually fall asleep on her bed and wake up alone with the phone on the bedside table with texts from Briar, her family, and Marlowe telling me they'll be a call or text away if I ever need them.

I don't know if I deserve that from any of them. It feels like I have to earn it, so I try to do chores when I can, but everyone is always quick to tell me not to worry about it and shoo me away. That leaves me to keep to myself in case I bother any of them. The best way to do that is to be out of the house. The most they can do is text or call me, but even if I'm off somewhere trying not to cry my eyes out, I tell them I'm fine and will be back by nightfall. If I'm too much of a bother, they might kick me out, and I don't want that to happen twice in my life. I don't know if I can take that.

The only time I'm even remotely at peace is when I'm beta-reading with Briar, getting lost in a different world. It's the best part of my day, so when we finish the manuscript, an abyss opens up inside me. I try to force it to close up around other people, but it's hard. Almost impossible when Gareth's six-week break is up and I have to talk about the draft with him and Briar. I don't want to sit at the kitchen table with them, but I feel like I already promised I would, so I do.

Briar sends her dad the Google Doc with all our comments and highlights. Gareth spends a few minutes reading through them. While he does, I stare at a point on the wall. I try not to think about anything except throwing all my emotions into the abyss and closing it up. I know it'll pry itself open the moment we start talking about Hien and Hai's parents, but maybe doing this now will delay it.

Actually... maybe it's not a good idea for me to be here after all. I know I'll be biased. Gareth deserves a better beta reader than that. A better one than me.

I feel something brush against my hand. I blink and glance at Briar. Her hand closes more firmly around mine.

"You okay?" she mouths.

No. I'm not. But I don't want her to worry, so I nod and grasp her hand. I run my thumb over her knuckles and focus on the wall again, so she can't read too much into my expression. Hopefully, I don't even have an expression for her to read into. This is my problem. Not hers. And I don't want to dump all of this on Briar and her family. But I feel like that's exactly what I'm doing. I have a brand new phone and wardrobe to prove it.

"So you guys hate it," Gareth says, drawing me from my thoughts.

"Not hate," Briar corrects him, resting her elbow on the table. "It just feels... not finished..." Gareth raises his eyebrows, waiting for an elaboration. "The plot is fine, and it seems sound. It's the characters."

Yep. They're a problem. So are my paren—Nevermind. Better not to think about it.

Gareth nods, leaning forward. "What about them?"