A New Dawn

Chapter 50 - Idris

I've been wandering around a lot more than usual. At first, I tell myself it's to clear my mind, but I give up on that excuse when I realize all I can think about is the dinner with my family. More than anything, though, I can't stop thinking about Roman. It's not like he said much at the dinner, but his expressions and the looks he shot me said it all.

I think I made the right call not dragging him into the argument, but that doesn't mean things are okay for him. Maybe they never were. Maybe he was struggling like I was all these years. And I didn't say anything to him about it. I just let him struggle and kept him at a distance.

But if I didn't keep some distance between us, he would've lashed out at me.

But that meant he was alone.

But I was at least a little safe away from him.

But he was alone.

But I had peace of mind.

But he was alone.

And so was I.

The more I think about it, the more I find myself gravitating towards Everett's house. Eventually, I give in and head inside, going straight to Briar's room. The door's shut. I don't hear any noise coming from inside, but I knock a few times. A moment later, I hear footsteps pad towards the door. When it swings open, Briar looks up at me with a tentative smile.

"Hey," she says. "What's up?"

I look past her. Her laptop is open on her bed with a few pieces of paper next to it. "Are you busy?"

She shakes her head, stepping back to let me in. She sits on the edge of her bed, her eyes sweeping over her laptop. They flicker between glowing amber and dark brown, settling with a color between the two as she shuts the laptop and slides the pieces of paper beneath it. When she turns to me, her eyes tilt towards dark brown.

"Did you want to talk about something?" she asks.

I nod, walking into the room. Instead of sitting next to Briar, I sit at her feet, resting my head on her lap. She runs her fingers through my hair and along my face. I shut my eyes at her gentle touch, running my hand up and down her leg. I lean into her, relishing everything about her and how just being near her calms my racing mind.

"What's up?" she finally repeats.

I take a deep breath. "I feel numb."

"Just numb? Nothing else?"

I swallow, opening my eyes. "I'm just really... resigned. And tired." I'm a lot of other things, too, but it'll take too long to list it all. "So I guess I'm not numb, but I want to be."

Briar's hand pauses in my hair. "I don't think that would be a good thing."

"Wouldn't it be?" I lift my head to look up at Briar. "Because if I was numb, I wouldn't be feeling so bad right now, especially about people who don't care about me." I stare at a point across the room, leaning my head against Briar's knee again. "But I'm also... guilty..."

She shifts. "What do you have to be guilty about?"

I lift myself onto her bed, taking Briar's hand, but I still don't look at her. I try to gather my thoughts into something coherent. "You know how you were saying Roman is like Hai and maybe he's the way he is because of my parents? I feel like I should've taken that more seriously sooner, but I didn't. I didn't talk to him to find out more. I just assumed he was an asshole because he's my parents' golden child.

"And he is my parents' golden child. But it's only because he's too scared and resigned to talk back. He'd rather go along with whatever they say even if it could hurt him in the end."