Star Crossed

Anna-Leigh

Luke sits beside me on the couch, neither of us speaking. 

There's nothing left to say. After they wheeled my mother's body out an hour ago, I felt numb. I know it's just shock and it won't last so I'm trying to hang on to it as long as I can. 

"If we met somewhere else again, I don't think I'd know you." Luke says finally making me bark a laugh. 

"That's the point, isn't it?" I sigh glancing at him.

"I liked the old you just as much as this version." He shrugs.

I bite my lip and nod. I often wondered what would have happened if it were Luke that I fell for instead of Gavin. Surely, we wouldn't be here now. 

"Will you play for me?" He asks. Nodding I stand and go to my piano. Tonight, the music flows right through me without a pause. 

'And what doesn't kill you will kill the innocence, never trust another soul again, question what makes you so unlovable, living in constant state of survival. I question everything I thought I once knew; wonder all the ways it would have been different with you. Asking myself if it's worth living with all this pain, waking up each morning contemplating the same damn thing. Because what doesn't kill you will kill every part of yourself, never to regain. The same question will always remain.'

When I stop, he's watching me with a composed face. I close the lid and lean against the piano. 

"Before Chris was arrested, Gavin beat him within an inch of his life." He states surprising me. "I know your mind was made up all those years ago, but I thought you should know. He'll never cop to the fact it was him." He shrugs. 

"Would it change your mind? Knowing everything three years later?" I muse. 

"I don't know. I'd like to think that it might." He sighs. 

"Why did he take care of my mom?" I ask. Needing to know.

"Guilt." He snorts. "You were all she had left, and he was the reason you left." He shrugs. "I know you wanted somethin more but that's what it was."

I didn't expect anything besides that answer, but I don't tell him that. 

"Do you remember cleaning out my dad's office?" I ask him. 

"Course." He nods. 

Gavin was too busy with his other friends, so Luke offered to help me. 

"That day I wondered how simple life would have been if it were you instead." I admit. "That was the first time of many I wondered that." 

"If it were me, you wouldn't be who you are today though." He points out making me nod. 

I know he's right but the pain I carry everyday makes me think I might be okay with that. 

"It wasn't a trauma bond." I say the words out loud for the first time in my entire life making him smile. 

"Maybe at first." He concedes standing. 

"I don't think even then." I sigh.

"You're giving him all the power and I don't think that's fair." Furrowing my brow, I stand too. 

"What do you mean?"

"You're avoiding him, like he broke you."

"He did." I scoff. 

"I don't think he did. Are you afraid of him?" He asks cocking his head.

"No." I say bluntly. 

"Take the power back then." He shrugs. 

I purse my lips as we walk to the door. 

Hugging me he lets himself out and I watch him walk next door before disappearing. Closing the door, I sigh and sit back at the piano. 

Tomorrow, I have to face the music and plan a funeral and find someone to tear the house down. I wait for Syd to come back so she can remind me. 

She smells like bourbon when she comes inside and sits on the couch. 

"Tomorrow will be busy." I state. Nodding she turns to face me. 

"I can do it." She offers but I shake my head.

"I need to." I sigh. 

Nodding she rolls her head to stare at the blank television screen. 

"We can finish up the duet and head to the city after." She states. 

"Okay." I stand and head for the stairs. 

"Do you believe in redemption?" Her question has me pausing but when I look at her, she looks lost in another time and place. 

"I don't know what I believe anymore." I admit before dragging myself up the stairs and to my room. 

I close the door and strip before pulling on sweats and a hoodie. Opening my curtains, I stare at the moon and release a long breath. Everything seems to be changing so fast.

When I look across the way I see a silhouette watching me from the other window. I know its him. I can feel it in my bones. 

Stepping back I draw the curtains closed and lie on the bed staring at the ceiling. 

I feel the resolve crumble as I decide on the first thing to do tomorrow. It has nothing to do with my mother. This is about me and my need to slay my demons one last time before putting my past to bed. 

I close my eyes, but my sleep is fitful. I spend the remainder of the night tossing and turning in my childhood bed. My mothers' sobs and my father's screams filling the space of my brain. 

I guess it won't hurt to let Syd find someone to tear this house down. I would rather spend my remaining time in this town in a hotel. 

When I get up in the morning I shower and head out before Syd stirs. The drive takes a good hour and a half. I stare at the building in front of me. Swallowing what's left of my pride I head inside and go through the metal detector before filling out paperwork and being told to wait in the uncomfortable chairs. 

The longer I sit and wait the more I begin to think what a stupid idea this was. Sighing I look at the clock.