Love or Lust?

I Forgive You.

Drained and stressed out I lounge around my dorm room as my mind goes crazy. I never knew that one moment could change everything. Im not your average girl who falls in love quick but it was just something about her that made it all feel right. Is it weird that I miss her? I wish we could start over with a clean slate with no secrets but I wish a lot of things could've worked out differently. Taking a deep breath I sit in my bed as I wrap myself up in my covers and grab my laptop. Maybe heading back home for a while can help me get back to feeling like myself again. I search around on the internet to see if I can find the cheapest and quickest flight from San Diego, California to New York City which is where I came from. After doing a few hours of searching around I finally find the flight that works best for me. I quickly get up out of bed and grab my luggage and start packing my bags. "Just have to get through today's class and then I'll be heading out tomorrow morning!" I said nervously but excitedly because I don't exactly know what to expect. As im getting dressed I suddenly feel like I may be making a mistake by leaving but why should I feel guilty for doing something that makes me happy? Today I decided to actually give my look some effort so I threw on my favorite pair of jeans that always give me that confidence boost that I need because these pants pull everything together perfectly if you know what I mean. I then paired my white jeans with this black draped collar crisscross back satin cami top and my black faux leather round toe ankle boots. To pull the outfit together I throw on my white sunglasses, lashes, jewelry, lipgloss and my black denim trucker jacket. I decided to straighten my hair and add some loose curls to it since lately messy ponytails and buns have been my go to. I head to class as I feel everyone staring at me but trust me there aren't any bad stares. Maybe this is what I needed, a booster. Once I approach the door to class I quickly apply more lipgloss and make my way inside. Surprisingly everyone is already in the classroom seated so they all stare at me as I head to my seat smiling. Mrs. Reign looks at me as if she sees a ghost but proceeds with her lesson. As I reach into my backpack to pull out my textbook Liam anxiously tries to grab my attention. I look over at him as he's practically drooling over me. "Damn girl this really you right here? You don't usually show up all dressed up. You look good as hell." he says excitedly as he looks me up and down. Stunned by his compliment I politely say thank you as I shift my attention towards the board. We all take notes silently before the bell rings and everyone heads off to their next class. While I gather my belongings Mrs. Reign walks up to my desk and clears her throat. "Well what do we have here? Hey Mrs. Savanna. How are you?" After thinking about the day I have ahead of me tomorrow I smile as I look at her and say "I am doing great Mrs. Reign. How are you today?" She looks at me surprised as she grins. Leaning back up against her desk she looks at me as her eyes light up. "This is definitely not what I was expecting. Last time we spoke things didn't turn out too well for us. I know you probably don't care for anything that I have to say right now but I just wanted you to know that I am really sorry for hurting you. I panicked when I felt myself actually catching feelings for you because..." she took a brief pause as she walked towards me. We stood there in silence for a while just looking into each other's eyes. Suddenly I felt that feeling all over again, the flames of desire. I swear just a day or two ago I couldn't stand her but now all I want is her. "Because what Mrs. Reign?" I say softly as I place my hands in my jacket pocket. She pulls me towards her with one hand but slowly lets me go. "Im not with her anymore. I know I messed up and I know you'll probably never forgive me for anything that happened but I truly am sorry for everything. Can I fix it?" Speechless I look down at her hands before holding them and looking back up at her. She's not the person I want to hate or be mad at. "I forgive you. I apologize for the way I reacted but you have to understand why I was feeling the way I felt. I gave you complete trust and control over my feelings, my heart, my body and myself and you turned into someone I didn't even recognize not even a day later. You could've just told me about her and I would've completely understood." Mrs. Reign sighs deeply as she squeezes my hands and says "I get it I really do. You have every right to feel the way you do and I just want you to know that I respect whatever decision you decide to make." Feeling pressured I let her hands go as I stare into her eyes. All I can think about is everything that happened before all of this chaos. Everything felt so perfect and I enjoyed the moment. I had never felt so free and connected with anyone in that way before. "Umm can you give me some time to think everything over? This is honestly a lot to take in. If it makes you feel any better though I don't hate you or anything. In fact, I think I may actually love you but I don't know. I don't exactly know what I feel right now but I know that you will always have me. But I think you should be the first to know that tomorrow I will be taking a flight back home to New York City." It felt good to let that out. Sometimes the feelings we want to hold in may be the feelings we need to let out the most. She looks at me as her eyes widen. "What do you mean you're leaving tomorrow? Savy..." she pauses as she tries to process everything that I just said to her. "You can't leave me. We can go somewhere together how about that? Just me and you. Please, I need you here. I feel so lost when you're not around. I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I know it hasn't been easy but I want to make it work." I look at her as I feel a tear fall. Why do I have that guilty feeling again? What if I really can't leave her here? I mean the flight is already booked but I could just cancel it, right? Nervously I place my hand on her cheek, "Im sorry but maybe this is for the best Mrs. Reign. We can figure it out when I get back I promise." She leans in to kiss me but I back away just as our lips are a few inches apart. As bad as I want to kiss her I know that will only make it harder for me leave. I back away as I head towards the door. "Take care of yourself Mrs. Reign. You are gonna be okay. We'll catch up soon." I say as I open the door slowly. Why do I feel like i'm leaving behind the best part of me? As I start to close the door Mrs. Reign says "I love you Savy" but I just keep walking. It's time I focus on myself and my happiness for once but I forgive you.