Jesus Loves You

01 | The Beginning Of The Damages

I am nineteen years old and I have seen the way of men. What I saw in them always hurt me. If I come to talk about my life from the beginning, I was a very reserved child. I talked to none but I was very imaginative. I liked being the only girl in my world as I daydreamed and I was happy that way.

I was strictly disciplined by my parents. I was the first born child of my family and I received their attention the most. Their strictness molded me into a girl who focused on what could make my parents happy. Good grades and academic growth. But that couldn't make me happy. If I say directly, I didn't know what happiness was. I thought of it but I didn't find the answer.

As I grew up, I made friends and I was ready to do anything for them. Helping them with homework and letting them cheat through my sheets. If she would call me home to do her homework there, I would do it. I have done such things and I did it because I didn't want to lose my friends.

This kind of mentality developed when I was in nursery. Two boys used to bully me a lot. One of them used to hate me. He would pull my pigtail and tear off my notebook. One day he broke my backpack's zipper and I cried a lot. I was scared of them and I wanted someone to protect me.

I used to tell my grandmother and beg her to come early and take me home once it was over. She would do it but how could she go against the rules of the school? Being under the care of two strict people was already enough to keep me shut that these boys only added to it, and I desired to make a friend. When I made one, she and her mother took advantage of me and I didn't know what was happening. I just found some relief when she was around.

Then came a relative of mine as she studied in the same class as me. Because we were linked, I had to spend time with her. Or else, she threatened me that she would tell my parents that I do not spend time with her. I was scared and did whatever she told me to do. But I hated being with her because I never liked being under someone's control while they would rule over me harshly. Besides, her touches were inappropriate. I just wanted to escape her but I knew no way. One day she forcefully tried to kiss me and it horrified me.

I was shaking. I was overcome with a wave of revulsion. I wanted to run away and clean myself thoroughly to make her touch vanish from my skin. It disgusted me.

The blow was straight on my mind and this was the beginning of the damages I was about to receive. Because after that, they did not stop. They kept coming and damaging me and the way I thought.

Living a disciplined life brought me favor. Because I did well in my class, girls used to approach me. I never had to make a step, but whoever became my friend, I did everything to keep them happy with me. But why did I want to make such an effort? I was a fool to think that they would stay by my side every time. I couldn't stop people, and being a people pleaser was a huge mistake in my life which I made constantly.

My parents were strict. I couldn't approach them in a friendly manner and making friends wasn't a sin. But thinking that they would be genuine with me was surely a mistake. It only hurt me and kept hurting me until I let this go. Depending on people was never a good idea. I learned this late but I learned well.

I thought the friendships I read about in books existed in reality and if I stay honest, they will love me. How foolish of me! The more I tried to be humble, the more I was taken advantage of. But I was so blind in them that I didn't know it was all wrong. I could help them in anything, even though it wasn't in my hands, I made ways because I was afraid they would leave me if I don't help them. But oh! Only if I had not fully believed in it! Pleasing people for the sake of their presence which depended on the way I served them wasn't something good.

I also tell my readers to let go of such people.

What God has taught me in these years is that love everyone but believe a few. Stay away from those who damage you. Learn from heartbreaks and Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Proverbs 3:5, KJV.