Parasite Gods

6: Aida

When did I first make contact with the antitheists? It was the day after my 27th birthday, on August 18, 559. This was almost a year after the formation of the antitheists as an organized group, and two years after the publication of "Parasite Gods". As I have mentioned, I had developed an interest in the antitheist position soon after my encounter with Essen the Elder, and I took every opportunity over the next months to discover more sources to sate my growing curiosity. One of these sources was Aida, a friend of mine from Temple School, who worked as a local chaplain in Timberhill, a village some miles South of Midwater.

She and I had been nearly inseparable throughout our teenage years, and we have kept in touch even after she moved to her new post. When I was sent to Timberhill myself to investigate some leaflets that had been intercepted at the local postal way-point, I made it a point to visit Aida, and spent three nights with her before my return to Proag. It is amazing how some friendships remain unhampered by distance, and resume so smoothly that it feels as if no time has passed. Aida and I, both highly qualified professional women in our own rights, were reduced to giggling fools when together in private. During those three days, we had much time to talk, since the original mission for which I was sent turned out to be a simple matter.

While the first few evenings were rather uneventful, sharing tales of the years since we'd parted, it came up that I was studying the rebellious faction that had recently begun to organize. After little wheedling for gossip, and more than a little cheap wine, the conversation took an interesting turn. This is how I remember it:

Source: Personal Recollection of Meghan Renar

"I'd like to tell you a secret..." she murmured sleepily. We were tired, laughed out silly, and halfway to drunk. Both of us were laying on the fleece floor rug in front of the small fireplace in her residence, and it seemed likely that we would remain there until morning.

"Alright?"

"You have to promise not to tell anybody" she continued. My heart started racing. I didn't know what she was going to say, but I knew in my soul this was going beyond simple gossip.

"Of course I promise. But now you HAVE to tell me!" I tried to sound non-involved, as if she was going to tell me that the school maid was spending nights with the butcher-boy, but I wanted to shake her until she told me. She took a deep breath, and then another.

"Tell me! Tell me!" I couldn't hide my excitement. Here we were, two women going on three decades, babbling like young maidens on the way to the harvest fair.

"I want to tell you about something I learned last week. I think you'll find it interesting, but I don't want you to do anything rash." Her face flushed, and she bit her lower lip, holding her breath while waiting for me to respond.

I turned to her, rolling over to look her in the face. "I promise! Now what's going on?"

"Last week, a man came to me at the chapel. He was cloaked, and I didn't see his face, but he asked for a confession. I took him to the confessional and provided the rite. Will you guess what he confessed to me?"

"I haven't a clue, but I'm sure it was interesting. Are you allowed to tell me?" I tried to mask my excitement again, afraid of scaring her off of what had to be a particularly tasty morsel of information.

"Probably not, but I think you'll be intrigued. This is the kind of thing you love! He told me. Directly, mind you. He told me that he had joined the antitheists! He told me and asked me for penance!"

"Really? Just like that?" Any chance of masking my intrigue was gone at this point. I had told Aida all about my recent research, though not the motivations behind it.

"Just like that! Of course I told him to leave the group immediately, and to pray to the Mother for forgiveness. He didn't like that one bit. I think he wanted to be a heretic, without feeling guilty about it, poor man."

"And you have no idea who it was?"

"Officially not, but one of the sisters saw him when he left and told me his name. If I tell you, will you have to arrest him? I don't want to cause this town any trouble. I don't think he's really a bad sort."

"Tell you what. I'm curious to talk to this man, and maybe if I do I can drive some sense into him. If you can set something up, I won't arrest him. I'd like to hear what he has to say. You do know how to loop me into a plot! Always have. Remember poor Sister Eleanor? I don't think she ever got over us!"

I hated having to hide my intentions like this, playing the dutiful cleric when all I wanted was to meet this mysterious man and learn from him. I was scared. Scared of what Aida would think of me. Scared of what I would think of myself if I admitted this out loud.

I do not know why, but Aida and I have always been a pair to bend the rules to their limits. Individually, we were both straight-laced, studious girls. However, the two of us together seemed to draw out our inner rebels, and it certainly did this time. In hindsight, I believe this conversation was her way of gauging my reaction, since she had already joined the antitheists well before this*. On some level, I think I knew this already and was simply playing along in the part which she had cast me. I played the part well, that of an Investigator for the Office of Spiritual Safety. Regardless, a clandestine meeting was soon arranged, and the following morning I met with a young man named Owen.

*Editor's commentary: I imagine this was a common conversation in those times, when many had read the antitheist literature as well as the Temple's published rebuttals (Those being significantly less popular, but still widespread). At that time, open discussion could bring harsh prison sentences, or even death, to those who were caught. I can only imagine the fear during this delicate dance of words, the desire to share these deeply personal beliefs balancing the hope that your friends or relatives would not report you as a heretic.

Owen was perhaps twenty-five years old with brown hair and brown eyes, and clearly highly intelligent. I was surprised at his willingness to discuss his beliefs, his heresies, with me. Maybe he identified a kindred spirit, for that we truly were. Maybe he simply wanted to share his views. In any case, we talked for many hours. Once he understood that I was merely curious, and meant no harm, he moved beyond his theology to discuss his role in the antitheist movement. He was one of the first, he claimed. He was lost to the Temple from his first reading of "Parasite Gods". Others, though he was always careful to avoid names, joined later, being convinced by friends or relations. Obviously, I was to fall somewhere in between these categories.

I clearly remember one thing Owen said to me, the basis of his heretical beliefs:

"If the Temple is right, and the Sikal were the perfect creation of the Mother, then the skaroq, the dream-life of the Sikal, would be perfect as well. But the Temple says that there were evil Sikal, and Howil alternated between evil and good. I don't think a good skaroq could cause something as horrible as the Unwilling. And, you know, I don't think being 'good' even depends on following the exact words of the temple, if you don't hurt anyone."

With these words, Owen watered the seeds of doubt that had been planted by Essen the Elder, and they began to grow in my soul. That evening, the night before my return to Proag, I recited the Prayer to the Skaroq, as I had done for all my life, but I did not believe it. I wept that night, and Aida comforted me. I wept for the faith that I had lost, for the years of my life I had given. I wept in joy for the truth I had found, and dedicated myself to a better path. Aida confessed the same beliefs to me, and we cried.

~~~~~

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