Resurrected To Love (a RedHood x Fem!OC story)

VIII

Alexia Truper
(1st person perspective)

I cant explain how much anxiety crowds my chest, I'm suffocating in my own worry. I got off the phone with Dick an hour ago. I still haven't heard from Jason. I haven't heard from Dick since. The pit in my stomach only grows, nausea filling my intestines, the acidic smell burning my throat.

I've tried different ways to distract myself in this hour: I started by trying to fall asleep, cuddling the bear Jason got me, after I kept tossing & turning, I got up with my tear-stained cheeks, I grabbed my phone and put on music; something uplifting. I started with Rihanna, but I couldn't get myself to enjoy it, so I subsided to Taylor Swift. I didn't like her much anyway but it was worth a shot. I tried Beyoncé next. I gave up trying with music.

I grabbed the hoodie at the foot of my bed, throwing it on & opened the window that let me out onto the fire escape. Gotham City is a beautifully tormented place on Earth. It's always been a broken city. From Arkham Asylum, BlackGate prison & all the rich families that inhabit the area. Some tried to make Gotham a safer environment but others were, well, greedy assholes. I like the rich people such as Bruce Wayne. He hasn't done everything possible for Gotham City but he does what he can with his money & specific persona to throw everyone off his true 'Batman' identity.

I know Jason sometimes hates Bruce but I know deep down he cares, he loves him like a father. He's had moments where he's broke down in tears over Bruce's kindness toward him & also the moments when Batman was a completely "dick-wad." Both are completely valid. I do truly value Jason. I know he doesn't understand that someone else could care for him in every possible way. I just wish he did know. It would be easier; not Jason's style in life though.

I still have my phone in my hand, waiting for a text, a phone call to tell me everything's okay & it was a misunderstanding. I really hope it's a misunderstanding. I just want him send me a text, even if its just a stupid full-stop, gibberish, even a dumb emoji. I'll take anything. I just want him to be okay; I need him to be okay. I want him to come to my apartment with his sneaky grin, I want him to hug me & I want him to say simple words to me. I need to see him. I  need to see Jason Todd. I don't think my body can handle another minute longer without an answer that flushes all my concern away.

I felt my phone vibrate before my ringtone of 'Baby' started playing, normally, I'd laugh at the lyrics & sing along before answering. I don't wait, I answer immediately, letting a deep, fresh breath into my lungs. 

"Alexia?" Dick's voice cracks through the speakers, his usual playful tone completely absent in his voice.

My eyebrows draw together, my stomach turning itself inside & out. "Is he okay?" My voice came through quieter than I anticipated.

Dreadful silence fills the aroma around my body. It's not good. He's not okay. Jason's not safe. Jason's not okay. He's worse than not okay.

"Alexia... I'm sorry." His voice was just as quiet as mime, scared if he utters the words, the truth & harsh reality of the situation cemented in his mind. His little bastard of a brother is truly gone. "I should've been there. I could've stopped him, stopped all of this from happening. It should've..." Dick's voice went silent as he continued his ramblings in his mind, not realising the crash on the other side from my own body giving up on me as it processes what Dick's voice informed.

My knees give out from underneath my weight. Harshly, my body crashes onto the fire escape. My knee's digging into the small opening, grazing them slightly. I can't feel the pain. My heart hurts. Tears instantly fall from my eyes, my chest becomes tighter than it already was & I cant breathe. The air of the night wont come into my lungs. I cant breathe. My vision is blurry from the tears I shed. I can't see as black dots fill my eyesight. My head is pounding, the world around me is spinning. I feel sick. I can't move.

"Alexia?" Dick's voice calls out, I can hear the pain in his own voice. It's hoarse, low & has nothing but layers of the purest form of grief.

Dick is struggling with this just as much as I am. He's trying to be strong. Dick is putting up a front, he was in just as much pain as me. I can hear his ragged breathing through the speakers of my phone. He's still trying to hold back his own tears, yet, he can't hold onto his facade much longer.

"Alexia, I'm coming to your apartment okay? Leave the window at the fire escape open. I'll be there as soon as possible." Dick's voice was quiet, I can barely make out what he was saying. The sound of my lost breaths & thoughts that pace my mind drown him out.

It's suddenly cold. Goosebumps cover every part of my body. I'm shivering as I sob uncontrollably. I can't fathom that he's gone. My Jason, my Robin, my Hero, my friend, he's gone. I'll never hear his voice again. I'll never get a pathetic insult thrown at me ever again. I can't live my future without Jason by my side. I'm alone. My only friend, the one who knew me inside & out is gone.

My chest only gets heavier as I desperately suck in the air that he can no longer breathe. Every memory I have with him floods my mind, every glimpse of his smile sends me into a worse state. I'm clinging onto my own body, slightly drooping to the side as I no longer had enough strength to keep myself up-right. I could feel my knees begin to bruise from the metal digging into them.

I can't fathom that my best friend is lying dead somewhere. I don't even know where he is. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him. I didn't get to see his perfectly sculpted face as he left the world we walked on together. My heart is only aching. It's missing something - it's missing Jason. Without him my house has been cut in half. He was my rock, my pillar, the half to make me whole. An emptiness swells my chest, my lungs. My best friend is fucking gone & I did nothing to prevent it from happening.

I flop down on to the cold metal of the fire escape, the sharp temperature sending a shiver down my body. My eye's sore from the tears I've shed in past 20 minutes of my life, 20 minutes Jason won't get ever again, the forever flowing tears don't stop. I can't comprehend the world around me. No matter how much I try to immerse myself back into reality, the grief just takes over every sense i possess. His face just flashes in my mind & the cycle of tears continue. I'm trapped in my own mind & I can't get out. The world around me is drowned out. I can't see through the water in my eyes, it's leaving everything blurred. I can't hear anything but my own uneven breaths & sobs, pleads for it all to be a joke.

"They're joking with me. He's not gone. He can't be gone?" I quietly muttered to myself for the thousandth time. Each time I let the words fall from my lips I'm less convinced.

"Jason Todd wouldn't leave me alone in this poor excuse of a world ,would he?" More tears fall from my eyes, falling through the gaps in the emergency balcony.

I'm just losing hope in the boy I gave everything I could too.