Abyssal Reverie

Chapter 14: Higher

"You say you won't begin again. Capitulate and let me in 'Cause I am a fire, and you are dry as bone."

When I woke, I could feel eyes on me. The presence of something bigger than myself surrounded me, lingering in all the dark, unlit corners of the room. Dark clouds surrounded me, blinding me from myself. The panic that was rising in my chest was only aggravated by the pain that still danced along my skin. I could feel the swirling madness descending around me, the black spirals dancing like they hadn't a care in the world.

I squeezed my eyes shut, the rising fear enveloping my every sense. I focused on my breathing, in and out. In. Out. I could feel the room around me settling, the darkness that lingered now leaving like a whisper floating off into the abyss. I couldn't move, my shoulders trembling as I attempted to center myself. I could feel the panic descend, my chest no longer leaden with the adrenaline that was coursing through my veins.

I peered through heavy lashes, the little slit opening just enough for me to detect if the danger had gone. I hurriedly watched, left, right. The dark cloud had vanished; in its stead was utter silence. For the first time in months, I felt the weight of being alone, a lone star in a world filled with bustling galaxies. My skin heated under the thought of how expansive our world was... and how I was all left of a family I didn't even realize was gone. Eradicated by a woman who was supposed to hold us the dearest, corrupt by a God who had yet to show her face to me.

In the silence that encircled me, I found the grief that was lying dormant beneath the surface of my skin. It clawed its way back from the hole I had left it in, the box now leaking small parts of who I was, now tangling with who I had been. The tears flowed, grieving more than just my family... but the idea that I was the victim. The idea that all that happened to bring me here was out of my control.

It was a humbling feeling knowing that at the end of all of this, I was still the root cause of my discomfort. The emotions bubbling inside of me boiled over, the waves of sadness ebbing and flowing as the tears fell from my eyes. I wrapped my arms around myself and just cried. Releasing everything that had been pent up inside of me this entire time.

"This pain, the feeling tugging at your bones, is real." III was directly behind me, the heavy breaths he panted out indicative of the effort it took him to get here. "It does not go away; often, it simply fades into the ecosystem of your being. "He was more disheveled than I had seen him in the past. The necklace I pulled from Sleep's body dangling gingerly on top of his black robe crinkled from the day before. He was still dressed head to toe in black, the parts of his skin I could see smeared with the ashen color I had come to find comfort in.

"It still doesn't feel... Real. Like this story, he told me, was just that. Fiction that is entwined with memories that feel like dreams. Layers of myself unraveling in ways that they hadn't lain before." The tears caused my voice to hitch, the soreness of the sobs now lingering in the flesh of my throat.

"I don't believe that it will ever really feel like the story belongs to you. I think no matter what we said, no matter when we told you these pieces of your puzzle, there would be this part of you that will feel like it is missing. Like we didn't quite glue them down where they were supposed to go." III sat down on the edge of my cot, leaning his body against the wall just behind him. His eyes were closed, and at that moment, I made myself believe there was peace in this. Amongst the struggles I was facing, when all was said and done, I could rest. No matter what that looked like. "But, if we were to try and glue them down faster, Selah, They wouldn't stick. We would lose things. Be patient with us. We have so much to show you and not enough time to give it to you in spoonful's."

Those words stuck with me. We have so much to show you and not enough time to give it to you in spoonful's. Almost as though I was a child, they were teaching me to swallow, the pieces of myself too big to chew but not enough to satiate this hunger inside me. The hunger that grew every day. And the longer the pit in my stomach went unfed, the more desperate I was for bigger bites.