𝐈𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐭 𝐒𝐤𝐲 ✓

Chapter 6

I can't seem to see what I really feel inside. Like the fog outside of my window covering the sky, it clouds the majestic view above. My feelings these past few days have been rollercoasters.

One day, I woke up empty and tired of everything. And I'll wake up again, feeling too much, it's clouding my mind; it's so heavy that I don't know anymore if I'm sad or just too empty to know how I feel. Or it just felt heavy because of the void in my chest.

There are days that I want to die instead of feeling like this. And today is one of those days. I snapped again. I hurt someone. I snapped at my mother when she was just trying to explain and was concerned about me.

Namuo ang aking mga luha at tinakpan ang mukha gamit ang mga kamay. I'm already a burden to my mother, and I only gave her another reason to think that I am nothing but baggage in her now almost-perfect life.

Siguro kung hindi niya ako kinuha sa purong puting silid na iyon, maayos ang buhay niya ngayon kasama ang bago niyang pamilya. Maybe she almost had another chance to have a perfect life, but because she loved me, she took me out of that chamber and made me stay with her even though I was nothing but a threat to her and the new people she cherished.

I want to change. I want to have understanding. I want to be patient. I want to understand myself. I want to have normal days like other people. I don't want to feel this. To feel empty, miserable, angry, irritated, and violent. I want to be the normal girl I used to be.

But I can't. Because every time I try, the more I realize that I can't. Every time I try to understand myself, the more I realize that there really is something wrong with me. I am the problem, not the people who I think were responsible for making me like this.

Gusto kong maging normal. Kagaya ng iba. Iyong walang iniinom na gamot. Iyong walang posibilidad na mananakit na lang bigla dahil lang sa maliit na dahilan. I want that... I want to have a normal life, too.

But I was there. I was there, hiding, when the doctor told my mother that I'd be like this forever. And the only thing that can help me have a normal life are these fucking medicines... the medicines that will help me relieve my symptoms

I felt pathetic. I felt frustrated. I was mad at everyone. Maraming taong puwedeng maging ganito, bakit ako pa? I want to lead a tranquil life! I want to make lots of friends without having to worry about having violent outbursts or abrupt mood swings over trivial matters!

I'm not crazy. I'm sane. I have no intention of hurting those close to me. I'm trying to restrain my impulses. I'm making every effort to restrain myself from becoming aggressive. However, each time I repress it, I truly feel like I'm going insane. My hands itch to hurt and slam someone, and my blood lusts for it.

Still, I am not insane.

"Farida..."

Nilingon ko si Mama na maingat na naupo sa aking tabi. Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa galaw niyang maingat, takot na makagawa ng pagkakamali. Dahil sa oras na magkamali siya, magagalit ako at mananakit.