Illicit Sky [✓]

Chapter 17

They said that if a kid makes a mistake, their parents ought to be the ones who discipline them. Making mistakes is a way for children to learn, and having their parents by their side will lead them to the right path. 

I wasn't a child in my situation. Let's just say that even though I was young, I wasn't the kind of child who needed parental guidance on morality. Nasa tamang edad na ako para malaman ang tama at mali. However, I was too young to make wise choices in life.

I was young and gullible. I was easy to trick. A small portion of attention from someone makes me excessively excited. I feel the need for validation in everything I do. It might be academically or because of who I am. Because of that stupid trait, I put myself in an unimaginable situation.

There were moments when I held my parents responsible for my circumstances. I thought that if they were just completely focused on me, I wouldn't grow up looking for attention from other people and wouldn't go through what I did. I blame them sometimes, but then I'll blame my own ignorance on me after.

And in the end, I realized that blaming them and myself would only leave me in the past. Which I didn't want to happen. I didn't want to think about what happened to me either. That's why I disregarded everything and lived my life like it didn't happen. 

I am still not sure how I did that. Paano ko nakayanan magpanggap na parang wala lang iyon kahit na ang totoo, noong gabing iyon, halos mawalan ako ng boses sa paghingi ng tulong? Was it a coping mechanism? Was I too ashamed that I did something immoral? I was a victim. But I also thought that I had brought everything upon myself. Kaya pakiramdam ko wala akong karapatang magdamdam. 

Looking back on the past is like opening an old wound that healed on its own. A wound that never received professional help. A wound that will only get worse after being reopened, as it lacked care when it was still fresh. 

I didn't think I'd look back in the past either. When did it start? I was indifferent to everyone, but before I even knew it, that man made his way into my life. 

"Did you call your parents, Farida? The awarding is almost done."

Tulala ako sa stage, mahigpit na nakakuyom ang mga kamay. Hindi ko napansin ang paglapit ng aking homeroom teacher dahil sa kawalan ng pakialam sa paligid.

I watched my competitor receive her award with her parents. Pagkatapos makipag-kamay sa Dean at judges ng contest, humarap ito sa amin at ngumiti para sa litrato.

Halos masugat ang aking labi sa biglaang pagkagat ko. Her mother kissed her cheek. They looked so happy together that it left a bitter taste in the back of my throat.