Letters to a Friend

Finding Passion

Hello friend. 

I don't want to work today. I want to rest here by this window on a rainy day and write to you. Write to you about nothing at all maybe except about life, and how grateful I am for the life that I have.

Why shouldn't I want to work though? Two new books have been assigned. I should be reading them and outlining them... Breaking them down into summaries and reviewing them... I wouldn't want to fall behind...

And I truly wouldn't want that... and yet is it right to force myself to be doing it? The reality is I can set the test at a later time. So what does it even mean to fall behind? And yet, it seems it does matter.. at least in some subconscious way.

It was nice being back at classes. Only one today in the late morning. General Principles and it is interesting but also... not so much lol. The room is beautiful though. The south wall is entirely made of windows, and plants just on the inside. And even with the rain, the light was breathtaking. I was perhaps paying more attention to that than my instructor reviewing the plans for the semester.. which is important, and I can review later surely but... gosh that light. I kept looking at my neighbors with eyes of wonder... I don't understand why they weren't seeing what I was seeing.. and feeling.

They were straight-backed and focused on the lesson... as they should have been. And I should have been... And should be now.. reading the first chapters...

I'm feeling like... I'm changing somehow. It's as if I'm much more distractible now.. distracted by extraordinary things granted.. and I think I should let myself appreciate and absorb them... but I can't be sure where to place the line between working hard and staying diligent and time spent enamored by the mundane. Basking in the feeling of elation. Ignite your mind, body, and soul. It's like the feeling of a cool body soaking in the heat of a summer day when time moves slowly, and the air is still...

..there I go again. Rein it in Eva.

Oh! But in other news, I had an idea. I feel unexpectedly excited about it. Incidentally, I've made plans to feel unexpectedly excited more often. It's a lovely feeling. I wonder when the last time you felt excited was.

I wonder a lot about you. I feel like I've known you for years somehow. I wonder about your goals, and where and how you live. I guess life would be rather different compared to my world. I hope you're doing ok despite any potential hardship.

Hmm.. my actual idea and excitement for it seem a bit ..um not very relevant now.

You can't not tell them now.

Yeah, that's reasonable really. I am excited about it.. just that I think it might seem underwhelming.. a bit.

Ok.. here goes. I'm thinking of being an instructor. Bare with me, it's not going to be my life, or I who am, or Who I'm Going to Be in big letters, but rather something to try, and have fun trying. At least for now, it's nice to have a sense of direction. 

It might be nice actually. And I could stay here longer and ..the city is nice also but here... it's quiet at night, and I love to sit outside when it's warmer and watch the breeze brush through the fields...

And like today sitting in a study room on a window seat while the rain staccatos against the glass...

And there are other places still to discover, and new buildings being built that I can have some part in maybe...

I like the idea of being the plant magic instructor. The classes are in a massive geodome. There are a couple of areas that are just garden spaces, with some benches and.. my words don't do it justice one bit, but it's designed to perfection, and all the textures of the plants and wood and metals.. and the color and vibrancy.. even in our coldest season.

There are other areas for lecture classes and a space reserved for student practice.. where we grow our plants and look after them. The emphasis is on the magic of intention.

It's odd I guess because I'm not great with plants specifically. I do well with the magic of intention.. which you can probably figure out but which I'll explain more later.

I think it's not about being a teacher specifically, or that kind of teacher, but the life it offers. That I would have time to myself still, and this way I can still write and figure out ...whatever it is I'm meant to be figuring out lol because... surely there must be some reason I'm drawn to be doing this...

I want to stay at this school. That was such a revelation. Why wouldn't I have known that before? I feel like with the job title of an instructor it's not that I'm 'called' to it at all. But rather I think about it and I think.. yeah maybe. Lol, as if ..yeah that could work. And with others, I just rule them out generally.

I think that for so long I was looking for the 'right job'. What would be 'good enough' for my life? As if it had to be some perfect shiny respectable something that would .. fit this image in my head. And it's good that I want to do well.. but with this approach, I could have considered every job that's even possible, and it wouldn't have been perfect. It wouldn't have fit into this shiny dream of 'good enough'. And with the job of instructor... it's not that shiny golden light of a job.. but at the same time it fits, and it can be me. The things that accompany the job, such as a location I love, a flexible schedule, and some time available to write, or to keep learning, give me the sense that I can have a job like that and have more beyond it also. 

The freedom that comes with the profession would offer me time to.. do what I'm needing to do.

Which is?

I don't know yet! You tell me! Or maybe don't.. because knowing exactly where I'm going and what my future is would make everything less exciting. What's life without a mystery to be solved?

But if I had to guess... I want to write more in the future. I have to write really. Here.. everywhere, a rambling mess of words that I can't get out fast enough. And. I don't know why. 

I think this is what passion is... I never recognized that before.

I wonder if it's like that for others. I wonder what they are passionate about. I wonder if it feels like this... like the rush of a thousand bright memories flashed through your mind in the space of a heartbeat.

My feet tingle with the sensation. I am glad to be alive. I hope you are also... even if you have been through challenges.

I'm glad you are here.

I'm glad that I'm not alone anymore.

I'll tell you all about the magic of intention if you want. Just let me know maybe. All that and all the other magic also. It's important. I don't understand why or how just yet, but ..I can feel that it is.

You are a loved friend. May today bring the joy of a thousand bright memories, and a smile as cherished as the warmest day of the year.

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