Letters to a Friend

Perfect Imperfection

Dear friend,

It's been over a year since I've written. My life is ... nice. I feel humbled. I'm not sure why I say that. I think because before.. in school... I looked at my life.. this life like a massive blank canvas. And I placed this expectation on myself to paint the perfect piece of art. Without knowing what a perfect piece of art would be. 

It feels like a long time ago when I was at school stressing about where I would go in my life. And I look back on it fondly. I think I feel humbled because I feel ... contentment. I feel content, and even happy even though my life is very simple. Mostly waiting tables, and helping my Dad with the business.

But that said, I feel like it was the right thing to do. It feels right. And I can't say why, but this seems important. This instinctive feeling seems more important than all the thoughts, and all the ...expectation. It's like it defies logic.

In this way, I think back to my challenge of figuring out direction in my life. And I do believe in free will. I do believe that my actions will impact my life, but recently I've started to feel like maybe there is both fate and free will. 

Like maybe some things are meant to be, and we don't know how we will get there. And in this way maybe that 'feels right instinct' is what's meant to guide us towards where we're meant to go?

lol, this isn't going at all as I had planned... Maybe like life I had planed for it to be a beautiful, perfect picture... but when the time comes... in the moment ... I feel like I just have to slap some paint on and see how it looks. See what happens. 

And in this way I've gained new understanding that life isn't about accomplishments, or perfection, or the end result, but rather ... having fun. Pursuing what seems interesting. 

I can't know what I can't know. So... trying to figure that out leaves me running in circles. And now instead... I can help my Dad because ... because it's nice to help him. And nevermind the work or the finished painting... it feels important that I help my Dad. And in this way the other things I had stressed about and worried about seem less significant.

It's nice that I'm back in the city and I can meet up with my friends regularly. That feels important to me too. We're all transitioning out of school, and it's nice to share that with them. 

I'm going to return to the school and teach at some point. Just .. not yet. I feel like I'll know when the time is right, and it's not right yet. And that's ok.

As for the 'life painting,' there's still time for me to adjust it, and make it into what I want it to be. But I recognize now that... I need to follow the clues, and my instinct to figure out what that is.

Furthermore, I'm starting to see now that there doesn't have to be only one painting.. or for me, just one book maybe, or one job, but instead as many as I'd like. I can choose to start a new chapter, and new life within this life whenever I want, or perhaps whenever I need. And I hold the power to make each chapter significant. 

So in this way... I guess I've found not just understanding, but also acceptance. Maybe that's a humbling experience... recognizing that I don't have to be perfect with amazing accomplishments to be ... enough/worthy/happy/content... I don't have to be perfect to be loved.

I feel like these ideas are some core ...understanding. Some basic piece that we were meant to have from the start. And, sadly, I didn't have it before now. But, that said, I'm glad I have it now. And I'm glad also that I have the perspective created by not knowing.

I value this perspective. It makes the challenges I faced when I was trying to figure out what I needed to do to, not just be perfect, but to be good enough, worthwhile. 

It also helps me to see others in a new light. I can't know what their life is like. But I'm seeing more that we all have our own puzzles to solve. And there's something beautiful about that. 

Love Always,

Eva

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