Forgive or die trying (on hiatus)

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Basil blinked slowly, looking around his room with what little energy he had. Polly called him down about a half hour ago, but he just couldn't find the motivation to get up and out of bed. He missed his friends, but after four years he had grown too scared to try and reach out. What if they got mad at him? He shuddered at the thought, he couldn't remember ever seeing any of them genuinely mad. The looks on their faces that day was forever imprinted into the boys mind, but one of them seeded itself deeper than the rest. Aubrey's face. Sure, on the surface she looked just as distraught as the others but he couldn't help but notice the glances at Sunny. He sighed as he swung his feet over the side of his bed and stood up, bones cracking with a satisfying pop as he stretched. The bandages on his arms and legs hung loosely, dirty after days of forgetting to change them. He looked like a mess. Slowly, he pushed open his bedroom door and dragged his feet down the wooden staircase to the sight of Polly waiting for him.

"Basil honey, I made something small for you. Please just try to have a few bites ok? I'll even eat with you!", his caretaker's voice was soft and soothing, like warm honey tea. He just limply nodded and sat down beside her as she smiled softly at the sight of him actually eating for once.

"After we eat, I'll change your bandages before I go to the grocery store ok? I'll pick up some more and a surprise for you if you let me brush your hair out as well!", once again the boy nodded, he found himself quite enjoying the young adult's company and how she never pushed too much in regards to his health. She knew what he had been through and wanted more than anything for him to have someone to talk to, so she made sure to be gentle and careful with him as to not push him away accidentally and he deeply appreciated it. He didn't really speak anymore, preferring to just nod or shake his head as he no longer trusted his vocal chords to work after so long without use.

After some time, the boy had finished the single pancake and egg that the brunette made for him and got up to wash his dish along with Polly's. He couldn't find much motivation to do anything but god he was not going to force her to do all the work. The only thing that brought him slight joy nowadays was taking care of the few plants he still owned, although none of them were outdoor plants as he was far too scared of the idea of going outside at all. His fingers pruned as the warm water ran over them, soap getting under his fingernails and some spraying onto his dirty pajamas. A few minutes later, everything was cleaned, dried, and placed back into the kitchen cabinet.

He moved himself over to the couch and sat down, holding out his arms for Polly as she gently undid the bandaging. He winced a bit as she dabbed disinfecting wash into the dirty wounds and rewrapped them in clean bandages before walking off to throw out the old ones. When she returned, she had a light green brush in her hand and instructed him to sit on the carpet in front of her. She hummed softly as she got to work detangling his almost matted blonde locks, taking extra care to not pull too hard and hurt Basil in any way. Within about a half hour, finally his hair was completely brushed out and soft again. Polly stood proud at her work, placing a hand on the boys shoulder as she broke their comfortable silence,

"Basil sweetheart, while I'm out could you change into clean clothes? I want to clean up your bed when I get back and it could help refresh you!", he stared for a second before nodding slowly, the girl smiling proudly at him before heading to the front door with her purse in hand. As soon as she left, the blonde let out a sigh and dragged himself back upstairs. He truly had let himself go after Mari's death, she was the mother he wished he had. Sure he had Polly now, but no one could ever replace the kindhearted black haired girl in his mind. She was so sweet and caring in a way that was otherworldly, being able to help him through his panic attacks with the abilities no one else could hold. He wished he had done more to help her, to give back to her. Maybe then she wouldn't have ended herself. He was selfish for not noticing the signs, sure he was twelve at the time but he should've done more!

Fresh tears crawled down his face as sobs built up in the back of his throat. He couldn't handle it and collapsed to his bedroom floor as sobs racked his thin form. He had lost a significant amount of weight since her death, his ribs poked through his skin and his clothes barely clung on anymore. He tugged at his hair as panic boiled through his system, Polly wasn't around today to help him through this one. His body shook as gasping breaths pounded through him, his nails digging into his arms until they bled in crescent moon shapes. He couldn't see, his legs going numb and his vision blocked by tears as he desperately tried to ground himself. His brain felt like it was shutting down as he dug through old memories before clinging to one. The first ever panic attack he had around his old friends. The way Mari's arms wrapped around him and held him close. Her whispering sweet nothings into his ear and running her hands through his hair. His tears staining her purple cardigan but her not caring about the clothing in the slightest. He swore he could feel her now, hugging him tight as his breathing slowed. When he felt fully calm, he slowly picked himself up off the floor and walked to the bathroom to clean the tear stains off his face.

Returning back to his room, he rummaged through his drawers before putting on a soft mint colored sweater and pale blue sweatpants. He clipped on an embroidered lily of the valley pin, the last gift ever given to him by Mari the day before her death. He smiled softly to himself as his fingers gingerly brushed against it, still remembering her excitement at explaining how she had found it at a local farmers market and just had to get it for him.

Hours later, the boy sat impatiently and worriedly. Polly had been gone for four hours and was still not back, surely she had just gotten busy right? But the boy couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. She never took this long to go out, knowing the blonde was not to be home alone for long out of worry for his own safety. So, as he stood up slowly, he made a choice. Something could have seriously happened to her, and here he was sitting around doing nothing! What if.. what if she had done what Mari did? That thought only fueled his anxiety more as he took hesitant steps towards the door. He hadn't been able to save Mari, if Polly was in danger he would never forgive himself for not saving her too. His brain screamed at him to stop, to not do what he was thinking of, but he couldn't shake the feeling that he had to help her. Slowly, he twisted the door handle and opened the door to a blinding light coating his vision. He squinted before slowly stepping outside for the first time in four years. Everything was so bright that it hurt to look at, and yet it was more beautiful than he remembered. There seemed to be no one by, so he told himself all he had to do was find Polly and come back home. Easy right? No one would speak to him, no one would notice him, and he'd never have to come outside ever again. A bit more confident, he began to walk to the end of his neighborhood with his head down when a sudden voice stopped him in his tracks and made him freeze. He could never forget the sharp yet steady voice as it rang through his ears.

"Basil?"