❝I don't want to be climbing in a mountain of lies...Jeongin is out of my reach and he never looks at me the same way I look at him❞
⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷
𝐽𝑢𝑠𝑢𝑛𝑔 ℎ𝑎𝑑 𝑎𝑙𝑤𝑎𝑦𝑠 𝑠𝑢𝑓𝑓𝑒𝑟 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑢𝑛𝑟𝑒𝑞𝑢𝑖𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑡𝑜𝑤𝑎...
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𝟙𝟙
Hyunjin bought Felix a dinner just as he promised him. Felix picked some McDonald's hamburgers to eat in the car. nothing fancy in that.
Hyunjin:“Is it delicious?”
He couldn't stop staring at his boyfriend while munching into that little burger so cutely. Felix nodded his head, his mouth was full but that didn't stop him from smiling at the Designer.
Felix:“why aren't you eating yours?”
Hyunjin looked down at his lap where his untouched burgers were put. He wasn't actually feeling hungry especially when the regret he felt within him was enough to make him full.
Hyunjin:“I'm not feeling hungry actually, looking at you eating makes me full”
He said that out of habit because it's his nature to throw some pick up lines here and there to hide the fact that he does that to escape answering the question truthfully.
Felix smiled but then looked at the window feeling bad at the same time, maybe Hyunjin got bored of him.
Felix:“do you still love me, Hyunjin?”
he was taken by surprise with that question. Hyunjin never expected Felix to ask such a question and what's harder is how to answer it.
Here's the thing; Hyunjin actually loves Felix and he knows that the other loves him too, but he couldn't keep up with this anymore because he feels like he isn't fully himself, by lying and pretending.
Not really sure if being with the model is a good idea.
Hyunjin:“I do love you, sunshine”
he chooses to avoid troubles with his boyfriend who wasn't quite happy after him saying that, so he asked...
Felix:“why did you take too long to answer me?”
He couldn't but feel sad and a bit scared, he started seeing an end to this relationship.
Hyunjin:“I'm sorry, I got taken out by what you said that made me get lost in thoughts”
Felix got insecure about what the other just said, but when Hyunjin start getting closer and closer, the model shut his eyes closed and wasn't ready on what the design is going to do but then he heard a whisper in his ear that made his freckled cheeks get rosy.
Hyunjin:“lost in thoughts of how lucky to have a beautiful boyfriend who loves me”
what Hyunjin said truly meant it, while ignoring the voices in his head that told him otherwise.
[𝚃𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚂𝚔𝚒𝚙]
Hyunjin stepped into his small apartment and let himself fall on the sofa, slowly sliding himself down to the ground where his hips touched the floor. He kept lying and lying and this lying circle would never end until he confessed all things with Felix.
The voices in his head will bother him every day telling him that he isn't good enough and he needs to stay away from Felix or he will ruin him, But Hyunjin was strong fighting those thoughts back, he wants to be boyfriend and he wanted Felix to accept him after telling him about his situation and not about something else.
He got off doing this role playing everyday in front of his mom, his designer friends, his boyfriend...he got sick of putting this facade so he called someone who knows everything about him and his situation.
Hyunjin:“hi—uhm...can you—can you come here... i need you...”
he heard a "yes" in the other line so he cut the call and sat on the floor putting his head on the edge of the sofa seat while hearing the clock ticking. Hyunjin wonders how much time has passed since he last called that person.
After a few more minutes the designer got a text message from the same person he called earlier saying he's outside. Hyunjin stood up from the floor and walked towards the direction of the door, he exited his apartment locking it behind him.
He kept walking around the neighborhood until he spotted a blue BMW car...He recognized that car and walked towards it and when he started getting closer he could see a man figure sitting in the car.
His face was visible because of the inside light. He then got in the passenger seat and put on the seatbelt.
“long time no see, Hyunjin”
the other said making the designer look at him and hummed where his blond locks were hiding his eyes. Having so much to think about right now he didn't notice his friend greeting him.
Hyunjin:“long time no see, Changbin”
he turned his head in the direction of his friend not wearing any expression to be exact.
Changbin:“what's the occasion today Hyunjin? Why did you call me?”
He started the engine of the car and started driving slowly out of the neighborhood. Hyunjin called him for a reason and that is because he wants to escape his world.
Hyunjin:“I don't want to pretend anymore, for once, pretending to be someone I don't recognize made me question if this is the real me or not”
He's empty and all of those things he did so far weren't actually his decision from the first place.
Changbin:“so you are telling me to treat you like you're someone else?”
Hyunjin found it familiar hearing his friend to say something like that and that made him give Changbin a serious expression.
Hyunjin:“you've always done that, you're the only person I don't feel suffocated with”
he does feel at peace whenever he isn't being himself and doing things he never chooses by himself and with Changbin is someone Hyunjin doesn't try his best to impress him.
Changbin:“It's getting more hard to deal with your depression these days... you really need to sign for therapy”
He suggests based on what he saw so far from Hyunjin's behavior but the designer just shrugged it off by saying...
Hyunjin:“I don't have depression”
which Changbin found it hilarious, Hyunjin kept lying to himself and it somehow irritated him so he just gave up and told him one last time.
