Short poems, stories, vents, and my life advice

Dear mom

I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I was born with imperfections. I'm sorry you had to quit drinking for 9 months only for me to have problems anyway. I'm sorry I couldn't be your daughter. I know you never wanted a son. I'm sorry I will never marry a man. I'm sorry you don't get to have grandchildren. I'm sorry I wasn't careful and almost got pregnant.

I'm sorry you have a child that's broken. I'm sorry your child has autism. I'm sorry your child has ADHD and OCD and PTSD and BPD and all the rest of the alphabet. I'm sorry I had so much anxiety I couldn't be touched without panicking. I'm sorry I rejected your hugs. I'm sorry I always seem tired. I am. Im sorry you had to see me like that.

Im sorry you had to deal with me. When you locked me outside, so many times, sometimes for days without food or water or a place to use to bathroom, I felt like a wild animal. Im sorry you asked for a beautiful baby girl and received a wild animal. I would be mad too.

I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry you didn't know if I was alive or dead. I'm sorry I got so drunk I couldn't see, so high I couldn't talk. I'm sorry I never listened to your rules. I'm sorry I'm a slut. I'm sorry I gave my virginity to the first person who asked for it.

I'm sorry about the flashbacks and heartache and panic attacks and loneliness and loss. I'm sorry I didn't tell you when Landon died, or when Brianna overdosed or when Tori threatened to jump off a building. Im sorry you moved on and I couldn't. I'm sorry I stayed in that room until I died and made you take the plane alone. I know you hate flying.

I am a miserable excuse of a child, I am almost as bad as you. But I refuse to degrade myself further.

But realize you have things to be sorry for too. Like when you called me a dyke in front of my friend and embarrassed me. Or when you left me at school until it was dark out almost every night.

I'm glad you never hit me that much, but your abuse was far worse. You would feed me as many pills as 8 year old me could swallow. When I threw up and cried and couldn't walk straight and lost my vision and had seizures you didn't care. You knew Dr Brownfield would prescribe anything you asked for. You knew exactly what you were doing too. You would always say "do this, or I'll make you take more, or as punishment you would make me take 6 instead of 2. I was always sick and as a child I didn't know what was wrong. As I got older I had to learn to say no to them, but taking less and me sick too. At 10 years old I knew all 9 of my medications by name, dose, and use. I gave away my childhood for that.

So I'm sorry, but please be sorry too. I can't take every part of the blame anymore