Best For Last || Jacob Elordi AU

vulnerability

       You licked a sweet drop of drink from your lips and gathered your thoughts before answering. What did he want or expect you to say? His expression didn't seem accusatory or irked, as you might've expected, but rather crestfallen. He rotated his cup of smoothie to stir it while he waited for your response.

"So much for casual small talk, huh?" you attempted to quip.

"I never said that's what I wanted to come with you for," he replied innocently, and then, "you read it though, right? The email?"

"Yes, I read it," you admitted. "But... everything was so fresh then, you know?" He nodded, and you continued gingerly. "I was still really really hurt, by a lot of things. And by that point I'd already given the down payment for a roommate position in Michigan. Staying wasn't really a choice."

Something about that last comment seemed to intrigue Jacob, but he ignored it and said, "And Michigan? Why? When did you decide that, and why?"

You gave a rueful smile when you said, "I think you know why."

His gaze fell to the floor as he bit the inside of his cheek, and you could tell by the muscle movement in his arms that he was anxiously fidgeting under the table. You offered your open palm across the table and he looked at it for only a second before accepting and placing his hand in yours.

"Don't beat yourself up about it, okay? It was years ago." You tried to ease his guilt, despite how bad part of you wanted him to wallow in it. "What happened with us wasn't the only thing that contributed. I couldn't be in a place where everywhere I went, I had a memory with someone that was no longer in my life."

He understood that you referred to not only him but your mother, and his grip on your hand tightened before he ran his thumb affectionately over your knuckles. You could practically feel the commiseration radiating from him, so distinctly it could've brought you to tears if you let it.

"You have no idea how much I hate myself for what I did to you," he confessed, his dark eyes pleading clemency. "I should've been there, emotionally and physically."

Your eyes began stinging, and you tried to lighten the topic to prevent tears, "You had to go to school, you're clearly talented; look how far you've come because of it."

"I don't regret getting my degree," he clarified. "I regret that I didn't try harder to find somewhere closer to you. Yeah, I'm successful, but if it meant I would've kept you Y/N, I would take it all back."

He was pulling every last one of your heart strings and it took all you had to not let the tears that had formed escape down your cheeks. Your nose and waterlines were undoubtedly red, and you took a napkin to dab at your eyes with a light chuckle at yourself.

"I'm serious," he spoke sincerely, and you knew he was. "And I won't say her name," he said gently, and your heart sunk a bit. "But I never spoke a word of this to her. Never spoke to her at all after we split up. Unfortunately I stayed more loyal to you after I ruined everything."

You breathed a laugh from your nose, and used your free hand to take a bite of your burrito, neither of you willing to let go where your hands joined in the middle of the table.

"She married my college roommate, funnily enough," he got an amused grin, "But, yeah, I had zero contact with her after everything blew up."

"You don't have to explain yourself, Jacob," you weakly assured. "You don't owe me anything anymore."

"I do though; I need you to know that I was an idiot teenager that didn't know how to handle my emotions let alone yours, especially since you were going through something so hard. I'd never been faced with something so real and difficult," he explained, then paused, but you could tell he wasn't finished. "But, that's my reason, not my excuse."

His maturity and ability to communicate his thoughts and feelings so easily astounded you, and for the second time on this trip you realized how much he'd genuinely grown; both of you had. It hit you all at once what a hard time it must've been for him as well, only in a much different way: he only had his parents' support if he did exactly what they wanted, he'd been pressured by them for years on top of dating someone they disapproved of, had to adjust to living eight hours away from everyone and everything familiar to him, and, despite having developed ill-placed feelings for Amelia, still didn't act on them in the slightest. In a moment of vulnerability, he shared his complicated thoughts with his two best friends, and lost his first love because of it. You would be eternally grateful for Sid's honesty, and you didn't wish that he'd kept it from you, but it was sinking in how awful the timing of everything was. You began to understand the term star-crossed lovers.

You placed your other hand on top of Jacob's and wore a wistful smile as you said, "I forgive you."

He closed his eyes and sucked his lips into his mouth, then shaking his head slightly, said, "You don't have to say that."

"I know I don't," you said firmly. "I'm saying it 'cause I mean it." He still refused to look at you as you went on. "I can tell how much it's been eating at you, and that you understand how much it hurt me now; and so do I for you. It really means a lot, everything you said. Thank you."

One dimple appeared as a crooked smile spread over his lips, and for a moment you just looked at each other. It felt like your inner child was looking at his, and she finally felt safe again.

"You have no idea what it means to hear you say that," he shook his head again, but fondly this time, that grateful smile still plastered on his face. "You know what I wanna say, but I won't."

A real laugh came from you then, a welcome relief from the flood of sorrowful emotions that had just been drowning you. "Yeah, you're so beyond out of passes."

"I know I know," he chuckled back and let his foot bump yours under the table.

And just like that, over smoothies and burritos, something shifted. He'd taken a weight off your shoulders you weren't aware you'd still been carrying. You no longer dreaded the rest of this trip, but rather the end when you two would have to say goodbye again. The rest of your time at the restaurant, the conversation got much lighter than how it started out. He asked about Drew, you asked about his sisters, and you filled each other in and gave your own input and opinions. He told you that Isabella had had a son, and for some reason you found the idea of Jacob being an uncle amusing. A mental picture of him holding a tiny, blue-swaddled baby soon followed, and you had to ignore the flutter in your stomach. You watched him speak, noting how many of his mannerisms carried over from when you guys were younger. It was infatuating to know and get to know him all over again. Your Jacob.