Once Upon A Happy Beginning

Chapter Forty-Five: You Can Always Use Rum To Forget

A/N: A mild 18+ scene is coming up. 

Emma

Mr. Gold sent us away from the memories, visions, whatever they were. 

I needed a clear head. I'd put my walls up, gotten angry because Regina encroached on what I thought was mine. 

Killian hugs me close to him and I inhale he salt and rum that overpowers his scent. My arms wrap around his body and I tug my legs up to entwine with his. His heart beats slowly and methodically under my ear, as I curl into his bare chest. His hand runs through my hair, twirling strands of blond as he uses his left arm to slowly rub my back. He whispers in my ear, saying good morning because he knows I'm awake. I know. But I just need to pretend to be asleep. Five more minutes of ignorant bliss. 

We've got to read Neal's diaries today. 

My ex's diaries. My daughter's boyfriend's diaries. 

I thought I had married into the story of Peter Pan, not Twilight. Next thing I know, Killian will be telling me it wasn't Neverland that retained his youth but vampirism. 

My husband presses a kiss on my head before leaning over to his bedside table where his hook lies. There's a reassuring click before he goes back to running his hand over my back and his hook twists through my hair. He gives me another kiss, this time on my lips, before dragging his hand down my legs so he can pull me up to sit on his lap as he gets up. 

"I know it's tough, love. We have to find out."

"I know." I tell him, my eyes gazing into his. I don't know how I didn't figure it out before. Elizabeth really does have his eyes, the newborn blue has gone, and has darkened to a brown colour as she's aged, but the shape is there. The shape is Killian's. "I just... My son or my daughter? What sort of mother is faced with that choice?"

"I don't know." He states, and honesty burns through his eyes. At this point, Henry is more his son than anything. 

I remember the feeling of my heart stilling when I heard Regina. I could feel everyone still. I don't know what we expected Regina's outburst to be about, but apparently saving Henry wasn't what we had in mind.

"WHAT ABOUT MY DECISION AS HENRY'S MOTHER? If Elizabeth finds out... Henry dies."

"Mom?"

"I'm sorry. But... Emma... Killian, it's time travel. Henry cannot be alive if Elizabeth finds out."

"Regina. These are my children we're talking about. My daughter and my son. I can't lose either of them."

"This might be the hardest decision you ever have to make, Emma." Regina says, taking both my hands in hers. "We can find out more through Neal's diaries but... Elizabeth thinks her William is at home, right? Something obviously happened that got Baelfire to leave the Caribbean and meet you. He was eighteen, right?" I nod, slowly, refusing to break eye contact. "Well, he's eighteen in her timeline too, when she met you on your honeymoon. We don't know how, but eighteen year old Baelfire left the Caribbean and became Neal, after Elizabeth ended up in our time. If you tell Elizabeth, you're presenting her with two options -- one, go back to exactly the time she left and you never meet Neal, so therefore Henry's never born, if Henry's never born, you never break the curse. Time rewrites itself, and it's going to end up with neither of your children alive."

"And... Option Two?" Killian asks, clenching my hand in his and playing with my wedding ring again. 

"Elizabeth stays in Storybrooke. But take it from someone whose mother stopped them from being with the one they love... It might not be the easiest battle to win. And that's including that Daniel wasn't my True Love. With Elizabeth and... whatever we're calling him now... it might not be as pleasant a relationship as my mother enjoyed with me."

"I mean... the choice is my life just goes back to who I was, a bail bondswoman who had no clue about her past. I lose Henry. I lose Elizabeth. I lose my parents. I lose you. I've lost you too many times to lose you again..." Tears prick at my ears now, as I let Killian envelope me in his body and his love. 

"How many times do I need to tell you, Swan? I'm a survivor." 

But this time it's not true. The hitch in his voice lets me know that he knows it's not true. 

"I wish I'd... I wish we'd just had that false pregnancy when Elizabeth was... Maybe this wouldn't be happening."

"Love." I can't bear to hear the hurt in Killian's voice. I can't stand him being upset. I force my eyes up to meet his and I can see how they're straining from holding back tears. "You can't possibly mean that. Tell me you don't. Difficult as this is, our daughter is the most precious thing in my life. Tell me you don't mean that."

"Of course not. But it would be so much-"

"Emma, I beg you not to finish that sentence." 

So I don't. 

I just weave my fingers through his hair and crush his lips against mine. It's a desperate attempt to feel whole again. To feel like my husband is still with me. Killian meets my desperation and I push our bodies back down onto the bed. 

His hand roams around my body, a frenzy of urgent need. He groans as I manoeuvre my tongue around his, my hand straying from his hair to trail down his body. Killian's arm tugs my legs further towards him and I rope them around my husband, straddling his hips. 

The temperature feels like it rises with our passion and I can feel my tears burn up on my face as the atmosphere in the room changes. I need this. I need Killian. I need to feel something, anything that isn't to do with the prospect of destroying my family before it really begins. 

My hands reach for the waistband on the dark sweatpants that Killian wears to bed each night. I need this. I need him. 

"Emma, stop." Killian's hand meets mine, stilling it where it is inching closer to removing the barrier between me and feeling his body in its entirety. He pulls away from me and rolls me over so that I'm on my side of the bed again. "This isn't the time."

"I need to forget."

"I know, love.  I know." I see the same greed and longing in Killian's eyes. Whether that was my attempt at forgetting spurring his, or if it was already there, I'm not sure but I can read my husband like a book. Killian gets out of bed and he must see my face when he pulls a t-shirt on. He laughs and lets me use his hook to get to my feet. "I'm still devilishly handsome when I'm fully dressed, love. Don't worry about me!" 

"Of that, I have no doubt."

"Good," He tells me, spinning me under his arm into another kiss, which this time he purposefully keeps chaste and quick. "Now, I'm going to have a very cold shower, and you go get the son that we do have up for school!"

"Henry's home? He's meant to be with Regina."

"He came in last night when you'd gone to bed." 

My eyes widen. "You nearly let me... He could've heard!"

Killian's eyebrow raises and I see mischief twinkle in his eye. "Good thing he didn't." He swoops down for another kiss. "As much as your way of forgetting seemed splendid, I really need that shower. Go make sure the lad gets ready, and go have your coffee. There will still be a piercing-eyed pirate here for you afterwards."

"Do I get to forget? I need to think about something that isn't... everything."

"There's always rum?" He smirks, stepping backwards into our ensuite. "As much as I wish it was, love, creating a new Elizabeth isn't the way to deal with the one we have."

"You... Killian!"

"Henry's going to be late!" My husband calls from the bathroom as the door shuts, blocking out the pillow I tried throwing. 

Damn that pirate.